Today would have been Ed's 75th birthday. I know I've said it this way before, but it still does not seem possible that it has been 3 years since he died. My friend Ruth Ann from my Hearts group said recently that she thinks she and I will always feel like a piece of us is missing, that from all our stories of our lives with our spouses, we two had the best marriages and a closeness and love that surpassed what others of our group had. I would say that usually the days leading up to June 16, the anniversary of Ed's death, or other significant dates have been emotionally worse than the actual day. Today, however, I have been feeling the loneliness and, really, still the feeling of unfairness that he was taken too soon. For June 16 and again for today, I put a dozen red roses, Ed's favorite flower, at his gravesite. They don't really last long because of the heat this time of year, even though I check them and water them every day that they still look decent. It's just sort of my visible tribute to him, even if I'm the only one who sees it.
Two Hearts friends, Pam and Pat, were married in May. It was a lovely wedding. Our group especially appreciated the tributes Pam and Pat each paid to their deceased spouses. I came up with the idea for and coordinated our gifts to the newlyweds. My friend Cheryl hand-painted lovely floral designs on cards that allowed us each to write our own sentiments inside, then we each enclosed a Bob Evans gift card--so appropriate since we still get together for supper every Wednesday at the same Bob Evans we started going to back when we were in the grief support group. Pam and Pat were sure we would do something raunchy or embarrassing as a gift, and they were so thrilled--and relieved--at what we did.
I was in Iowa in the days around Memorial Day to help Melissa, Mark, and Will move into and get settled in their new home. They have a beautiful, spacious house with a very large yard. There was already a two-level playhouse, slide, climbing wall, and swing set in the yard, and Will loves it. Now when I visit, I have my own bedroom and bathroom. Will loves the Chicago Cubs colors of his bedroom, and the new baby's room is awaiting the new arrival in August.
Other than driving out to Iowa for the new baby's birth, I don't have any summer plans. Just taking each day as it comes, keeping up the property and house, taking advantage of free outdoor concerts for entertainment, and of course gathering with my friends.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
How the mind works
I wouldn't have thought the subconscious mind could bring memories to the forefront so vividly just because another page turned on the calendar. Today is 3 years since we first realized something was wrong with Ed. Last weekend I was in Iowa for a 4-day visit, checking in on and helping out Melissa, mainly. She is having a rough time with nausea during this pregnancy. (If you haven't heard by now, Melissa and Mark are expecting August 29.) Three years ago, Ed and I made the trip to Iowa to help paint the newly finished basement, the very family room that becomes my bedroom when I'm there. I looked at those painted walls last weekend, but it didn't trigger the emotions and tears that seeing today's date on the calendar has triggered. I described what happened to make us notice a problem with Ed's gait when I wrote in the blog on March 6, 2008, so I won't repeat it all here. I just didn't expect it to all come back and hit me so hard again.
I do have some pleasant events to report on since I last wrote on Christmas Eve. The Giesman gathering here on January 1 was a success. The gifts of digital photo frames that I loaded with memorable photos tailored to each recipient were a huge hit and caused much laughter among the young adult grandkids as they saw photos of their parents at their age. Almost everybody was here. Sherry and Jeremy had already visited me Christmas Day. A couple older grandkids didn't make it, nor did David and family who were vacationing in Florida, but everyone else seemed to enjoy being together. I went to Iowa January 7-12 and Christmas there was January 9. Will had so many Christmas celebrations spread out over 2 1/2 weeks' time that he must have thought Santa visits every few days whether you've been good or not.
I wasn't assigned to the late January-early February SAT essays, which disappointed me. However, I will be working on them in March. Since I had some time with no commitments, I went to Stuart, Florida (actually the community of Sewall's Point on the Indian River and intercoastal waterway) for 4 days at the invitation of my cousin Judi and her husband Frank. The weather never got warmer than the mid 60s; nevertheless, the sunshine felt good. Judi and I hadn't had time together since we were teenagers, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Between their beautiful home, the sun, the sounds of the ocean, long walks in the area and on the beach, and Judi's delicious cooking and baking, I felt like I was at a resort enjoying some much-appreciated relaxation. I didn't give all the snow and ice back in Columbus a thought, even though I had to snowblow my way out of my driveway to get to the airport to start the trip.
