How can it have been a whole year since Ed's death? There have been so many times that it seems like he's just away on yet another business trip and will be coming home soon. Then reality kicks in, and my heart hurts.
My friends who already had their first anniversaries told me that the days leading up to the date were worse than the anniversary date itself. That proved true for me, too. Try as I may to focus on good memories, Ed's last weeks kept taking over my thoughts. My worst day was Saturday rather than yesterday. Perhaps that was because Ed died on Saturday, June 16 last year, the day before Father's Day. One comfort I did have on Saturday was that Melissa had asked me several weeks ago to place three red roses at his grave for Father's Day, one each from her, Mark, and Will. The florist was apologetic that she was out of baby's breath to put with them and supplied some purple-flowered stems, whose name I can't recall, instead of baby's breath along with some greenery. Little did she know how appropriate I thought the purple was--a remembrance of Norwalk city and school colors and of Melissa and Mark's wedding accent color. Then yesterday afternoon I added a rose from our rose bush to the arrangement.
Also on Saturday, I went to 5:00 Mass because Sherry had arranged for it to be in remembrance of her father; that was her Father's Day gift to Ed. Back when she did this, we both asked the woman at church who handles the Mass intentions to somehow assure that "Giesman" would be pronounced correctly. When I saw that the lector who would read the Prayer of the Faithful was a high school boy, I figured he would mispronounce it. But he said it perfectly--and that got to me instantly. It's difficult to camouflage tears streaming down your face when you're out in public, and it took me several minutes to compose myself. I was on the verge of a hard cry the entire rest of the Mass and barely made it into the car before I let it come.
A major distraction since Thursday of last week was the historic flooding in Cedar Rapids. Although their home in Fairfax, a few miles outside of Cedar Rapids, was fine and they never lost electricity or water or phone service, Melissa and Mark's work was affected because of the extreme street flooding which severely inhibited getting around and actual flooding in buildings. Melissa's work, Tanager Place Clinic, was shut down, and Mark's job in Marketing at Mercy Hospital turned into a very different role for him as part of the Emergency Management Team, especially since the hospital was evacuated. Melissa called me numerous times with updates or asking for advice on how to prepare for possible loss of power. I watched The Weather Channel a lot because they had extensive coverage of the situation. There were frequent comparisons in the news to the flooding in 1993; this flooding, however, is much worse. In 1993, we were living in Norwalk, IA, but the flooding in July then wiped out the water plant in Des Moines which provided our water, so we spent two weeks without running water. Ed missed out on some of this because he was in California on business.
My other distraction is that I'm working on SAT essays from the June test administration. I am having difficulty focusing at times, and I'm sure a computer somewhere at Pearson is tracking the fact that sometimes I've spent only 10 minutes working before taking yet another break. Yesterday I did put in a few hours total, but at midday my neighbors, Sherry Statczar and Ann Morgan, insisted on taking me to lunch--although with the largest and most comfortable car among us, I did the driving. When Sherry suggested this, I really did not want to go because I thought I just wanted to be alone for the day. But I know she wanted to do something nice for me and I didn't want to offend her, so I went. It was a pleasant time and the food was tasty, so I guess it was good "lunch therapy."
I had several e-mails in recent days and especially on Monday from Melissa, daughter Becky, niece Pat, several of my cousins, and from my support group friends, all letting me know how much they care about me. I also had a call from my sister, Marie, and one from daughter Sherry last evening. I really appreciate them all. As Ed would often say, even when we understood his diagnosis, "It is what it is." So the first anniversary is over, and my heart still hurts, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other to go on.
I have been writing this entry since 5:00 am when I woke up. I didn't think it would be so hard to compose it. Here's hoping I do a better job of focusing on those SAT essays today.
