It has been a while since I've written in this blog though I've thought of doing it several times in the past month. I made two trips during November, one flying to Iowa (Thursday to Tuesday, Nov. 13-18) and one driving to Virginia for Thanksgiving (Wednesday to Sunday, Nov. 26-30). Melissa asked me to come take care of Will while she moved her office from one building to another on Friday, a day she normally does not work. We also did some Christmas shopping, and I cooked a lot as usual when I'm there--the perfect opportunity to teach Will a new word, "hot," which he initially pronounced as "hock." So cute! I spent Thanksgiving with my mother and sister and her family. I guess this has become the routine for Thanksgiving since I went last year as well, and Ed and I went the two years previous to that. Melissa and Mark were there, too, in 2006. That year, on the day after Thanksgiving I took a picture of Ed doing the dishes at my mother's sink and Mark with drying towel in hand. Ed had that big smile of his on his face. That's the Thanksgiving memory that most sticks in my mind.
November 25 was the first anniversary of the death of Ed's brother, Bob. The days leading up to it and the actual date were emotional for me. The memory of how I heard that news kept replaying in my head. It was Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I had just finished filling the gas tank in Springfield, VA, ready to start my drive back after my Thanksgiving visit to my Mom's and Marie's. My cell phone rang; it was Sherry calling to tell me Bob was in his final hours. I had so wanted to see him one last time before Thanksgiving, but he did not want me to come. His daughter Pat told me later that he did not want me to see him looking, as she put it, like a Nazi death camp survivor. Still, I remember sitting at that gas station, crying, thinking I would drive straight to Cincinnati instead of home. But then I thought I should honor Bob's wishes and stay away. He died the next night.
I know the holidays are supposed to be a joyful time, but this year again I am having difficulty dealing with all the merry goings-on. Today I am going to put up minimal outside decorations for Christmas--the PEACE sign we always displayed, some red bows on the lantern lights, a wreath on the door, just like last year. I'll put single candles in the windows. This is all so understated compared with how Ed and I used to decorate for Christmas, but I just don't have the motivation to do more than some simple decorations indoors and out. My sister tried to talk me into putting up the tree this year. I think if I knew someone would be visiting me during the holidays, I would be motivated to put it up. But to the best of my knowledge, I'll not have any visitors again this year. Instead I'll be the visitor, flying to Iowa on Christmas Day and returning New Year's Eve, then gathering at Becky's with the Giesman clan on Jan. 3. I wanted to host the gathering this year, but Becky thinks it would be better not to have it here because it's still too hard for some of the family to be in this house. I know for a few of them it's actually a comfort to come here, but I don't want to risk someone not attending. It was too important to Ed to have his family together especially around the holidays.
This Saturday, Dec. 6, Ed's grandson Robby is getting married. It sounds like he and Colleen are having a traditional wedding, and I've heard hints that Ohio State colors will be part of the mix with Colleen's bridal gown featuring some dashes of red and with silver being an accent color for the bridal party, pretty close to scarlet and gray. As far as I know, almost all the family is planning to be at the wedding and reception. Melissa, Mark, and Will are not coming nor is Jeremy (from St. Louis); beyond that I'll know when I get there. This will make two granddaughters-in-law added to the family this year since Josh and Honesty were married in June.
I had a nice pat on the back from Pearson. After a few days of scoring the November SAT essays, I was re-assigned to what they call "resolution scoring." That means I was the person to decide what the score was to be for any essays where the two original scorers had given overall scores more than one point apart (on a scale of 1 to 6). I didn't even know this function existed outside of Pearson headquarters until I was re-assigned. The scores given are never revealed, but I found it interesting to read these essays and wonder what scores the two original scorers had determined, especially when the "right" score seemed so obvious to me. Guess I have maintained my position as one of Pearson's top scorers. I'll be working on essays again Dec. 11 to 21.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Will's first birthday
I made a driving trip to Iowa for Will's first birthday. I left on Wednesday, Sept. 24, and returned on Tuesday, Sept. 30. The driving went smoothly and I didn't mind the 9 hours in the car, taking only 2 rest breaks and a brief meal break going both directions. That XM satellite radio makes a good companion on the long drive.