I got back from Florida late on a Friday night, and on Saturday morning I received an e-mail alert about an airfare deal to Cedar Rapids. So five days later I was on a flight again. Turned out the weather in Iowa was better than what Columbus was having. Now, finally, we have some warmer days and sunshine that will get rid of the mounds of snow. It has been a particularly snowy winter, and I've used the snowblower a lot to keep my driveway and sidewalks clear along with those of three neighbors.
I'm still dealing with my eyes, although at my last checkup two weeks ago, finally the ophthalmologist said things look much better. He had to search for inflamed cells; a normal exam might even have missed them. I'm still on steroid drops once a day and artificial tears every three hours or so. I regained some of the distance vision I had lost, something I noticed in about the last month. My close-up vision is unbelievably good. Mid-range distance is sometimes good and sometimes a little blurred, further proof that it can take 6 to 12 months until your vision finally settles down and your brain has fully learned to accommodate the Crystalens implants.
Next weekend I'll be driving over to Virginia to see my mother and sister and family. I haven't been there in quite a while. Then I'll be going back to Iowa for Easter.
Tomorrow, my Hearts group is having a farewell party for Mary, who is moving back to Wisconsin to be near her daughter and two sisters. She is the first of the Hearts to move away. Her stepchildren don't want her to go. (She has lived here 30 years and is very close to her stepchildren; they have been so good to her in the past 2 years since her husband died.) However, Mary says she feels a pull to go back to Wisconsin. I haven't had that experience, feeling pulled to move somewhere. The other good news from the group is that Pat and Pam, who've been part of the Hearts from the beginning and started dating almost 2 years ago, are getting married in May. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of marrying again, but I'm happy for the two of them, of course.
I do have some pleasant events to report on since I last wrote on Christmas Eve. The Giesman gathering here on January 1 was a success. The gifts of digital photo frames that I loaded with memorable photos tailored to each recipient were a huge hit and caused much laughter among the young adult grandkids as they saw photos of their parents at their age. Almost everybody was here. Sherry and Jeremy had already visited me Christmas Day. A couple older grandkids didn't make it, nor did David and family who were vacationing in Florida, but everyone else seemed to enjoy being together. I went to Iowa January 7-12 and Christmas there was January 9. Will had so many Christmas celebrations spread out over 2 1/2 weeks' time that he must have thought Santa visits every few days whether you've been good or not.
I wasn't assigned to the late January-early February SAT essays, which disappointed me. However, I will be working on them in March. Since I had some time with no commitments, I went to Stuart, Florida (actually the community of Sewall's Point on the Indian River and intercoastal waterway) for 4 days at the invitation of my cousin Judi and her husband Frank. The weather never got warmer than the mid 60s; nevertheless, the sunshine felt good. Judi and I hadn't had time together since we were teenagers, so we had a lot of catching up to do. Between their beautiful home, the sun, the sounds of the ocean, long walks in the area and on the beach, and Judi's delicious cooking and baking, I felt like I was at a resort enjoying some much-appreciated relaxation. I didn't give all the snow and ice back in Columbus a thought, even though I had to snowblow my way out of my driveway to get to the airport to start the trip.
I got back from Florida late on a Friday night, and on Saturday morning I received an e-mail alert about an airfare deal to Cedar Rapids. So five days later I was on a flight again. Turned out the weather in Iowa was better than what Columbus was having. Now, finally, we have some warmer days and sunshine that will get rid of the mounds of snow. It has been a particularly snowy winter, and I've used the snowblower a lot to keep my driveway and sidewalks clear along with those of three neighbors.
