25th wedding anniversary

Today would have been Ed and my 25th wedding anniversary. Although I went to the cemetery this morning and got a little teary-eyed, I can honestly say that I am doing well on this day. I have pleasant, loving memories that comfort me. I don't have a need to cry and grieve. That's saying a lot. It's proof that I have come a long way. I think Ed would be proud of me.

4th anniversary

I haven't written in this blog since my granddaughter Aubrey's birth in August 2010, but today I feel the need. A lot has happened since Ed died on this date four years ago. I hope he is proud of the way I am living my life and taking care of the finances and legacy he left me. In past years, the days leading up to the anniversary of his death were very hard, filled with much emotion. That wasn't true this year. I had friends to be with, activities that gave me joy. I thought about him, about us, and I seemed to be having positive thoughts and good memories and handling the days well. But then today arrived, and it all came back to me. Not to the extreme of before, but sorrow and tears nevertheless. I went to the cemetery shortly before the time of his death. I drove there in rain, but when I got to his gravesite, the sun suddenly came out and felt like it was warming me, just me. Four minutes later, which would be the approximate time of his death, a quick, hard downpour occurred. It was over in 2 minutes, and the sun returned. Some would say there was meaning to those natural events. I choose to believe that. It still pains me that I wasn't with him when he died. I still remember the hospice nurse telling me that he chose that time so that I wouldn't have to watch him go. But I felt like he was with me in those minutes at the cemetery today. And I do think he still watches over me and Melissa and all his family.

Aubrey Mae's arrival

Aubrey Mae Wehr
Born 1:08 pm, Central time, Friday, August 13, 2010
8 pounds, 8 ounces, 21 inches long
a little bit of hair the color of Melissa's
dark eyes

What do you do when you get a call on August 12 at mid-day and the whispering voice says, "Mom! Get in the car now!" You scramble to finish the laundry you were doing for the Iowa trip that was supposed to happen on August 20, gather everything you've been thinking you'll take along, load up the car, get on the road, and 8 hours 45 minutes later, pull into Melissa and Mark's driveway at 10 pm Central time.

I last reported on the problems Melissa was having--the extreme low blood sugars she was having a hard time controlling and the low amniotic fluid levels. She had ultrasounds on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday (August 9, 10, and 12). On Thursday, the doctor said rather than be concerned about Melissa struggling to control her blood sugar through the weekend and possibly missing a sign of fetal distress, it was better to move the C-section up from its scheduled August 23 date. The baby was considered full term even though Melissa's due date was August 29. There wasn't enough amniotic fluid to do an amniocentesis to check the baby, so the C-section was scheduled for Friday, August 13, at noon. It actually happened an hour later because of having to wait for the doctor who was delivering a natural birth.

Imagine how big Aubrey might have been had she actually come on her due date! Melissa said she seemed little compared to Will, who was a full pound heavier at birth. But still, Aubrey was a good-sized newborn--and she looked so much like Will did at birth. It remains to be seen if she'll keep that reddish tinge to her hair or become really blonde like Will is. And as for being born on Friday, the 13th, so was Melissa. She always considered 13 her lucky number as do I. She had even said to me earlier in the week that she'd like for the baby to be born on the 13th and then everybody would be fine and healthy.

The name Aubrey was one Melissa and Mark just liked, and the middle name Mae is a contraction of my middle name (Marie) and Mark's mother's middle name (Rae). They had also considered naming the baby Katherine and calling her Kate, but upon seeing her in the delivery room, they both had the same thought: This isn't a Kate, this is Aubrey.

This birth was so different for the grandparents. With Will, we all waited in the waiting area, occasionally someone brought in food, and we worried and paced through the 10 hours of labor and the resulting C-section, then waited a couple of hours to get the news from Mark. With Aubrey, we all gathered in Melissa's room, watched her walk to surgery, sat around drinking coffee and chatting, and were so relaxed when Mark came in and said, "We have our girl!"

Melissa was awake for the C-section and insisted that she go back on her insulin pump right after the delivery. There were a few hours of concern about Aubrey's blood sugar. It was low right from the time of delivery. However, by giving her formula every few hours, it slowly came up and finally got into the normal range. She never did have to go to neonatal intensive care.

Mark stayed at the hospital all three nights that Melissa and Aubrey were there. He came home at 8 each evening to put Will to bed, which was a good idea for Will's comfort because he was visibly concerned and confused about Mommy going into the hospital. I stayed at home with him at night, and he was fine each morning. I loved the way he would run into the kitchen when he got up and hug my legs and yell, "Grammy!" On one morning, however, he got out of bed way too early and came into his parents' bedroom where I was sleeping, though actually I was awake and heard him. I waited to see if he would go back to bed on his own. When he didn't, I opened my eyes. There he stood, holding his Toy Story Woody character in one hand and Buzz Lightyear in the other, all three of them just staring at me. It was hard not to laugh. We spent our days visiting in the hospital where there was a steady stream of visitors as well as all the grandparents.

The day of discharge, Monday, August 16, Aubrey was 7 pounds, 11 ounces. Will waited impatiently for Mommy and Aubrey. We made a welcome sign that we put on the fireplace mantle, we played outside, drew a welcome sign on the driveway with chalk, blew bubbles. Finally, Aubrey was home. Will immediately helped Mark take her into the house. Will is so good with her, giving her gentle kisses often. He loves to hold her--for about 30 seconds. He's always asking her to play with him, so Melissa lays her on the floor on a blanket so Aubrey can "watch."

I drove home on Wednesday, August 25. The next day at her two-week checkup, Aubrey was up to 8 pounds, 11 ounces, and 21 1/2 inches long. I was so busy while in Iowa with cooking and cleaning, doing laundry, playing with Will and getting acquainted with Aubrey, grocery shopping, etc., that when I got home I couldn't remember what my routine was supposed to be. I did take the day before I left to do a little shopping. I went to Czech Village, which still needs to do so much to recover from the floods. So many homes are abandoned, some are being rebuilt, some stores have reopened but many are empty. I had a long conversation with the owner of a gift shop I always go to, and he showed me a slide show of the photos he took of his shop and the area. Such devastation! His was the first store to be able to re-open in December 2009. In the afternoon, I went out to Main Amana in the Amana Colonies. Since I was driving for this Iowa trip, I could bring back some things that I can't get when I fly--namely, two six-packs of Millstream Brewing Company beer and six sample bottles of wine from the Ackerman Winery. I'm anticipating a tasting party at my house with my friends soon.

Now the Wehr household has birthdays to celebrate in June (Mark), July (Melissa), August (Aubrey), and September (Will). And Will even recites those birthday months if you ask him to.

An extra note: My Hearts friend Ruth Ann got engaged last week. A few months ago, she got re-acquainted with a guy she dated a few times in high school. They basically hadn't seen each other in 55 years! Her husband died three years ago a month before Ed; his wife died in January. She is giddy and excited like a teenager in love. I'm so happy for her, a little jealous that she has found such happiness again, and a little sad that I've lost my lunching-out buddy. We had lunch on the Monday before I went to Iowa (actually, on my wedding anniversary, as I said in my August 9 post). At that time, she was still being "courted," but I wasn't really surprised that they became engaged because she obviously really cares for this guy and he for her. Brings to mind the lyrics from an old Air Supply song: In my life when everything was wrong, something finally went right. Now there's two less lonely people in the world tonight.

