Memorial Services

November has brought about two memorial services and another will come in December. On November 2, All Souls Day, a special evening Mass was said at our church to remember church members who died in the past year. There were 13 names written in calligraphy in a special book displayed before the altar and, of course, Ed's name was included. I anticipated this would be one time that I wouldn't feel embarrassed to cry in church--at Sunday Mass I never know what might set me off. I shed tears, especially during the Prayer of the Faithful when each name was solemnly read, but not nearly as much as I thought I would. As so often happens, "Giesman" was mispronounced; the pastor Father Eilerman said Mass, not Father Brosmer who knew us well, so I wasn't surprised. Nevertheless, I appreciated being invited to attend this Mass. Afterwards there was a dessert and drinks reception. I sat at a table with a retired couple who came just because they have been parishioners for a very long time and know practically everybody. As we chatted, I learned that their son was a financial planner, and I let them know I was looking for such a resource. She immediately called her son and gave him my name and number so that was nice, and I will contact him to see if he's someone I'm interested in working with. However, even as she introduced me to other people at the reception, the woman kept emphasizing that I was all alone. I actually went into this Mass in a pretty good frame of mind thanks to having a very pleasant dinner beforehand with Ed's cousin Fred and Sandy Runk. So while it was nice to meet some people that evening, I could have done without that "alone" label stuck to me.

This afternoon, I attended a memorial service sponsored by the Hospice that helped take care of Ed. Joining me were David, Debbie, and Becky. It was a simple service with soft music, brief but meaningful readings, and a focus on reading the names of the deceased and presenting a carnation to a family member (in our case, to me). Only those represented by family had their names read, but the program had the names of all the people Hospice helped who died in June through September. The length of that list was overwhelming. This was another service where I thought I might go to pieces, but I stayed calm and shed only a tear or two. I was glad to discover that the woman who assists at my support group was assigned to read Ed's name--I knew she would pronounce Giesman correctly, and for good measure, she showed me that someone had typed the phonetic spelling on her notes to make sure the name was pronounced correctly. I also spoke with several people from the support group before the service began, and it felt good to go somewhere in Columbus and actually know some people, even if it was our sad circumstances that got us acquainted.

Before I left for my latest Iowa trip (more on that in a bit), I got an invitation from Sunset Cemetery to attend a memorial service December 10 at their chapel. I will go to that one, too. As a remembrance, the cemetery will provide an ornament that says "In remembrance of Ed Giesman." I might have passed up going to this service because I get too keyed up anticipating these events, but Ed and I always bought Christmas ornaments as mementos of every place we visited and so I'm drawn to the idea of having this ornament.

I flew to Iowa Saturday, November 3, for a quick visit, flew back November 7. Melissa's workmates held a shower for her and Will on Sunday, and on Monday we three went shopping. Will is now 12 pounds, responding with smiles, and looking a little more like Melissa did as a baby around the eyes, I think. I enjoyed a little time out with Mark's parents after church on Sunday, too, so my few days there were busy. Next trip--December 24.

I'm still deciding what to do about Thanksgiving. My sister has invited me as has Debbie. I'm currently doing the rounds of doctors for my 6-month follow-ups of my own health issues. I'm back to work on the November SAT essays until the 20th (unless they get finished early). I'm ignoring my paperwork stacks on the kitchen counter because of these other things going on, so I feel a little guilty about that. I'm very concerned about Ed's brother Bob's deteriorating health. Part of me just wants to stay home alone on Thanksgiving and not think about or do anything. I had hoped that the "Dealing with the Holidays" workshop we did Wednesday evening at the support group session would give me some insight, but the only thing I got out of the session was to recognize the conflict created by the emotions and reactions that grief causes versus the expected holiday-time emotions and attitudes. So much of the counseling stresses doing what you think is best for yourself when making any decision, but I don't see how I can ignore other people's feelings about or reactions to the decisions I make. How to handle the holidays is just one dilemma out of a long list.