I'm still dealing with my eyes, although at my last checkup two weeks ago, finally the ophthalmologist said things look much better. He had to search for inflamed cells; a normal exam might even have missed them. I'm still on steroid drops once a day and artificial tears every three hours or so. I regained some of the distance vision I had lost, something I noticed in about the last month. My close-up vision is unbelievably good. Mid-range distance is sometimes good and sometimes a little blurred, further proof that it can take 6 to 12 months until your vision finally settles down and your brain has fully learned to accommodate the Crystalens implants.
Next weekend I'll be driving over to Virginia to see my mother and sister and family. I haven't been there in quite a while. Then I'll be going back to Iowa for Easter.
Tomorrow, my Hearts group is having a farewell party for Mary, who is moving back to Wisconsin to be near her daughter and two sisters. She is the first of the Hearts to move away. Her stepchildren don't want her to go. (She has lived here 30 years and is very close to her stepchildren; they have been so good to her in the past 2 years since her husband died.) However, Mary says she feels a pull to go back to Wisconsin. I haven't had that experience, feeling pulled to move somewhere. The other good news from the group is that Pat and Pam, who've been part of the Hearts from the beginning and started dating almost 2 years ago, are getting married in May. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of marrying again, but I'm happy for the two of them, of course.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve, December 24, 2009
And so this is Christmas, as the song says. It's a very different one for me. As I write this I'm alone, I have no place to go tonight (Christmas Eve) except to church later for midnight Mass, and tomorrow I'm joining two friends to go to an afternoon movie followed by dinner out. I have never had a Christmas like this before. No cooking, no baking, no multitude of visitors or going to people's houses, no traveling. I did have two visitors, however.
Sherry (Ed's daughter) and Jeremy (grandson), who live in St. Louis, visited this afternoon for about 1 1/2 hours; that was nice. Never fear, I haven't been a hermit. The days leading up to today have taken me out to places for shopping and, the last two nights, dinner out with friends. Sunday, December 20, was a really good day with my Hearts group coming over to decorate the tree (I did decorate the house this year), sing around the piano with me accompanying, and have lots of great food and drink and conversation and laughs. They are such dear people. Going back to last week, I worked on SAT essays Monday through Friday. For the long weekend of December 10-14, Melissa, Mark, and Will were here to help me celebrate my 60th birthday. That Saturday night, some of the Giesman kids and grands as well as a couple neighbors came over for birthday cake. While M & M & Will were here, we went to the Columbus Zoo to see the holiday lights that covered nearly every inch of the place, it seemed. Will also sat on Santa's lap--Santa just happened to be visiting the guard house at the entrance to my street. We got the platform out and set up the Lionel train (my first Christmas present when I was 11 days old), and as I expected, Will loved it. So of course we had to put the tree in place, too--which sat rather bare until my friends and I decorated it.
Despite all the activity in the past two weeks, it is very quiet in the house now. I've left all my gift wrapping chores go since the Giesman gathering won't be until January 1, here at the house, and our Christmas in Iowa will be sometime when I'm there January 7-12. I figured on filling the upcoming days with gift wrapping and preparing for the January events. Since I've gotten out only about half of the Christmas cards I usually send, I'll work on the rest of those Christmas morning. (Better they get out late than never.)
So it's a different Christmas this year. Not awful, just different. Kinda takes some getting used to.
