Coming up on 2 years

It has been so long since I've written in this blog that I forgot my password! When I last wrote, I was so aware of the two-year anniversary of finding out about Ed's cancer, and since then that awareness has continued every day. When June 16 arrives, it will be a work-on-SAT-essays day for me. I'm hoping that will make the day less emotional because I'll have to be occupied and focused.

Since I last wrote, I've had a trip to Iowa in early April; I worked on a batch of SAT essays for 12 days; Melissa, Mark, and Will were here for Memorial Day weekend; many of the Giesman clan came to visit that Sunday; I spent a day in Cincinnati to attend a funeral and visit family; and last weekend I was in Lancaster, PA, for a family event. Having visitors here for a few days and for the Giesman gathering on Sunday was so good for my spirits. Unfortunately, that lift was followed by finding out that Ed's Aunt Jinny Runk had died. After her funeral, one of Ed's cousins hosted everyone at his house, so I had a chance to catch up a little bit with several of Ed's cousins. They are so warm towards me that it does my heart good. Afterwards, I spent time with my sister-in-law, Maryellen, and most of her family at "Ed's favorite niece" Pat's house. I don't get to see my own relatives much; in fact, because we lived in Iowa and Illinois for so many years, I often missed out on family gatherings back in PA. It was a seven-hour drive to Lancaster, but it was well worth it to re-connect with family on my mother's side. The occasion was a celebration of the 60th wedding anniversary of Aunt Kim (my Mom's sister) and Uncle Jack.

I did have a "gasp" moment when I got to my hotel. My last trip to Lancaster was actually one Ed and I made to attend the funeral of my Aunt Lou in January 2007. When I got inside my hotel room, I realized that I was one floor above the room Ed and I stayed in back then. No one--and certainly not either of us--looking at Ed back then would ever have guessed that he'd be diagnosed with cancer and gone in a few short months.

I had lunch recently with one of my "Hearts" friends, Ruth Ann, who had her two-year anniversary over Memorial Day weekend. She made the point that after this amount of time, people assume you are OK; and some people are. But she and I seem to be moving at the same pace, able to put on a good face but still badly grieving deep down. My staying in a hotel room last weekend instead of with a relative was a sort of test to see how I'd handle being alone on a trip. The actual traveling, whether driving or flying, doesn't bother me though I'm constantly asking Ed to be with me and keep me safe. But that hotel room was another story. It seems 3 a.m. hits just as hard as it does when I'm in my own home, maybe even a little more intense. Or maybe the emotions were so high because these are the days leading up to the two-year anniversary. Or maybe there was also a little fear of how I'd handle people asking me how I'm doing. As it turned out, only one person specifically raised the issue of how I'm handling being alone, and I was able to answer without breaking down.

If you'd like to see some photos of the happy time when Melissa, Mark, and Will were here visiting, check out my Facebook page. Being on Facebook has given me a chance to see photos of family and friends I don't get to see much, and it has put me back in touch with friends from long ago. Facebook is probably the reason I don't feel the need to write in the blog so much. Still, I am comfortable writing things in this blog that I wouldn't say on Facebook, like how much I miss and long for my husband every day.