Our 24th anniversary

I ask again, does one celebrate a wedding anniversary when only one remains? I didn't have an answer for that question last year, and I still don't. But our anniversary has been on my mind for several days. Now and then, I've shed a few tears. My friend Ruth Ann wanted us to go to lunch, so I picked today for that, figuring I might need a friend.

As it turned out, a small concern with Melissa's pregnancy that turned up in an ultrasound today supplanted my "feeling sorry for myself" thoughts. After hearing that the amniotic fluid is low and if it stays low, Melissa's C-section will happen sooner than August 23, I swung into action. I began to get things together that I want to take with me when I drive to Iowa for the new baby's birth. I want to be able to leave at a moment's notice if necessary. If things get better for Melissa and the baby, I'll stay with my plan to drive out to Iowa on August 20.

So getting things together for the trip and getting the lawn mowed has kept me occupied ever since I got home from lunch with Ruth Ann--probably a good thing on this anniversary day.

Another birthday passes

Today would have been Ed's 75th birthday. I know I've said it this way before, but it still does not seem possible that it has been 3 years since he died. My friend Ruth Ann from my Hearts group said recently that she thinks she and I will always feel like a piece of us is missing, that from all our stories of our lives with our spouses, we two had the best marriages and a closeness and love that surpassed what others of our group had. I would say that usually the days leading up to June 16, the anniversary of Ed's death, or other significant dates have been emotionally worse than the actual day. Today, however, I have been feeling the loneliness and, really, still the feeling of unfairness that he was taken too soon. For June 16 and again for today, I put a dozen red roses, Ed's favorite flower, at his gravesite. They don't really last long because of the heat this time of year, even though I check them and water them every day that they still look decent. It's just sort of my visible tribute to him, even if I'm the only one who sees it.

Two Hearts friends, Pam and Pat, were married in May. It was a lovely wedding. Our group especially appreciated the tributes Pam and Pat each paid to their deceased spouses. I came up with the idea for and coordinated our gifts to the newlyweds. My friend Cheryl hand-painted lovely floral designs on cards that allowed us each to write our own sentiments inside, then we each enclosed a Bob Evans gift card--so appropriate since we still get together for supper every Wednesday at the same Bob Evans we started going to back when we were in the grief support group. Pam and Pat were sure we would do something raunchy or embarrassing as a gift, and they were so thrilled--and relieved--at what we did.

I was in Iowa in the days around Memorial Day to help Melissa, Mark, and Will move into and get settled in their new home. They have a beautiful, spacious house with a very large yard. There was already a two-level playhouse, slide, climbing wall, and swing set in the yard, and Will loves it. Now when I visit, I have my own bedroom and bathroom. Will loves the Chicago Cubs colors of his bedroom, and the new baby's room is awaiting the new arrival in August.

Other than driving out to Iowa for the new baby's birth, I don't have any summer plans. Just taking each day as it comes, keeping up the property and house, taking advantage of free outdoor concerts for entertainment, and of course gathering with my friends.

How the mind works

I wouldn't have thought the subconscious mind could bring memories to the forefront so vividly just because another page turned on the calendar. Today is 3 years since we first realized something was wrong with Ed. Last weekend I was in Iowa for a 4-day visit, checking in on and helping out Melissa, mainly. She is having a rough time with nausea during this pregnancy. (If you haven't heard by now, Melissa and Mark are expecting August 29.) Three years ago, Ed and I made the trip to Iowa to help paint the newly finished basement, the very family room that becomes my bedroom when I'm there. I looked at those painted walls last weekend, but it didn't trigger the emotions and tears that seeing today's date on the calendar has triggered. I described what happened to make us notice a problem with Ed's gait when I wrote in the blog on March 6, 2008, so I won't repeat it all here. I just didn't expect it to all come back and hit me so hard again.

I do have some pleasant events to report on since I last wrote on Christmas Eve. The Giesman gathering here on January 1 was a success. The gifts of digital photo frames that I loaded with memorable photos tailored to each recipient were a huge hit and caused much laughter among the young adult grandkids as they saw photos of their parents at their age. Almost everybody was here. Sherry and Jeremy had already visited me Christmas Day. A couple older grandkids didn't make it, nor did David and family who were vacationing in Florida, but everyone else seemed to enjoy being together. I went to Iowa January 7-12 and Christmas there was January 9. Will had so many Christmas celebrations spread out over 2 1/2 weeks' time that he must have thought Santa visits every few days whether you've been good or not.

I wasn't assigned to the late January-early February SAT essays, which disappointed me. However, I will be working on them in March. Since I had some time with no commitments, I went to Stuart, Florida (actually the community of Sewall's Point on the Indian River and intercoastal waterway) for 4 days at the invitation of my cousin Judi and her husband Frank. The weather never got warmer than the mid 60s; nevertheless, the sunshine felt good. Judi and I hadn't had time together since we were teenagers, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Between their beautiful home, the sun, the sounds of the ocean, long walks in the area and on the beach, and Judi's delicious cooking and baking, I felt like I was at a resort enjoying some much-appreciated relaxation. I didn't give all the snow and ice back in Columbus a thought, even though I had to snowblow my way out of my driveway to get to the airport to start the trip.

I got back from Florida late on a Friday night, and on Saturday morning I received an e-mail alert about an airfare deal to Cedar Rapids. So five days later I was on a flight again. Turned out the weather in Iowa was better than what Columbus was having. Now, finally, we have some warmer days and sunshine that will get rid of the mounds of snow. It has been a particularly snowy winter, and I've used the snowblower a lot to keep my driveway and sidewalks clear along with those of three neighbors.

I'm still dealing with my eyes, although at my last checkup two weeks ago, finally the ophthalmologist said things look much better. He had to search for inflamed cells; a normal exam might even have missed them. I'm still on steroid drops once a day and artificial tears every three hours or so. I regained some of the distance vision I had lost, something I noticed in about the last month. My close-up vision is unbelievably good. Mid-range distance is sometimes good and sometimes a little blurred, further proof that it can take 6 to 12 months until your vision finally settles down and your brain has fully learned to accommodate the Crystalens implants.

Next weekend I'll be driving over to Virginia to see my mother and sister and family. I haven't been there in quite a while. Then I'll be going back to Iowa for Easter.

Tomorrow, my Hearts group is having a farewell party for Mary, who is moving back to Wisconsin to be near her daughter and two sisters. She is the first of the Hearts to move away. Her stepchildren don't want her to go. (She has lived here 30 years and is very close to her stepchildren; they have been so good to her in the past 2 years since her husband died.) However, Mary says she feels a pull to go back to Wisconsin. I haven't had that experience, feeling pulled to move somewhere. The other good news from the group is that Pat and Pam, who've been part of the Hearts from the beginning and started dating almost 2 years ago, are getting married in May. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of marrying again, but I'm happy for the two of them, of course.

