Another birthday

Tomorrow, July 3, would have been Ed's 74th birthday. I didn't expect to feel the emotional strain today. I thought it would come tomorrow. Yet here it is. It actually hit me while I was at a mall shopping this afternoon. There were a lot of couples and families shopping, and it seemed like every time I paused to look at something, I heard a man's voice commenting to his wife or daughter. In our early years together, Ed and I would go shopping a lot--from food shopping to Target runs and especially lots of Christmas shopping trips. Once he retired, he wasn't so keen on going with me; but the times I went alone to the mall, I always called him when I was on my way home, and inevitably he would have supper ready for me when I got back. Who'd have thought I'd miss so much being able to call home and say, "I'm on my way."

Melissa called today when she was on her way home from work (something she frequently does), and she asked me what I planned to do tomorrow. Bless her--I didn't have to say anything to remind her of Ed's birthday. She guessed correctly that I would be going to the cemetery. Beyond that, I don't know what I'll do. I've been digging and chopping away at tree roots for a couple of hours each day recently. I had three tree stumps ground out but before I plant grass seed in two of the places or plant a new tree in the other spot, I want to get as many of the roots out as possible. I have the two smaller spots out front done, but the back yard tree area is a much larger project. Perhaps I'll work on that again tomorrow. I figured out how to swing the axe to chop out a couple of rather large tree roots in the back yard. If Ed was watching me, I'm sure it gave him a laugh or two--or maybe it scared him to see my clumsy swings. But I did make some headway.

I can honestly say that within the last month I've recognized some changes in myself. All this time, I still felt married. That probably sounds strange, but I did. I felt married, and it wasn't right that my husband wasn't here. I don't know what happened to change that feeling or exactly when it changed, but now when I cry or feel down, it comes from a mixture of missing Ed and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so aware that I'm alone. I tell myself to quit being so self-centered, and sometimes that works for a while.

Maybe my neighbor Sherry's circumstance had an effect. Sherry lost her husband Butch to pancreatic cancer a month after Ed died. Sherry and Butch were high school sweethearts who married young and were married for over 40 years. Sherry is 11 months older than I am so she's already 60, but you'd never know it by looking at her because she is very petite and stylish and just doesn't look her age. She told me a short time ago that she was dating our across-the-street neighbor who is divorced. When two of my Hearts friends found new partners within a year of their husbands' deaths, I was a little surprised but pleased for them. But Sherry's news shocked me. She had talked with me now and again about being asked out by businessmen or pilots she met at work (she's a flight attendant), but she always declined. She always said she just wasn't ready. So to hear she was dating our neighbor really stunned me. (Guess I wasn't very observant around the neighborhood!) Then she decided she only wanted to be Mike's neighbor and friend, and she turned to eHarmony. Lo and behold, for the last month she has been dating someone she met on eHarmony, and his SUV is once again in her driveway for the weekend even as I write this. So maybe her moving on with her life is a jolt for me.

I always struggle with how to end these posts in the blog. The English teacher in me wants to turn them into essays with proper introductions and conclusions. How's this for a closing: Tomorrow is Ed's birthday. I wish he were here with me to celebrate; but he's not, so I hope he is OK and happy.