Sherry (Ed's daughter) and Jeremy (grandson), who live in St. Louis, visited this afternoon for about 1 1/2 hours; that was nice. Never fear, I haven't been a hermit. The days leading up to today have taken me out to places for shopping and, the last two nights, dinner out with friends. Sunday, December 20, was a really good day with my Hearts group coming over to decorate the tree (I did decorate the house this year), sing around the piano with me accompanying, and have lots of great food and drink and conversation and laughs. They are such dear people. Going back to last week, I worked on SAT essays Monday through Friday. For the long weekend of December 10-14, Melissa, Mark, and Will were here to help me celebrate my 60th birthday. That Saturday night, some of the Giesman kids and grands as well as a couple neighbors came over for birthday cake. While M & M & Will were here, we went to the Columbus Zoo to see the holiday lights that covered nearly every inch of the place, it seemed. Will also sat on Santa's lap--Santa just happened to be visiting the guard house at the entrance to my street. We got the platform out and set up the Lionel train (my first Christmas present when I was 11 days old), and as I expected, Will loved it. So of course we had to put the tree in place, too--which sat rather bare until my friends and I decorated it.
Despite all the activity in the past two weeks, it is very quiet in the house now. I've left all my gift wrapping chores go since the Giesman gathering won't be until January 1, here at the house, and our Christmas in Iowa will be sometime when I'm there January 7-12. I figured on filling the upcoming days with gift wrapping and preparing for the January events. Since I've gotten out only about half of the Christmas cards I usually send, I'll work on the rest of those Christmas morning. (Better they get out late than never.)
So it's a different Christmas this year. Not awful, just different. Kinda takes some getting used to.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Eyes update and more
It has taken this long to finally be able to report that the post-surgery inflammation is gone from both of my eyes. I got that good news from the ophthalmologist who has a specialty in persistent eye inflammation. So now over the next three weeks, I am weaning myself off the steroid drops; I stopped the other eye drops last week, but he recommended I continue using artificial tears, especially through the winter months. No one told me beforehand that eye surgery can cause dry eyes, not that that would have prevented me from going through with it. I go back to my ophthalmologist who did the surgery in two weeks. One thing that concerns me is that during the past few weeks my perfect vision has lessened for long distances although for close up and intermediate ranges it is still fabulous. What I've noticed is that if I focus on a distant road sign, for example, I can eventually make out what it says; however, when I'm driving I don't have the luxury of spending time to focus, hence the concern. I've read that it can take three to six months and even up to a year until you know what your final vision outcome is with the Crystalens implants. Until the doctor tells me otherwise, I'm going to assume that my eye muscles are still "in training" learning how to adjust the lens to respond to distance vision. But if it comes to needing glasses for certain situations (like driving), I'm OK with that.
A good test of how well the lenses are working was my work time on the SAT essays. I worked October 15-27, and even on the days when I worked 7 hours (which used to tire out my eyes and even give me a headache from looking at the computer screen for that long a stretch), I never had a headache, never felt like my eyes needed a rest. Before, when a student's handwriting or printing was really tiny, I would struggle to read it and would have to use a magnification tool built into the essay scoring software, but this time I didn't need to do that for even the tiniest printing. Pretty impressive, I'd say.
The other news from October is that I signed up for Social Security. I will be turning 60 in December, so I'm eligible for widow's benefits based on Ed's record. The first payment will hit my bank account in January. I remember walking out of the Social Security office with such mixed emotions after signing up--so grateful to Ed for his hard work and success that will now benefit me, so grateful that, really, he is still taking care of me in this way, but so sad and upset that it has to be this way. Yes, I cried in the parking lot.
Fortunately, my good friends continue to make me laugh--a lot. We haven't been going to the wine tastings on Fridays as often, but now we've added a new dimension to our social calendars. After our usual supper at Bob Evans on Wednesday evenings with anywhere from 8 to 18 people, most weeks my friends Cheryl, George, Ron, and I (and sometimes Ann) go out for a drink afterwards and more chatting and laughing. I have never in my life been to a bar this frequently (actually, the bar section of Champs restaurant); in fact, I've never been out to eat so frequently and regularly!