Christmas Eve, December 24, 2009

And so this is Christmas, as the song says. It's a very different one for me. As I write this I'm alone, I have no place to go tonight (Christmas Eve) except to church later for midnight Mass, and tomorrow I'm joining two friends to go to an afternoon movie followed by dinner out. I have never had a Christmas like this before. No cooking, no baking, no multitude of visitors or going to people's houses, no traveling. I did have two visitors, however.

Sherry (Ed's daughter) and Jeremy (grandson), who live in St. Louis, visited this afternoon for about 1 1/2 hours; that was nice. Never fear, I haven't been a hermit. The days leading up to today have taken me out to places for shopping and, the last two nights, dinner out with friends. Sunday, December 20, was a really good day with my Hearts group coming over to decorate the tree (I did decorate the house this year), sing around the piano with me accompanying, and have lots of great food and drink and conversation and laughs. They are such dear people. Going back to last week, I worked on SAT essays Monday through Friday. For the long weekend of December 10-14, Melissa, Mark, and Will were here to help me celebrate my 60th birthday. That Saturday night, some of the Giesman kids and grands as well as a couple neighbors came over for birthday cake. While M & M & Will were here, we went to the Columbus Zoo to see the holiday lights that covered nearly every inch of the place, it seemed. Will also sat on Santa's lap--Santa just happened to be visiting the guard house at the entrance to my street. We got the platform out and set up the Lionel train (my first Christmas present when I was 11 days old), and as I expected, Will loved it. So of course we had to put the tree in place, too--which sat rather bare until my friends and I decorated it.

Despite all the activity in the past two weeks, it is very quiet in the house now. I've left all my gift wrapping chores go since the Giesman gathering won't be until January 1, here at the house, and our Christmas in Iowa will be sometime when I'm there January 7-12. I figured on filling the upcoming days with gift wrapping and preparing for the January events. Since I've gotten out only about half of the Christmas cards I usually send, I'll work on the rest of those Christmas morning. (Better they get out late than never.)

So it's a different Christmas this year. Not awful, just different. Kinda takes some getting used to.

Eyes update and more

It has taken this long to finally be able to report that the post-surgery inflammation is gone from both of my eyes. I got that good news from the ophthalmologist who has a specialty in persistent eye inflammation. So now over the next three weeks, I am weaning myself off the steroid drops; I stopped the other eye drops last week, but he recommended I continue using artificial tears, especially through the winter months. No one told me beforehand that eye surgery can cause dry eyes, not that that would have prevented me from going through with it. I go back to my ophthalmologist who did the surgery in two weeks. One thing that concerns me is that during the past few weeks my perfect vision has lessened for long distances although for close up and intermediate ranges it is still fabulous. What I've noticed is that if I focus on a distant road sign, for example, I can eventually make out what it says; however, when I'm driving I don't have the luxury of spending time to focus, hence the concern. I've read that it can take three to six months and even up to a year until you know what your final vision outcome is with the Crystalens implants. Until the doctor tells me otherwise, I'm going to assume that my eye muscles are still "in training" learning how to adjust the lens to respond to distance vision. But if it comes to needing glasses for certain situations (like driving), I'm OK with that.

A good test of how well the lenses are working was my work time on the SAT essays. I worked October 15-27, and even on the days when I worked 7 hours (which used to tire out my eyes and even give me a headache from looking at the computer screen for that long a stretch), I never had a headache, never felt like my eyes needed a rest. Before, when a student's handwriting or printing was really tiny, I would struggle to read it and would have to use a magnification tool built into the essay scoring software, but this time I didn't need to do that for even the tiniest printing. Pretty impressive, I'd say.

The other news from October is that I signed up for Social Security. I will be turning 60 in December, so I'm eligible for widow's benefits based on Ed's record. The first payment will hit my bank account in January. I remember walking out of the Social Security office with such mixed emotions after signing up--so grateful to Ed for his hard work and success that will now benefit me, so grateful that, really, he is still taking care of me in this way, but so sad and upset that it has to be this way. Yes, I cried in the parking lot.

Fortunately, my good friends continue to make me laugh--a lot. We haven't been going to the wine tastings on Fridays as often, but now we've added a new dimension to our social calendars. After our usual supper at Bob Evans on Wednesday evenings with anywhere from 8 to 18 people, most weeks my friends Cheryl, George, Ron, and I (and sometimes Ann) go out for a drink afterwards and more chatting and laughing. I have never in my life been to a bar this frequently (actually, the bar section of Champs restaurant); in fact, I've never been out to eat so frequently and regularly!

I am going to be traveling to Iowa for Thanksgiving week. Will and I will get to babysit each other for two of the days. Thanksgiving dinner will be at Mark's parents' house where there will be quite a large family gathering. I've already been requested to make huge quantities of deviled eggs as my contribution to the meal. Then I will be home for Christmas and New Year's. Melissa, Mark, and Will may be coming for my birthday in December; hopefully, that will work out. I'm planning to host the Giesman Christmas gathering on Jan. 1; Becky has hosted the last two years. Though I have always wanted to have it here, it was hard for some of Ed's kids to be here without him; hopefully enough time has passed that it won't be a problem for them. Then I've organized a group to go to a concert on Jan. 3. Sometime after that I'll go back to Iowa for a visit.

As you can see, there were several "hopefully" comments above. That's kind of how things go these days. Deal with whatever comes up and hope for the best.

Eyes checkup

One month after cataract surgery and Crystalens implant in my left eye and one week after the same in my right eye, the report is mostly good. I have 20/20 vision at all distances, even a little better in the right eye at close range. However, both eyes have inflammation. The doctor says this is to be expected in the right eye because it has only been a week since surgery, but he has no explanation for the inflammation still in the left eye. His comment was "You're not a normal person." Some would say that's obvious. (That phrasing sounds just like Ed would say it.)

Nothing to panic or be worried about, the doc says. He thinks the blurriness I am experiencing is from the inflammation and expects that to improve in the next two weeks. Increasing the frequency of eye drops is the only thing to do about it. As of today, I'm down to two kinds of drops for each eye and I instill drops four times a day. He says having blurriness come and go is not what others who achieved the great vision I have have reported. I'm to be patient and give it all time to improve. I start eye exercises today. They really aren't anything special. I have 6 booklets of word search puzzles, each booklet in succession a smaller print. I'm to do the puzzles 10 minutes at a time twice a day, and after the 10 minutes look at least 10 feet away and focus hard on something. This is supposed to strengthen the eye muscle and teach it to move the Crystalens forwards and backwards the way a natural lens would move in response to viewing conditions. However, I haven't had a problem adjusting to viewing distance except for the blurriness, especially at longer distances. So I'll see what happens--pun intended.

Our 23rd wedding anniversary

Today Ed and I would be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary. We would probably exchange cards (we were long past giving each other gifts) and enjoy grilling our main meal (especially because the temperature will be in the 90s today), probably have wine with dinner. We'd probably have tickets for a show or special event going on around this time and consider that part of our celebration, too. Simple pleasures, but those are what we enjoyed most. So are you supposed to still celebrate your anniversary when only one of you is here to do it? I haven't answered that question for myself yet.