Will's big party was on Saturday, Sept. 27. Since I had spent Thursday and Friday cleaning and helping Melissa get things ready for the party which wouldn't start until 4 pm, I had Saturday morning free. I started the day by going to Iowa City to see Janet and Dave Hixenbaugh, our across-the-street neighbors and good friends from Lakewood/Norwalk, along with Dave's brother Greg, who were tailgating before the U of I football game. Because it was Iowa's homecoming, I anticipated driving there in heavy traffic, having to search for parking, and having to walk miles to their tailgate spot. But none of that turned out to be true. My timing must have been just right because I got to Iowa City in 20 minutes, which would be normal time, and drove straight onto campus and into a parking space just a couple of blocks from their tailgate site.
It was so good to see old friends and get caught up on the news and other friends from Norwalk, though I missed seeing Tom and Paula Greteman there--they would normally be at the game but gave their tickets to their daughter Kelli and her husband. So hugs with Kelli had to substitute. When Ed and I talked about where to live once he retired, I always wanted to go back to Iowa, back to the friends that were like family to us. He appreciated that idea but had a stronger pull. Obviously, when it actually came time to make the decision, real family and Ohio won out. But the question was inevitable and it came from Dave: Are you going to sell your house and move back to Iowa? You have no idea how often I ponder that question. With the way the housing market and the economy are, it's just a bad time to be trying to sell a house. But what holds me here even more is that I feel like I would be leaving Ed if I left here, the last place we were together, and I can't bring myself to do that. So I have a rational answer to that question and an emotional one that some people may find silly, but that's the way it is.
Once Jan and Dave headed into the football stadium, I headed to the Coral Ridge Mall thinking I might find a Maid-Rite in the food court there. The famous Maid-Rite "loose meat" sandwich is another craving I've had, especially once I satisfied my craving for a good pork tenderloin for lunch on Thursday. However, there was no Maid-Rite, so I had a quick bite then headed back to Melissa and Mark's.
Some family and close friends had already arrived, so Will's party actually got an early start. At 4 pm, it was in full swing with 30+ people there. Melissa said if everybody had come who was invited, there would have been 42 people total. Since many of their circle of friends have kids, they celebrate the kids' birthdays as another reason to get together. It was a beautiful, mild, sunny day, so the kids could play outside--and that includes the "big kids" who played a bean-bag-toss game. Mark handled the grilling, Melissa played hostess, and I alternated between monitoring kids outside and monitoring the food spread in the kitchen. Will received lots of toys as gifts, which Melissa predicted would happen.
At cake time, M & M stripped Will to his diaper, sat him in his high chair, and let him go at his piece of birthday cake with both hands. It didn't take long for him to be covered in frosting. Unfortunately, once he swallowed his first bite of cake, he began to break out in hives. The previous weekend, Melissa gave him homemade waffles, made with eggs, of course, and he handled them just fine, so she and Mark thought the doctor's prediction that Will would outgrow his egg allergy by age 1 came true. She found a cake mix with no milk in it but that did require eggs, and that's what she had me bake. At the first sign of the hives, they gave Will Benadryl and it worked within minutes. It's amazing to see how quickly the hives cover his body and how quickly the medicine reverses that. After a quick clean-up in the tub, Will was into his PJs and back in party mode. People left around 8 pm--had to get their own kids to bed.
On Sunday, Will's actual birthday, Mark's parents Jim and Marna, his brother and sister Matt and Michelle, Melissa's Dad Jim and Peggy, M & M & Will and I met for lunch at Panera. Afterwards, we went to see Jim and Marna's new house which is being built in a new neighborhood not far from M & M's. Then we went back and Will opened his presents from all of us. I got him a snugglepuff, which is a snuggly, soft Penn State football attached to a security blanket embroidered with "Penn State University" at the hemline--he had to get something Penn State! Another gift was a bright red sippy cup with his name on it in bold letter shapes and bright colors, along with a shirt that has a sheriff's star on it and reads "I'm in charge." I also got him a hardwood puzzle that teaches shapes and colors; each piece has an easy-to-grasp handle which he took to immediately, even though at one point he tried to use the grip as a pacifier. I added money to his college fund, too. He received many other nice gifts from everyone.