I am going to be traveling to Iowa for Thanksgiving week. Will and I will get to babysit each other for two of the days. Thanksgiving dinner will be at Mark's parents' house where there will be quite a large family gathering. I've already been requested to make huge quantities of deviled eggs as my contribution to the meal. Then I will be home for Christmas and New Year's. Melissa, Mark, and Will may be coming for my birthday in December; hopefully, that will work out. I'm planning to host the Giesman Christmas gathering on Jan. 1; Becky has hosted the last two years. Though I have always wanted to have it here, it was hard for some of Ed's kids to be here without him; hopefully enough time has passed that it won't be a problem for them. Then I've organized a group to go to a concert on Jan. 3. Sometime after that I'll go back to Iowa for a visit.
As you can see, there were several "hopefully" comments above. That's kind of how things go these days. Deal with whatever comes up and hope for the best.
A good test of how well the lenses are working was my work time on the SAT essays. I worked October 15-27, and even on the days when I worked 7 hours (which used to tire out my eyes and even give me a headache from looking at the computer screen for that long a stretch), I never had a headache, never felt like my eyes needed a rest. Before, when a student's handwriting or printing was really tiny, I would struggle to read it and would have to use a magnification tool built into the essay scoring software, but this time I didn't need to do that for even the tiniest printing. Pretty impressive, I'd say.
The other news from October is that I signed up for Social Security. I will be turning 60 in December, so I'm eligible for widow's benefits based on Ed's record. The first payment will hit my bank account in January. I remember walking out of the Social Security office with such mixed emotions after signing up--so grateful to Ed for his hard work and success that will now benefit me, so grateful that, really, he is still taking care of me in this way, but so sad and upset that it has to be this way. Yes, I cried in the parking lot.
Fortunately, my good friends continue to make me laugh--a lot. We haven't been going to the wine tastings on Fridays as often, but now we've added a new dimension to our social calendars. After our usual supper at Bob Evans on Wednesday evenings with anywhere from 8 to 18 people, most weeks my friends Cheryl, George, Ron, and I (and sometimes Ann) go out for a drink afterwards and more chatting and laughing. I have never in my life been to a bar this frequently (actually, the bar section of Champs restaurant); in fact, I've never been out to eat so frequently and regularly!
I am going to be traveling to Iowa for Thanksgiving week. Will and I will get to babysit each other for two of the days. Thanksgiving dinner will be at Mark's parents' house where there will be quite a large family gathering. I've already been requested to make huge quantities of deviled eggs as my contribution to the meal. Then I will be home for Christmas and New Year's. Melissa, Mark, and Will may be coming for my birthday in December; hopefully, that will work out. I'm planning to host the Giesman Christmas gathering on Jan. 1; Becky has hosted the last two years. Though I have always wanted to have it here, it was hard for some of Ed's kids to be here without him; hopefully enough time has passed that it won't be a problem for them. Then I've organized a group to go to a concert on Jan. 3. Sometime after that I'll go back to Iowa for a visit.
As you can see, there were several "hopefully" comments above. That's kind of how things go these days. Deal with whatever comes up and hope for the best.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Eyes checkup
One month after cataract surgery and Crystalens implant in my left eye and one week after the same in my right eye, the report is mostly good. I have 20/20 vision at all distances, even a little better in the right eye at close range. However, both eyes have inflammation. The doctor says this is to be expected in the right eye because it has only been a week since surgery, but he has no explanation for the inflammation still in the left eye. His comment was "You're not a normal person." Some would say that's obvious. (That phrasing sounds just like Ed would say it.)
Nothing to panic or be worried about, the doc says. He thinks the blurriness I am experiencing is from the inflammation and expects that to improve in the next two weeks. Increasing the frequency of eye drops is the only thing to do about it. As of today, I'm down to two kinds of drops for each eye and I instill drops four times a day. He says having blurriness come and go is not what others who achieved the great vision I have have reported. I'm to be patient and give it all time to improve. I start eye exercises today. They really aren't anything special. I have 6 booklets of word search puzzles, each booklet in succession a smaller print. I'm to do the puzzles 10 minutes at a time twice a day, and after the 10 minutes look at least 10 feet away and focus hard on something. This is supposed to strengthen the eye muscle and teach it to move the Crystalens forwards and backwards the way a natural lens would move in response to viewing conditions. However, I haven't had a problem adjusting to viewing distance except for the blurriness, especially at longer distances. So I'll see what happens--pun intended.