This will probably sound silly, but I have been working hard not to cry today, though I'm not totally succeeding. Here's the reason: I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Thursday, and I don't know if crying would have any effect on how well my eye drops would be absorbed or would cause some sort of swelling that isn't good. So I'm trying to stay in control. My surgery included a re-shaping of my cornea to get rid of my astigmatism, and instead of the standard lens implant once the cataract was out of there, I got a Crystalens, which is a flexible lens that mimics the natural lens in helping me see. When everything is healed and my brain and the lens are working in sync, I shouldn't need my glasses so much--maybe even not at all. One day after surgery, I already had 20/20 vision for intermediate distance and 20/25 and 20/30 for close up and long distance. Right now my pupil is still dilated; somehow that prevents the eye muscle from trying to move the implanted lens. But about Wednesday, the pupil should be back to normal size and then I should experience even more improved vision. I'll be having cataract surgery on my right eye on August 27, having the Crystalens implant for that eye, too, though the astigmatism in my right eye is minimal so I won't have that correction done. I am looking forward to having perfect vision, or at least much much improved vision, and I'm told that will be for the rest of my life. I was fortunate not to have any pain or other effects from the surgery other than some peripheral blurriness that actually comes from the pupil being dilated. Hopefully, the surgery on my right eye will go as well. Our son-in-law Tom took me for the surgery, and he was allowed to watch it on closed-circuit TV trained on my eye, with a nurse right there explaining the procedures. He was fascinated by it all and described it as a great experience.

Because I'm not to do any strenuous work or exercise for a few days, I've had to baby myself--which means I'm getting pretty bored. I'm watching TV and reading without my glasses because now the left lens prescription is way way off, but that means my right eye gets tired, even a little sore, from not having my glasses for that eye. I did drive to church today without my glasses, and that went OK though I don't think I'd drive any great distance or drive at night just yet.

I can't help but remember that Ed hated having anything touch his eyes, hated eye drops. While I'm sure he would have encouraged me to get the Crystalens and be confident about the surgeries, there's no way he would ever have watched the operation! I am truly grateful that he left me with the means to be able to have this done. Time to put in more eye drops now. As I raise the three different bottles of eye drops, guess I'll treat them as a toast to our 23rd anniversary.

Another birthday

Tomorrow, July 3, would have been Ed's 74th birthday. I didn't expect to feel the emotional strain today. I thought it would come tomorrow. Yet here it is. It actually hit me while I was at a mall shopping this afternoon. There were a lot of couples and families shopping, and it seemed like every time I paused to look at something, I heard a man's voice commenting to his wife or daughter. In our early years together, Ed and I would go shopping a lot--from food shopping to Target runs and especially lots of Christmas shopping trips. Once he retired, he wasn't so keen on going with me; but the times I went alone to the mall, I always called him when I was on my way home, and inevitably he would have supper ready for me when I got back. Who'd have thought I'd miss so much being able to call home and say, "I'm on my way."

Melissa called today when she was on her way home from work (something she frequently does), and she asked me what I planned to do tomorrow. Bless her--I didn't have to say anything to remind her of Ed's birthday. She guessed correctly that I would be going to the cemetery. Beyond that, I don't know what I'll do. I've been digging and chopping away at tree roots for a couple of hours each day recently. I had three tree stumps ground out but before I plant grass seed in two of the places or plant a new tree in the other spot, I want to get as many of the roots out as possible. I have the two smaller spots out front done, but the back yard tree area is a much larger project. Perhaps I'll work on that again tomorrow. I figured out how to swing the axe to chop out a couple of rather large tree roots in the back yard. If Ed was watching me, I'm sure it gave him a laugh or two--or maybe it scared him to see my clumsy swings. But I did make some headway.

I can honestly say that within the last month I've recognized some changes in myself. All this time, I still felt married. That probably sounds strange, but I did. I felt married, and it wasn't right that my husband wasn't here. I don't know what happened to change that feeling or exactly when it changed, but now when I cry or feel down, it comes from a mixture of missing Ed and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so aware that I'm alone. I tell myself to quit being so self-centered, and sometimes that works for a while.

Maybe my neighbor Sherry's circumstance had an effect. Sherry lost her husband Butch to pancreatic cancer a month after Ed died. Sherry and Butch were high school sweethearts who married young and were married for over 40 years. Sherry is 11 months older than I am so she's already 60, but you'd never know it by looking at her because she is very petite and stylish and just doesn't look her age. She told me a short time ago that she was dating our across-the-street neighbor who is divorced. When two of my Hearts friends found new partners within a year of their husbands' deaths, I was a little surprised but pleased for them. But Sherry's news shocked me. She had talked with me now and again about being asked out by businessmen or pilots she met at work (she's a flight attendant), but she always declined. She always said she just wasn't ready. So to hear she was dating our neighbor really stunned me. (Guess I wasn't very observant around the neighborhood!) Then she decided she only wanted to be Mike's neighbor and friend, and she turned to eHarmony. Lo and behold, for the last month she has been dating someone she met on eHarmony, and his SUV is once again in her driveway for the weekend even as I write this. So maybe her moving on with her life is a jolt for me.

I always struggle with how to end these posts in the blog. The English teacher in me wants to turn them into essays with proper introductions and conclusions. How's this for a closing: Tomorrow is Ed's birthday. I wish he were here with me to celebrate; but he's not, so I hope he is OK and happy.

Coming up on 2 years

It has been so long since I've written in this blog that I forgot my password! When I last wrote, I was so aware of the two-year anniversary of finding out about Ed's cancer, and since then that awareness has continued every day. When June 16 arrives, it will be a work-on-SAT-essays day for me. I'm hoping that will make the day less emotional because I'll have to be occupied and focused.

Since I last wrote, I've had a trip to Iowa in early April; I worked on a batch of SAT essays for 12 days; Melissa, Mark, and Will were here for Memorial Day weekend; many of the Giesman clan came to visit that Sunday; I spent a day in Cincinnati to attend a funeral and visit family; and last weekend I was in Lancaster, PA, for a family event. Having visitors here for a few days and for the Giesman gathering on Sunday was so good for my spirits. Unfortunately, that lift was followed by finding out that Ed's Aunt Jinny Runk had died. After her funeral, one of Ed's cousins hosted everyone at his house, so I had a chance to catch up a little bit with several of Ed's cousins. They are so warm towards me that it does my heart good. Afterwards, I spent time with my sister-in-law, Maryellen, and most of her family at "Ed's favorite niece" Pat's house. I don't get to see my own relatives much; in fact, because we lived in Iowa and Illinois for so many years, I often missed out on family gatherings back in PA. It was a seven-hour drive to Lancaster, but it was well worth it to re-connect with family on my mother's side. The occasion was a celebration of the 60th wedding anniversary of Aunt Kim (my Mom's sister) and Uncle Jack.

I did have a "gasp" moment when I got to my hotel. My last trip to Lancaster was actually one Ed and I made to attend the funeral of my Aunt Lou in January 2007. When I got inside my hotel room, I realized that I was one floor above the room Ed and I stayed in back then. No one--and certainly not either of us--looking at Ed back then would ever have guessed that he'd be diagnosed with cancer and gone in a few short months.

