The new addition will soon be here

Tomorrow is the day Melissa will be induced. Perhaps before day's end tomorrow there will be a new life in this world--and doesn't she and all of us hope this won't be two days of labor! This is supposed to be a time of excitement and anticipation, and to some degree for me, it is. But it is an unusual mix of other emotions for me as well. Mark used the phrase "lack of spontaneity" tonight when I was trying to express how different this experience seemed. There's no surprise element of going into labor, though the big surprise will be to find out the sex of this child. I suppose the list-making Ed was always doing and the organizing gene I seem to have passed on to Melissa would say that it's appropriate to have the birth planned like this, right down to the list of who is going to call whom with the news. My excitement is tempered, however. I'm worried about Melissa and the baby, how she will bear up especially if it's a long labor, how the doctors will keep her blood sugar under control during labor and afterwards, whether there will be any ill effects on the baby from having a diabetic mother, how easily and quickly she and the baby will recover. Melissa has taken such good care of herself throughout her pregnancy and has had good medical care, so I shouldn't worry so much, but I have been and am still worrying. Then I think so much about Ed not being here to share this experience with me. Sure, he had many grandchildren, most of them born after we met. So I know his elation at each one's birth. But I think the birth of this baby would have been different for us. Perhaps that is self-centered thinking, but we talked so much about this baby in the first few months of this year, not just with each other but with Melissa, and that didn't happen while we awaited the births of his grandchildren. Back in the spring, I prayed so hard that medical intervention would stem Ed's cancer long enough for him to feel good and be able to be here in Iowa for this birth and to get to know this baby. I feel like we were cheated out of this happiness, and I'm sometimes angry about that as well as so sad about it. I'm sure this mix of emotions will still be within me as this child is born, but I hope the joy will take over so I can share in Melissa and Mark's happiness.