Nothing to panic or be worried about, the doc says. He thinks the blurriness I am experiencing is from the inflammation and expects that to improve in the next two weeks. Increasing the frequency of eye drops is the only thing to do about it. As of today, I'm down to two kinds of drops for each eye and I instill drops four times a day. He says having blurriness come and go is not what others who achieved the great vision I have have reported. I'm to be patient and give it all time to improve. I start eye exercises today. They really aren't anything special. I have 6 booklets of word search puzzles, each booklet in succession a smaller print. I'm to do the puzzles 10 minutes at a time twice a day, and after the 10 minutes look at least 10 feet away and focus hard on something. This is supposed to strengthen the eye muscle and teach it to move the Crystalens forwards and backwards the way a natural lens would move in response to viewing conditions. However, I haven't had a problem adjusting to viewing distance except for the blurriness, especially at longer distances. So I'll see what happens--pun intended.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Our 23rd wedding anniversary
Today Ed and I would be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary. We would probably exchange cards (we were long past giving each other gifts) and enjoy grilling our main meal (especially because the temperature will be in the 90s today), probably have wine with dinner. We'd probably have tickets for a show or special event going on around this time and consider that part of our celebration, too. Simple pleasures, but those are what we enjoyed most. So are you supposed to still celebrate your anniversary when only one of you is here to do it? I haven't answered that question for myself yet.
This will probably sound silly, but I have been working hard not to cry today, though I'm not totally succeeding. Here's the reason: I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Thursday, and I don't know if crying would have any effect on how well my eye drops would be absorbed or would cause some sort of swelling that isn't good. So I'm trying to stay in control. My surgery included a re-shaping of my cornea to get rid of my astigmatism, and instead of the standard lens implant once the cataract was out of there, I got a Crystalens, which is a flexible lens that mimics the natural lens in helping me see. When everything is healed and my brain and the lens are working in sync, I shouldn't need my glasses so much--maybe even not at all. One day after surgery, I already had 20/20 vision for intermediate distance and 20/25 and 20/30 for close up and long distance. Right now my pupil is still dilated; somehow that prevents the eye muscle from trying to move the implanted lens. But about Wednesday, the pupil should be back to normal size and then I should experience even more improved vision. I'll be having cataract surgery on my right eye on August 27, having the Crystalens implant for that eye, too, though the astigmatism in my right eye is minimal so I won't have that correction done. I am looking forward to having perfect vision, or at least much much improved vision, and I'm told that will be for the rest of my life. I was fortunate not to have any pain or other effects from the surgery other than some peripheral blurriness that actually comes from the pupil being dilated. Hopefully, the surgery on my right eye will go as well. Our son-in-law Tom took me for the surgery, and he was allowed to watch it on closed-circuit TV trained on my eye, with a nurse right there explaining the procedures. He was fascinated by it all and described it as a great experience.
Because I'm not to do any strenuous work or exercise for a few days, I've had to baby myself--which means I'm getting pretty bored. I'm watching TV and reading without my glasses because now the left lens prescription is way way off, but that means my right eye gets tired, even a little sore, from not having my glasses for that eye. I did drive to church today without my glasses, and that went OK though I don't think I'd drive any great distance or drive at night just yet.
I can't help but remember that Ed hated having anything touch his eyes, hated eye drops. While I'm sure he would have encouraged me to get the Crystalens and be confident about the surgeries, there's no way he would ever have watched the operation! I am truly grateful that he left me with the means to be able to have this done. Time to put in more eye drops now. As I raise the three different bottles of eye drops, guess I'll treat them as a toast to our 23rd anniversary.