I had lunch recently with one of my "Hearts" friends, Ruth Ann, who had her two-year anniversary over Memorial Day weekend. She made the point that after this amount of time, people assume you are OK; and some people are. But she and I seem to be moving at the same pace, able to put on a good face but still badly grieving deep down. My staying in a hotel room last weekend instead of with a relative was a sort of test to see how I'd handle being alone on a trip. The actual traveling, whether driving or flying, doesn't bother me though I'm constantly asking Ed to be with me and keep me safe. But that hotel room was another story. It seems 3 a.m. hits just as hard as it does when I'm in my own home, maybe even a little more intense. Or maybe the emotions were so high because these are the days leading up to the two-year anniversary. Or maybe there was also a little fear of how I'd handle people asking me how I'm doing. As it turned out, only one person specifically raised the issue of how I'm handling being alone, and I was able to answer without breaking down.

If you'd like to see some photos of the happy time when Melissa, Mark, and Will were here visiting, check out my Facebook page. Being on Facebook has given me a chance to see photos of family and friends I don't get to see much, and it has put me back in touch with friends from long ago. Facebook is probably the reason I don't feel the need to write in the blog so much. Still, I am comfortable writing things in this blog that I wouldn't say on Facebook, like how much I miss and long for my husband every day.

Decisions, decisions

I've been roaming the house, unable to sleep since 3:45 am, so it must be time to write in the blog again. I've had a Facebook page since November but didn't really do much with it until February when Melissa also got on Facebook. Mostly I use it to see photos posted by family and friends, and perhaps that sort of contact made me not feel the need to blog so much.

I've recently had quite a few nights of having trouble sleeping again. I'm guessing it's because I'm in the midst of an anniversary of sorts. It's now 2 years since we realized something was wrong with Ed and started the rounds of doctoring and testing. I also have had too much time to think because I haven't been working, and the memories come so easily. The good memories come, too, but both kinds still bring tears.

I was very disappointed to learn just days before I was supposed to start on the January SAT essays that Pearson was not assigning me to them. There were far fewer students taking the test than last year (another effect of the lousy economy), and on test day the weather was awful in many parts of the country, so people didn't show up to take the test. As a result, not that many scorers were needed. I have often wondered when my being at the top of their pay scale would affect whether or not I'd be hired for a project, and I think that was part of the reason. About 2 weeks later Pearson offered me a different scoring project, the Standards of Learning test given to 11th graders, and I decided to accept. Instead of working only 12 days straight at a time on the SATs, this is a month-long project. I do the training next week, then will work March 24 to April 23. The compensation for this project is structured differently, so I don't know if I'll be making the same kind of money as the SATs. The prospect of working every day for a month made me think I'd want a break at some point, so I will be going to Iowa April 2-7. I should still have no problem getting in the minimum required weekly hours. Then in May and June, I hope to be assigned again to the SATs since the numbers of test-takers should be higher then, meaning more scorers will be needed again.

Meanwhile, I ended up having to research and get estimates on replacing the heat pump. It was making really loud, annoying noises in February that even woke me up at night, then it seemed like the outside fan would run for hours when it shouldn't be running at all because the gas furnace takes over heating when the temperature outside drops to a certain point. Last Thursday I finally called in the HVAC guy, but there was nothing to fix. The compressor was shot. So after getting several estimates, I decided which company and which heat pump to go with. The new one should be installed next week.

Next decisions to be made are how to get the hairline crack in one of the sunroom windows fixed and who to get here to figure out why there was a really bad leak in the sunroom when the snow and ice were melting off the roof in February. The sunroom seems to have taken the worst hit from the bad winter we had. There was also a day with 60-mile-an-hour winds in February, and this time a tree in the front yard was affected. A small fir tree is now leaning a bit towards my neighbor's yard, yet its roots weren't pulled from the ground. I can't push it upright--it just doesn't budge. I've asked grandson Robby, who works for a landscape company, to come take a look and maybe figure out how to straighten it back up or determine if it needs to be cut down, but he hasn't stopped by yet. So that will be yet another decision to make. I already have one tree stump that needs to be out of the ground in back and another small ornamental tree in the front that I think is dying. Could be a big landscape bill coming up this spring

Starting March 1, I was ready to leave for Iowa at a moment's notice. Will was sick, so I stayed partially packed in case Melissa couldn't make arrangements for someone to be home with him on her Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday work days. Actually, we were supposed to meet up near Cincinnati the night and morning of March 4-5. Melissa, Mark, Will, Mark's parents, brother, and sister were to make a driving trip to Knoxville, TN, for a family wedding. I made hotel arrangements in Harrison, OH, which would have been their overnight stop, so we could have breakfast and spend a couple of hours together. However, Will was diagnosed with RSV and Melissa and Mark had to cancel their trip. He was a pretty sick boy at the start of the 10 days or so till it ran its course, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. He didn't require hospitalization, not even nebulizer treatments like the other kids at his daycare (guess we know where he picked it up). He was back at the sitter's this week, so I never did have to make the trip to help out.

Christmas 2008 and the New Year

This is what happens when a person is sleeping better at night--I'm not prowling the house at 3 a.m. looking for something to do, so I haven't written in the blog lately. I'm not sure why I'm sleeping better. I still wake up during the night, but I'm able to go back to sleep quickly.

Rob (Judi's son) and Colleen's wedding on December 6 was very nice though the snow had some guests leaving the reception early because the roads were getting slick. Ed's family doesn't dance. Son-in-law Tom and I do like to dance, however, and so does granddaughter Sadie, so the three of us got out on the floor a few times.

My travels to Iowa on Christmas Day were a mess. First, there was no flight crew in Columbus even though American's flight to Chicago was sitting there ready for us to board. Luckily, I had scheduled 3 hours between my flights at O'Hare. The crew finally showed up a few minutes after our scheduled departure, acting as though they weren't the least bit late. We finally left Columbus, then sat on the tarmac at O'Hare for an hour until a gate opened. My guess is American was understaffed everywhere--probably people calling in "sick" instead of working on Christmas. My flight to Cedar Rapids was delayed because of more confusion. A flight to Cincinnati was sitting at our gate 3 hours after that flight was supposed to have left, again without a crew, then was switched to be my flight, then was switched again and again and again until finally, at a different gate with a different plane and about an hour late, we took off. Mark's parents waited Christmas dinner for me, so Melissa picked me up and took me straight there. It was a nice evening after all.

We had our Christmas gift opening Friday morning and pretty much just enjoyed Will and relaxing for the next few days. Will was not into opening gifts; he mostly liked to stand on the boxes. He really wasn't attracted to his new toys except for the one that I got him, a little table with all kinds of moving parts that create music. Then somehow I managed to get a stomach bug that Melissa and Mark and Will had had 3 weeks before. I was so sick that I could not fly back on December 31. I re-scheduled for January 2 and just did not eat much of anything so that I was less likely to throw up on the plane. Luckily, getting back went smoothly.

When I got home, I still had to finish wrapping the Giesman clan gifts. I finished at 1:30 p.m. Saturday (January 3), loaded the car, and drove to Becky's for the 3 p.m. gathering. Everyone was there, and we were enjoying talking and eating the good food Becky had prepared when great-granddaughter Payton asked me as she jumped up and down if we could open the gifts. A long time ago Ed set the precedent for how the gift-opening goes. He passed out a gift to each person and everyone had to wait for all to have a gift in hand, then everyone opened at the same time. And that's what we still do, though Tom did the honors of passing out the gifts with help from the younger kids. I had hoped this Christmas would be the one where everyone would be willing to gather in this house, but Becky thought there were a few who still simply can't handle being here. That is so disheartening to me. Maybe next year. Meanwhile, I got a chuckle out of grandson Tommy, who recently turned 21, who was hoping I would host this year because he knew he could have a beer here!