Will was just delightful the entire time I was there. Melissa had been showing him my picture days ahead and telling him that Grammy was coming, and within seconds of seeing me on Wednesday, he was reaching for me. So all in all it was a pleasant time. Having my own car to drive gave me freedom to do things on my own and I took advantage of that. On one of my trips to pick up party things, I saw a little of the area of Cedar Rapids that was flooded. I could tell that some progress had been made in the clean-up--in fact, the Courthouse downtown was finally re-opened on Monday--but there is still so much destruction to see.
Starting on Thursday of this week I will be back to working on SAT essays. Beyond that I have nothing planned though Melissa wants me to fly to Iowa on Christmas Day for my Christmas visit. Ed's grandson Rob will be getting married Dec. 6. On Sept. 20 I attended the celebration of the marriage of grandson Josh and his wife Honesty (they eloped June 26). Daughter Sherry in St. Louis (Josh's mother) had hip replacement surgery Sept. 22 and seems to have come through that fine though she has weeks of recovery time. Instigated by Cheryl, my friend from the Hearts group (Hearts being the friends from the support group I attended), I've been going to wine-tastings pretty much every Friday evening, expanding my horizons beyond my favorite beers and whatever-wine-is-on-sale. This is in addition to our regular Hearts gathering for supper together every Wednesday. As I told Jan and Dave, I'm very grateful to have my Hearts group of friends, but I so miss everybody from our circle of friends back in Iowa and I very much miss the neighborhood closeness we had in Lakewood.
Will's big party was on Saturday, Sept. 27. Since I had spent Thursday and Friday cleaning and helping Melissa get things ready for the party which wouldn't start until 4 pm, I had Saturday morning free. I started the day by going to Iowa City to see Janet and Dave Hixenbaugh, our across-the-street neighbors and good friends from Lakewood/Norwalk, along with Dave's brother Greg, who were tailgating before the U of I football game. Because it was Iowa's homecoming, I anticipated driving there in heavy traffic, having to search for parking, and having to walk miles to their tailgate spot. But none of that turned out to be true. My timing must have been just right because I got to Iowa City in 20 minutes, which would be normal time, and drove straight onto campus and into a parking space just a couple of blocks from their tailgate site.
It was so good to see old friends and get caught up on the news and other friends from Norwalk, though I missed seeing Tom and Paula Greteman there--they would normally be at the game but gave their tickets to their daughter Kelli and her husband. So hugs with Kelli had to substitute. When Ed and I talked about where to live once he retired, I always wanted to go back to Iowa, back to the friends that were like family to us. He appreciated that idea but had a stronger pull. Obviously, when it actually came time to make the decision, real family and Ohio won out. But the question was inevitable and it came from Dave: Are you going to sell your house and move back to Iowa? You have no idea how often I ponder that question. With the way the housing market and the economy are, it's just a bad time to be trying to sell a house. But what holds me here even more is that I feel like I would be leaving Ed if I left here, the last place we were together, and I can't bring myself to do that. So I have a rational answer to that question and an emotional one that some people may find silly, but that's the way it is.
Once Jan and Dave headed into the football stadium, I headed to the Coral Ridge Mall thinking I might find a Maid-Rite in the food court there. The famous Maid-Rite "loose meat" sandwich is another craving I've had, especially once I satisfied my craving for a good pork tenderloin for lunch on Thursday. However, there was no Maid-Rite, so I had a quick bite then headed back to Melissa and Mark's.
Some family and close friends had already arrived, so Will's party actually got an early start. At 4 pm, it was in full swing with 30+ people there. Melissa said if everybody had come who was invited, there would have been 42 people total. Since many of their circle of friends have kids, they celebrate the kids' birthdays as another reason to get together. It was a beautiful, mild, sunny day, so the kids could play outside--and that includes the "big kids" who played a bean-bag-toss game. Mark handled the grilling, Melissa played hostess, and I alternated between monitoring kids outside and monitoring the food spread in the kitchen. Will received lots of toys as gifts, which Melissa predicted would happen.
At cake time, M & M stripped Will to his diaper, sat him in his high chair, and let him go at his piece of birthday cake with both hands. It didn't take long for him to be covered in frosting. Unfortunately, once he swallowed his first bite of cake, he began to break out in hives. The previous weekend, Melissa gave him homemade waffles, made with eggs, of course, and he handled them just fine, so she and Mark thought the doctor's prediction that Will would outgrow his egg allergy by age 1 came true. She found a cake mix with no milk in it but that did require eggs, and that's what she had me bake. At the first sign of the hives, they gave Will Benadryl and it worked within minutes. It's amazing to see how quickly the hives cover his body and how quickly the medicine reverses that. After a quick clean-up in the tub, Will was into his PJs and back in party mode. People left around 8 pm--had to get their own kids to bed.
