Our 22nd Anniversary August 9

I've been telling myself all week that I would write in the blog on our anniversary, but not being able to get back to sleep since I awoke at 4 a.m. has me at the keyboard trying to comfort myself. Ed and I would be celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary tomorrow. We knew each other for 5 years before we got married. He always told me that he knew very early on that we belonged together, but because of our age difference, he wanted me to be absolutely sure. When we had those talks, neither one of us ever thought he would be gone so soon. His parents lived to age 79. His dad had had a heart attack in middle age and his mom had heart problems as well, so we thought their circumstances were a predictor and that's why Ed saw a cardiologist every year. I suppose some would say that 20 years of married life (almost 21 years, just short of that by 2 months) is a long time, but I can't stop thinking that we weren't done yet. We still had so many plans, so many things he wanted us to do together.

Despite learning in my support group that significant days can bring back the intense grief, I didn't prepare myself for it to happen. I had a diversion last week, going to Melissa and Mark's from Wednesday to Sunday. I painted their kitchen, foyer, and hallway; we rode through the flood-devastated areas that are still a long way from recovering; we shopped; I enjoyed Will, of course. Even getting back home I found diversions by going to a downsizing workshop with a few friends, going to the weekly supper gathering, and helping a friend unpack at her new place. But each night for probably the last two weeks--even at Melissa's--I have awakened feeling just so sad and alone. Then I can't get back to sleep, which means I'm tired during the day and fall asleep in the afternoon, which then makes it difficult to get to sleep at bedtime. It's a vicious cycle. My friends have joked that we should set up some instant messaging alert so that when we are prowling the house at 3 a.m., we can signal that we're up and needing to talk. So I know I'm not the only one going through this.

I'm sure I'll get through tomorrow--and even get through today--because I have to and because I've gotten through every other down day. I also recognize that I mainly write in this blog when I'm feeling really down. So I should say that I do smile and laugh with my friends and enjoy my visits with family; I even laugh out loud at funny things on TV. Right now, thinking about our anniversary and missing Ed so much that it hurts just isn't one of those times when I can smile.