I did get to have a gathering here on January 10--at least my Hearts group likes to come to this house! My friend Abbi is also Slovak, so we decided to have a holubky party. We each made our family's recipe for stuffed cabbage rolls, both of which were very good. I had told the group about the Yuengling brewery in Pottsville, PA, America's oldest brewery, and they have all been on the lookout to buy me some Yuengling beer. However, it's not sold in Ohio, so I brought some back when I visited my Mom at Thanksgiving. The party was also a Yuengling tasting and a wine tasting thanks to friend Cheryl who supplied 6 different kinds of wines and a Jimmy beer tasting thanks to another friend's homemade beer. Everyone brought appetizers and side dishes, so it was quite a feast.

Watching the inauguration yesterday, several times I thought that Ed should be here witnessing this bit of history. Every major event, whether it's a family thing or otherwise, makes me think it's just not right that he is gone. Wonder if I'll ever get to the point to be able to say, as he used to, "It is what it is."

Another holiday season

It has been a while since I've written in this blog though I've thought of doing it several times in the past month. I made two trips during November, one flying to Iowa (Thursday to Tuesday, Nov. 13-18) and one driving to Virginia for Thanksgiving (Wednesday to Sunday, Nov. 26-30). Melissa asked me to come take care of Will while she moved her office from one building to another on Friday, a day she normally does not work. We also did some Christmas shopping, and I cooked a lot as usual when I'm there--the perfect opportunity to teach Will a new word, "hot," which he initially pronounced as "hock." So cute! I spent Thanksgiving with my mother and sister and her family. I guess this has become the routine for Thanksgiving since I went last year as well, and Ed and I went the two years previous to that. Melissa and Mark were there, too, in 2006. That year, on the day after Thanksgiving I took a picture of Ed doing the dishes at my mother's sink and Mark with drying towel in hand. Ed had that big smile of his on his face. That's the Thanksgiving memory that most sticks in my mind.

November 25 was the first anniversary of the death of Ed's brother, Bob. The days leading up to it and the actual date were emotional for me. The memory of how I heard that news kept replaying in my head. It was Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I had just finished filling the gas tank in Springfield, VA, ready to start my drive back after my Thanksgiving visit to my Mom's and Marie's. My cell phone rang; it was Sherry calling to tell me Bob was in his final hours. I had so wanted to see him one last time before Thanksgiving, but he did not want me to come. His daughter Pat told me later that he did not want me to see him looking, as she put it, like a Nazi death camp survivor. Still, I remember sitting at that gas station, crying, thinking I would drive straight to Cincinnati instead of home. But then I thought I should honor Bob's wishes and stay away. He died the next night.

I know the holidays are supposed to be a joyful time, but this year again I am having difficulty dealing with all the merry goings-on. Today I am going to put up minimal outside decorations for Christmas--the PEACE sign we always displayed, some red bows on the lantern lights, a wreath on the door, just like last year. I'll put single candles in the windows. This is all so understated compared with how Ed and I used to decorate for Christmas, but I just don't have the motivation to do more than some simple decorations indoors and out. My sister tried to talk me into putting up the tree this year. I think if I knew someone would be visiting me during the holidays, I would be motivated to put it up. But to the best of my knowledge, I'll not have any visitors again this year. Instead I'll be the visitor, flying to Iowa on Christmas Day and returning New Year's Eve, then gathering at Becky's with the Giesman clan on Jan. 3. I wanted to host the gathering this year, but Becky thinks it would be better not to have it here because it's still too hard for some of the family to be in this house. I know for a few of them it's actually a comfort to come here, but I don't want to risk someone not attending. It was too important to Ed to have his family together especially around the holidays.

This Saturday, Dec. 6, Ed's grandson Robby is getting married. It sounds like he and Colleen are having a traditional wedding, and I've heard hints that Ohio State colors will be part of the mix with Colleen's bridal gown featuring some dashes of red and with silver being an accent color for the bridal party, pretty close to scarlet and gray. As far as I know, almost all the family is planning to be at the wedding and reception. Melissa, Mark, and Will are not coming nor is Jeremy (from St. Louis); beyond that I'll know when I get there. This will make two granddaughters-in-law added to the family this year since Josh and Honesty were married in June.

I had a nice pat on the back from Pearson. After a few days of scoring the November SAT essays, I was re-assigned to what they call "resolution scoring." That means I was the person to decide what the score was to be for any essays where the two original scorers had given overall scores more than one point apart (on a scale of 1 to 6). I didn't even know this function existed outside of Pearson headquarters until I was re-assigned. The scores given are never revealed, but I found it interesting to read these essays and wonder what scores the two original scorers had determined, especially when the "right" score seemed so obvious to me. Guess I have maintained my position as one of Pearson's top scorers. I'll be working on essays again Dec. 11 to 21.

Will's first birthday

I made a driving trip to Iowa for Will's first birthday. I left on Wednesday, Sept. 24, and returned on Tuesday, Sept. 30. The driving went smoothly and I didn't mind the 9 hours in the car, taking only 2 rest breaks and a brief meal break going both directions. That XM satellite radio makes a good companion on the long drive.

Will's big party was on Saturday, Sept. 27. Since I had spent Thursday and Friday cleaning and helping Melissa get things ready for the party which wouldn't start until 4 pm, I had Saturday morning free. I started the day by going to Iowa City to see Janet and Dave Hixenbaugh, our across-the-street neighbors and good friends from Lakewood/Norwalk, along with Dave's brother Greg, who were tailgating before the U of I football game. Because it was Iowa's homecoming, I anticipated driving there in heavy traffic, having to search for parking, and having to walk miles to their tailgate spot. But none of that turned out to be true. My timing must have been just right because I got to Iowa City in 20 minutes, which would be normal time, and drove straight onto campus and into a parking space just a couple of blocks from their tailgate site.

It was so good to see old friends and get caught up on the news and other friends from Norwalk, though I missed seeing Tom and Paula Greteman there--they would normally be at the game but gave their tickets to their daughter Kelli and her husband. So hugs with Kelli had to substitute. When Ed and I talked about where to live once he retired, I always wanted to go back to Iowa, back to the friends that were like family to us. He appreciated that idea but had a stronger pull. Obviously, when it actually came time to make the decision, real family and Ohio won out. But the question was inevitable and it came from Dave: Are you going to sell your house and move back to Iowa? You have no idea how often I ponder that question. With the way the housing market and the economy are, it's just a bad time to be trying to sell a house. But what holds me here even more is that I feel like I would be leaving Ed if I left here, the last place we were together, and I can't bring myself to do that. So I have a rational answer to that question and an emotional one that some people may find silly, but that's the way it is.

Once Jan and Dave headed into the football stadium, I headed to the Coral Ridge Mall thinking I might find a Maid-Rite in the food court there. The famous Maid-Rite "loose meat" sandwich is another craving I've had, especially once I satisfied my craving for a good pork tenderloin for lunch on Thursday. However, there was no Maid-Rite, so I had a quick bite then headed back to Melissa and Mark's.