On Sunday, Will's actual birthday, Mark's parents Jim and Marna, his brother and sister Matt and Michelle, Melissa's Dad Jim and Peggy, M & M & Will and I met for lunch at Panera. Afterwards, we went to see Jim and Marna's new house which is being built in a new neighborhood not far from M & M's. Then we went back and Will opened his presents from all of us. I got him a snugglepuff, which is a snuggly, soft Penn State football attached to a security blanket embroidered with "Penn State University" at the hemline--he had to get something Penn State! Another gift was a bright red sippy cup with his name on it in bold letter shapes and bright colors, along with a shirt that has a sheriff's star on it and reads "I'm in charge." I also got him a hardwood puzzle that teaches shapes and colors; each piece has an easy-to-grasp handle which he took to immediately, even though at one point he tried to use the grip as a pacifier. I added money to his college fund, too. He received many other nice gifts from everyone.
Will was just delightful the entire time I was there. Melissa had been showing him my picture days ahead and telling him that Grammy was coming, and within seconds of seeing me on Wednesday, he was reaching for me. So all in all it was a pleasant time. Having my own car to drive gave me freedom to do things on my own and I took advantage of that. On one of my trips to pick up party things, I saw a little of the area of Cedar Rapids that was flooded. I could tell that some progress had been made in the clean-up--in fact, the Courthouse downtown was finally re-opened on Monday--but there is still so much destruction to see.
Starting on Thursday of this week I will be back to working on SAT essays. Beyond that I have nothing planned though Melissa wants me to fly to Iowa on Christmas Day for my Christmas visit. Ed's grandson Rob will be getting married Dec. 6. On Sept. 20 I attended the celebration of the marriage of grandson Josh and his wife Honesty (they eloped June 26). Daughter Sherry in St. Louis (Josh's mother) had hip replacement surgery Sept. 22 and seems to have come through that fine though she has weeks of recovery time. Instigated by Cheryl, my friend from the Hearts group (Hearts being the friends from the support group I attended), I've been going to wine-tastings pretty much every Friday evening, expanding my horizons beyond my favorite beers and whatever-wine-is-on-sale. This is in addition to our regular Hearts gathering for supper together every Wednesday. As I told Jan and Dave, I'm very grateful to have my Hearts group of friends, but I so miss everybody from our circle of friends back in Iowa and I very much miss the neighborhood closeness we had in Lakewood.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The remains of Hurricane Ike
The Governor of Ohio declared a state of emergency for the entire state on Sunday, Sept. 14. Two million people in Ohio were without power, and I was one of them. Today, Tuesday, Sept. 16, the number without power is under 500,000. Predictions are that it could take until Sunday for all power to be restored. Schools were closed yesterday and again today, either because the buildings don't have power or because roadways are still littered with tree limbs and downed power lines.
On Sunday starting around noon, winds that came from a mix of what used to be Hurricane Ike and the jet stream caused high wind warnings to be issued for Ohio. From noon until about 7:30 pm, there were steady winds of 30 to 40 mph, gusts of 75 mph, and then steady very high winds. By 3 pm, I lost power as well as a large limb from a beautiful 20-foot tall Bradford pear tree in my back yard. By 3:15, a bunch of my neighbors, who all heard the crack, were gathered in my back yard trying to help me figure out what to do about the tree. My back yard neighbor Todd, who helped me before when a small tree went down, got his chain saw and was starting to cut away the broken limb so that the wind wasn't pushing it against the main trunk when, suddenly, another third of the tree cracked and fell. Luckily, it fell away from where Todd was standing. He looked at me and we both said, "This tree has to go." He cut through the main trunk so that the rest of the tree fell into the yard away from the house and away from the power lines and phone lines at the back of the property. Then we started hearing more and more cracks in the area. I have the privilege of being the first in my neighborhood to have lost a tree on Sunday, but many more came down in the next hours.