This will probably sound silly, but I have been working hard not to cry today, though I'm not totally succeeding. Here's the reason: I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Thursday, and I don't know if crying would have any effect on how well my eye drops would be absorbed or would cause some sort of swelling that isn't good. So I'm trying to stay in control. My surgery included a re-shaping of my cornea to get rid of my astigmatism, and instead of the standard lens implant once the cataract was out of there, I got a Crystalens, which is a flexible lens that mimics the natural lens in helping me see. When everything is healed and my brain and the lens are working in sync, I shouldn't need my glasses so much--maybe even not at all. One day after surgery, I already had 20/20 vision for intermediate distance and 20/25 and 20/30 for close up and long distance. Right now my pupil is still dilated; somehow that prevents the eye muscle from trying to move the implanted lens. But about Wednesday, the pupil should be back to normal size and then I should experience even more improved vision. I'll be having cataract surgery on my right eye on August 27, having the Crystalens implant for that eye, too, though the astigmatism in my right eye is minimal so I won't have that correction done. I am looking forward to having perfect vision, or at least much much improved vision, and I'm told that will be for the rest of my life. I was fortunate not to have any pain or other effects from the surgery other than some peripheral blurriness that actually comes from the pupil being dilated. Hopefully, the surgery on my right eye will go as well. Our son-in-law Tom took me for the surgery, and he was allowed to watch it on closed-circuit TV trained on my eye, with a nurse right there explaining the procedures. He was fascinated by it all and described it as a great experience.
Because I'm not to do any strenuous work or exercise for a few days, I've had to baby myself--which means I'm getting pretty bored. I'm watching TV and reading without my glasses because now the left lens prescription is way way off, but that means my right eye gets tired, even a little sore, from not having my glasses for that eye. I did drive to church today without my glasses, and that went OK though I don't think I'd drive any great distance or drive at night just yet.
I can't help but remember that Ed hated having anything touch his eyes, hated eye drops. While I'm sure he would have encouraged me to get the Crystalens and be confident about the surgeries, there's no way he would ever have watched the operation! I am truly grateful that he left me with the means to be able to have this done. Time to put in more eye drops now. As I raise the three different bottles of eye drops, guess I'll treat them as a toast to our 23rd anniversary.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Another birthday
Tomorrow, July 3, would have been Ed's 74th birthday. I didn't expect to feel the emotional strain today. I thought it would come tomorrow. Yet here it is. It actually hit me while I was at a mall shopping this afternoon. There were a lot of couples and families shopping, and it seemed like every time I paused to look at something, I heard a man's voice commenting to his wife or daughter. In our early years together, Ed and I would go shopping a lot--from food shopping to Target runs and especially lots of Christmas shopping trips. Once he retired, he wasn't so keen on going with me; but the times I went alone to the mall, I always called him when I was on my way home, and inevitably he would have supper ready for me when I got back. Who'd have thought I'd miss so much being able to call home and say, "I'm on my way."
Melissa called today when she was on her way home from work (something she frequently does), and she asked me what I planned to do tomorrow. Bless her--I didn't have to say anything to remind her of Ed's birthday. She guessed correctly that I would be going to the cemetery. Beyond that, I don't know what I'll do. I've been digging and chopping away at tree roots for a couple of hours each day recently. I had three tree stumps ground out but before I plant grass seed in two of the places or plant a new tree in the other spot, I want to get as many of the roots out as possible. I have the two smaller spots out front done, but the back yard tree area is a much larger project. Perhaps I'll work on that again tomorrow. I figured out how to swing the axe to chop out a couple of rather large tree roots in the back yard. If Ed was watching me, I'm sure it gave him a laugh or two--or maybe it scared him to see my clumsy swings. But I did make some headway.
I can honestly say that within the last month I've recognized some changes in myself. All this time, I still felt married. That probably sounds strange, but I did. I felt married, and it wasn't right that my husband wasn't here. I don't know what happened to change that feeling or exactly when it changed, but now when I cry or feel down, it comes from a mixture of missing Ed and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so aware that I'm alone. I tell myself to quit being so self-centered, and sometimes that works for a while.