Some family and close friends had already arrived, so Will's party actually got an early start. At 4 pm, it was in full swing with 30+ people there. Melissa said if everybody had come who was invited, there would have been 42 people total. Since many of their circle of friends have kids, they celebrate the kids' birthdays as another reason to get together. It was a beautiful, mild, sunny day, so the kids could play outside--and that includes the "big kids" who played a bean-bag-toss game. Mark handled the grilling, Melissa played hostess, and I alternated between monitoring kids outside and monitoring the food spread in the kitchen. Will received lots of toys as gifts, which Melissa predicted would happen.

At cake time, M & M stripped Will to his diaper, sat him in his high chair, and let him go at his piece of birthday cake with both hands. It didn't take long for him to be covered in frosting. Unfortunately, once he swallowed his first bite of cake, he began to break out in hives. The previous weekend, Melissa gave him homemade waffles, made with eggs, of course, and he handled them just fine, so she and Mark thought the doctor's prediction that Will would outgrow his egg allergy by age 1 came true. She found a cake mix with no milk in it but that did require eggs, and that's what she had me bake. At the first sign of the hives, they gave Will Benadryl and it worked within minutes. It's amazing to see how quickly the hives cover his body and how quickly the medicine reverses that. After a quick clean-up in the tub, Will was into his PJs and back in party mode. People left around 8 pm--had to get their own kids to bed.

On Sunday, Will's actual birthday, Mark's parents Jim and Marna, his brother and sister Matt and Michelle, Melissa's Dad Jim and Peggy, M & M & Will and I met for lunch at Panera. Afterwards, we went to see Jim and Marna's new house which is being built in a new neighborhood not far from M & M's. Then we went back and Will opened his presents from all of us. I got him a snugglepuff, which is a snuggly, soft Penn State football attached to a security blanket embroidered with "Penn State University" at the hemline--he had to get something Penn State! Another gift was a bright red sippy cup with his name on it in bold letter shapes and bright colors, along with a shirt that has a sheriff's star on it and reads "I'm in charge." I also got him a hardwood puzzle that teaches shapes and colors; each piece has an easy-to-grasp handle which he took to immediately, even though at one point he tried to use the grip as a pacifier. I added money to his college fund, too. He received many other nice gifts from everyone.

Will was just delightful the entire time I was there. Melissa had been showing him my picture days ahead and telling him that Grammy was coming, and within seconds of seeing me on Wednesday, he was reaching for me. So all in all it was a pleasant time. Having my own car to drive gave me freedom to do things on my own and I took advantage of that. On one of my trips to pick up party things, I saw a little of the area of Cedar Rapids that was flooded. I could tell that some progress had been made in the clean-up--in fact, the Courthouse downtown was finally re-opened on Monday--but there is still so much destruction to see.

Starting on Thursday of this week I will be back to working on SAT essays. Beyond that I have nothing planned though Melissa wants me to fly to Iowa on Christmas Day for my Christmas visit. Ed's grandson Rob will be getting married Dec. 6. On Sept. 20 I attended the celebration of the marriage of grandson Josh and his wife Honesty (they eloped June 26). Daughter Sherry in St. Louis (Josh's mother) had hip replacement surgery Sept. 22 and seems to have come through that fine though she has weeks of recovery time. Instigated by Cheryl, my friend from the Hearts group (Hearts being the friends from the support group I attended), I've been going to wine-tastings pretty much every Friday evening, expanding my horizons beyond my favorite beers and whatever-wine-is-on-sale. This is in addition to our regular Hearts gathering for supper together every Wednesday. As I told Jan and Dave, I'm very grateful to have my Hearts group of friends, but I so miss everybody from our circle of friends back in Iowa and I very much miss the neighborhood closeness we had in Lakewood.

The remains of Hurricane Ike

The Governor of Ohio declared a state of emergency for the entire state on Sunday, Sept. 14. Two million people in Ohio were without power, and I was one of them. Today, Tuesday, Sept. 16, the number without power is under 500,000. Predictions are that it could take until Sunday for all power to be restored. Schools were closed yesterday and again today, either because the buildings don't have power or because roadways are still littered with tree limbs and downed power lines.

On Sunday starting around noon, winds that came from a mix of what used to be Hurricane Ike and the jet stream caused high wind warnings to be issued for Ohio. From noon until about 7:30 pm, there were steady winds of 30 to 40 mph, gusts of 75 mph, and then steady very high winds. By 3 pm, I lost power as well as a large limb from a beautiful 20-foot tall Bradford pear tree in my back yard. By 3:15, a bunch of my neighbors, who all heard the crack, were gathered in my back yard trying to help me figure out what to do about the tree. My back yard neighbor Todd, who helped me before when a small tree went down, got his chain saw and was starting to cut away the broken limb so that the wind wasn't pushing it against the main trunk when, suddenly, another third of the tree cracked and fell. Luckily, it fell away from where Todd was standing. He looked at me and we both said, "This tree has to go." He cut through the main trunk so that the rest of the tree fell into the yard away from the house and away from the power lines and phone lines at the back of the property. Then we started hearing more and more cracks in the area. I have the privilege of being the first in my neighborhood to have lost a tree on Sunday, but many more came down in the next hours.

On Monday, Todd and his friends showed up with a rented wood chipper and a truck from one of their businesses and more chain saws. First they took care of all his downed limbs and two gorgeous very tall pine trees that came down in his yard; then they cleared away all my limbs. And then they went off to help other people they knew. A "thank you" and "God bless you" (and chipping in--no pun intended--on the cost of the rented equipment) just isn't enough to show my gratitude.

While we were dragging my tree limbs to Todd's yard where the chipper was sitting, my neighbor Ann Morgan came out onto her deck and yelled "It's on!" It was 11:20 am. Having heard reports that it could take up to a week to restore all power, we were grateful to be among the first to get it back. All my frozen food was still frozen solid, and the refrigerator food still felt cool, so I fared well in that area. However, we had a little scare about 11:30 when we started smelling something burning outside. A small branch in one of the large trees bordering Todd's and Morgans' property line was smoking. The nearby power line must have ignited it when the surge went through as the power came on. Bill Morgan called the fire department, who said they didn't know when they could get here to check it out, so we were to just keep an eye on it and call 9-1-1 if flames appeared. One of the guys predicted that once it burned through, the branch would fall and all would be OK, and that's exactly what happened. Two fire department personnel did show up about 4 pm, and they asked me to keep an eye on it even though it appeared all was fine. I haven't smelled or seen any further problem.

I had been trying to call Debbie and Tom both Sunday and Monday to see if they had power and finally reached Tom at work Monday morning. After I got power back, we made arrangements for Debbie to bring their freezer food over. They are not among the lucky to get power back early. David called me Sunday night to check on me and confirm that he did not have power. Becky called me Monday morning to check on me; her power was restored at about 4:30 am Monday. I don't know the status of Judi or Eddie.

A lesson from this: If you have a land line, keep at least one corded phone available. As long as there is phone service, a corded phone will work but the cordless ones don't. I'm glad that I still have a separate land line and not service that is bundled in with my cable and internet (which I have been thinking about doing), and that I had 2 corded phones sitting in the basement. Although my WOWWAY cable service apparently was OK, Time Warner cable service was lost, so people who had bundled phone service with that company had no phones at all. My cell phone service went in and out until today, when it seems to be consistently operating. After this experience, I've removed those corded phones from my garage sale stack!

I checked the cemetery this morning and saw limbs everywhere; many of the huge trees there have broken limbs or split trunks. A few of the flags around the Veterans Memorial have disappeared. Surprisingly, the silk flowers and flag in the vase at Ed's grave were all intact.

One common comment in my neighborhood is that this damage and lack of power is nothing compared with the loss of life and suffering of the people of Texas and the Gulf Coast area because of Hurricane Ike.

Our 22nd Anniversary August 9

I've been telling myself all week that I would write in the blog on our anniversary, but not being able to get back to sleep since I awoke at 4 a.m. has me at the keyboard trying to comfort myself. Ed and I would be celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary tomorrow. We knew each other for 5 years before we got married. He always told me that he knew very early on that we belonged together, but because of our age difference, he wanted me to be absolutely sure. When we had those talks, neither one of us ever thought he would be gone so soon. His parents lived to age 79. His dad had had a heart attack in middle age and his mom had heart problems as well, so we thought their circumstances were a predictor and that's why Ed saw a cardiologist every year. I suppose some would say that 20 years of married life (almost 21 years, just short of that by 2 months) is a long time, but I can't stop thinking that we weren't done yet. We still had so many plans, so many things he wanted us to do together.

Despite learning in my support group that significant days can bring back the intense grief, I didn't prepare myself for it to happen. I had a diversion last week, going to Melissa and Mark's from Wednesday to Sunday. I painted their kitchen, foyer, and hallway; we rode through the flood-devastated areas that are still a long way from recovering; we shopped; I enjoyed Will, of course. Even getting back home I found diversions by going to a downsizing workshop with a few friends, going to the weekly supper gathering, and helping a friend unpack at her new place. But each night for probably the last two weeks--even at Melissa's--I have awakened feeling just so sad and alone. Then I can't get back to sleep, which means I'm tired during the day and fall asleep in the afternoon, which then makes it difficult to get to sleep at bedtime. It's a vicious cycle. My friends have joked that we should set up some instant messaging alert so that when we are prowling the house at 3 a.m., we can signal that we're up and needing to talk. So I know I'm not the only one going through this.

I'm sure I'll get through tomorrow--and even get through today--because I have to and because I've gotten through every other down day. I also recognize that I mainly write in this blog when I'm feeling really down. So I should say that I do smile and laugh with my friends and enjoy my visits with family; I even laugh out loud at funny things on TV. Right now, thinking about our anniversary and missing Ed so much that it hurts just isn't one of those times when I can smile.

Ed's birthday again

Today is Ed's birthday. I just heard some firecrackers go off in the neighborhood, and I am reminded that he used to claim any fireworks shot off on July 3 were a celebration of his birthday, not Independence Day.

Mass this morning at our church was for Ed and I attended, of course, since I arranged for the Mass intention. I took a dozen red roses to the cemetery afterwards. Things have been pretty quiet through the rest of my day today. I opted not to go to tonight's big Columbus fireworks display "Red, White, and Boom." Although I appreciated being there last year with Debbie and Tom and family, I just didn't have the desire to go this year. Watching them on TV will be good enough.

I guess I don't have much to say tonight. I miss Ed terribly, not just on his birthday but every day.

One year

How can it have been a whole year since Ed's death? There have been so many times that it seems like he's just away on yet another business trip and will be coming home soon. Then reality kicks in, and my heart hurts.

My friends who already had their first anniversaries told me that the days leading up to the date were worse than the anniversary date itself. That proved true for me, too. Try as I may to focus on good memories, Ed's last weeks kept taking over my thoughts. My worst day was Saturday rather than yesterday. Perhaps that was because Ed died on Saturday, June 16 last year, the day before Father's Day. One comfort I did have on Saturday was that Melissa had asked me several weeks ago to place three red roses at his grave for Father's Day, one each from her, Mark, and Will. The florist was apologetic that she was out of baby's breath to put with them and supplied some purple-flowered stems, whose name I can't recall, instead of baby's breath along with some greenery. Little did she know how appropriate I thought the purple was--a remembrance of Norwalk city and school colors and of Melissa and Mark's wedding accent color. Then yesterday afternoon I added a rose from our rose bush to the arrangement.

Also on Saturday, I went to 5:00 Mass because Sherry had arranged for it to be in remembrance of her father; that was her Father's Day gift to Ed. Back when she did this, we both asked the woman at church who handles the Mass intentions to somehow assure that "Giesman" would be pronounced correctly. When I saw that the lector who would read the Prayer of the Faithful was a high school boy, I figured he would mispronounce it. But he said it perfectly--and that got to me instantly. It's difficult to camouflage tears streaming down your face when you're out in public, and it took me several minutes to compose myself. I was on the verge of a hard cry the entire rest of the Mass and barely made it into the car before I let it come.

A major distraction since Thursday of last week was the historic flooding in Cedar Rapids. Although their home in Fairfax, a few miles outside of Cedar Rapids, was fine and they never lost electricity or water or phone service, Melissa and Mark's work was affected because of the extreme street flooding which severely inhibited getting around and actual flooding in buildings. Melissa's work, Tanager Place Clinic, was shut down, and Mark's job in Marketing at Mercy Hospital turned into a very different role for him as part of the Emergency Management Team, especially since the hospital was evacuated. Melissa called me numerous times with updates or asking for advice on how to prepare for possible loss of power. I watched The Weather Channel a lot because they had extensive coverage of the situation. There were frequent comparisons in the news to the flooding in 1993; this flooding, however, is much worse. In 1993, we were living in Norwalk, IA, but the flooding in July then wiped out the water plant in Des Moines which provided our water, so we spent two weeks without running water. Ed missed out on some of this because he was in California on business.

My other distraction is that I'm working on SAT essays from the June test administration. I am having difficulty focusing at times, and I'm sure a computer somewhere at Pearson is tracking the fact that sometimes I've spent only 10 minutes working before taking yet another break. Yesterday I did put in a few hours total, but at midday my neighbors, Sherry Statczar and Ann Morgan, insisted on taking me to lunch--although with the largest and most comfortable car among us, I did the driving. When Sherry suggested this, I really did not want to go because I thought I just wanted to be alone for the day. But I know she wanted to do something nice for me and I didn't want to offend her, so I went. It was a pleasant time and the food was tasty, so I guess it was good "lunch therapy."

I had several e-mails in recent days and especially on Monday from Melissa, daughter Becky, niece Pat, several of my cousins, and from my support group friends, all letting me know how much they care about me. I also had a call from my sister, Marie, and one from daughter Sherry last evening. I really appreciate them all. As Ed would often say, even when we understood his diagnosis, "It is what it is." So the first anniversary is over, and my heart still hurts, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other to go on.

I have been writing this entry since 5:00 am when I woke up. I didn't think it would be so hard to compose it. Here's hoping I do a better job of focusing on those SAT essays today.