Maybe my neighbor Sherry's circumstance had an effect. Sherry lost her husband Butch to pancreatic cancer a month after Ed died. Sherry and Butch were high school sweethearts who married young and were married for over 40 years. Sherry is 11 months older than I am so she's already 60, but you'd never know it by looking at her because she is very petite and stylish and just doesn't look her age. She told me a short time ago that she was dating our across-the-street neighbor who is divorced. When two of my Hearts friends found new partners within a year of their husbands' deaths, I was a little surprised but pleased for them. But Sherry's news shocked me. She had talked with me now and again about being asked out by businessmen or pilots she met at work (she's a flight attendant), but she always declined. She always said she just wasn't ready. So to hear she was dating our neighbor really stunned me. (Guess I wasn't very observant around the neighborhood!) Then she decided she only wanted to be Mike's neighbor and friend, and she turned to eHarmony. Lo and behold, for the last month she has been dating someone she met on eHarmony, and his SUV is once again in her driveway for the weekend even as I write this. So maybe her moving on with her life is a jolt for me.
I always struggle with how to end these posts in the blog. The English teacher in me wants to turn them into essays with proper introductions and conclusions. How's this for a closing: Tomorrow is Ed's birthday. I wish he were here with me to celebrate; but he's not, so I hope he is OK and happy.
Melissa called today when she was on her way home from work (something she frequently does), and she asked me what I planned to do tomorrow. Bless her--I didn't have to say anything to remind her of Ed's birthday. She guessed correctly that I would be going to the cemetery. Beyond that, I don't know what I'll do. I've been digging and chopping away at tree roots for a couple of hours each day recently. I had three tree stumps ground out but before I plant grass seed in two of the places or plant a new tree in the other spot, I want to get as many of the roots out as possible. I have the two smaller spots out front done, but the back yard tree area is a much larger project. Perhaps I'll work on that again tomorrow. I figured out how to swing the axe to chop out a couple of rather large tree roots in the back yard. If Ed was watching me, I'm sure it gave him a laugh or two--or maybe it scared him to see my clumsy swings. But I did make some headway.
I can honestly say that within the last month I've recognized some changes in myself. All this time, I still felt married. That probably sounds strange, but I did. I felt married, and it wasn't right that my husband wasn't here. I don't know what happened to change that feeling or exactly when it changed, but now when I cry or feel down, it comes from a mixture of missing Ed and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so aware that I'm alone. I tell myself to quit being so self-centered, and sometimes that works for a while.
Maybe my neighbor Sherry's circumstance had an effect. Sherry lost her husband Butch to pancreatic cancer a month after Ed died. Sherry and Butch were high school sweethearts who married young and were married for over 40 years. Sherry is 11 months older than I am so she's already 60, but you'd never know it by looking at her because she is very petite and stylish and just doesn't look her age. She told me a short time ago that she was dating our across-the-street neighbor who is divorced. When two of my Hearts friends found new partners within a year of their husbands' deaths, I was a little surprised but pleased for them. But Sherry's news shocked me. She had talked with me now and again about being asked out by businessmen or pilots she met at work (she's a flight attendant), but she always declined. She always said she just wasn't ready. So to hear she was dating our neighbor really stunned me. (Guess I wasn't very observant around the neighborhood!) Then she decided she only wanted to be Mike's neighbor and friend, and she turned to eHarmony. Lo and behold, for the last month she has been dating someone she met on eHarmony, and his SUV is once again in her driveway for the weekend even as I write this. So maybe her moving on with her life is a jolt for me.
I always struggle with how to end these posts in the blog. The English teacher in me wants to turn them into essays with proper introductions and conclusions. How's this for a closing: Tomorrow is Ed's birthday. I wish he were here with me to celebrate; but he's not, so I hope he is OK and happy.
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