On Monday, Todd and his friends showed up with a rented wood chipper and a truck from one of their businesses and more chain saws. First they took care of all his downed limbs and two gorgeous very tall pine trees that came down in his yard; then they cleared away all my limbs. And then they went off to help other people they knew. A "thank you" and "God bless you" (and chipping in--no pun intended--on the cost of the rented equipment) just isn't enough to show my gratitude.
While we were dragging my tree limbs to Todd's yard where the chipper was sitting, my neighbor Ann Morgan came out onto her deck and yelled "It's on!" It was 11:20 am. Having heard reports that it could take up to a week to restore all power, we were grateful to be among the first to get it back. All my frozen food was still frozen solid, and the refrigerator food still felt cool, so I fared well in that area. However, we had a little scare about 11:30 when we started smelling something burning outside. A small branch in one of the large trees bordering Todd's and Morgans' property line was smoking. The nearby power line must have ignited it when the surge went through as the power came on. Bill Morgan called the fire department, who said they didn't know when they could get here to check it out, so we were to just keep an eye on it and call 9-1-1 if flames appeared. One of the guys predicted that once it burned through, the branch would fall and all would be OK, and that's exactly what happened. Two fire department personnel did show up about 4 pm, and they asked me to keep an eye on it even though it appeared all was fine. I haven't smelled or seen any further problem.
I had been trying to call Debbie and Tom both Sunday and Monday to see if they had power and finally reached Tom at work Monday morning. After I got power back, we made arrangements for Debbie to bring their freezer food over. They are not among the lucky to get power back early. David called me Sunday night to check on me and confirm that he did not have power. Becky called me Monday morning to check on me; her power was restored at about 4:30 am Monday. I don't know the status of Judi or Eddie.
A lesson from this: If you have a land line, keep at least one corded phone available. As long as there is phone service, a corded phone will work but the cordless ones don't. I'm glad that I still have a separate land line and not service that is bundled in with my cable and internet (which I have been thinking about doing), and that I had 2 corded phones sitting in the basement. Although my WOWWAY cable service apparently was OK, Time Warner cable service was lost, so people who had bundled phone service with that company had no phones at all. My cell phone service went in and out until today, when it seems to be consistently operating. After this experience, I've removed those corded phones from my garage sale stack!
I checked the cemetery this morning and saw limbs everywhere; many of the huge trees there have broken limbs or split trunks. A few of the flags around the Veterans Memorial have disappeared. Surprisingly, the silk flowers and flag in the vase at Ed's grave were all intact.
One common comment in my neighborhood is that this damage and lack of power is nothing compared with the loss of life and suffering of the people of Texas and the Gulf Coast area because of Hurricane Ike.
On Sunday starting around noon, winds that came from a mix of what used to be Hurricane Ike and the jet stream caused high wind warnings to be issued for Ohio. From noon until about 7:30 pm, there were steady winds of 30 to 40 mph, gusts of 75 mph, and then steady very high winds. By 3 pm, I lost power as well as a large limb from a beautiful 20-foot tall Bradford pear tree in my back yard. By 3:15, a bunch of my neighbors, who all heard the crack, were gathered in my back yard trying to help me figure out what to do about the tree. My back yard neighbor Todd, who helped me before when a small tree went down, got his chain saw and was starting to cut away the broken limb so that the wind wasn't pushing it against the main trunk when, suddenly, another third of the tree cracked and fell. Luckily, it fell away from where Todd was standing. He looked at me and we both said, "This tree has to go." He cut through the main trunk so that the rest of the tree fell into the yard away from the house and away from the power lines and phone lines at the back of the property. Then we started hearing more and more cracks in the area. I have the privilege of being the first in my neighborhood to have lost a tree on Sunday, but many more came down in the next hours.
On Monday, Todd and his friends showed up with a rented wood chipper and a truck from one of their businesses and more chain saws. First they took care of all his downed limbs and two gorgeous very tall pine trees that came down in his yard; then they cleared away all my limbs. And then they went off to help other people they knew. A "thank you" and "God bless you" (and chipping in--no pun intended--on the cost of the rented equipment) just isn't enough to show my gratitude.
While we were dragging my tree limbs to Todd's yard where the chipper was sitting, my neighbor Ann Morgan came out onto her deck and yelled "It's on!" It was 11:20 am. Having heard reports that it could take up to a week to restore all power, we were grateful to be among the first to get it back. All my frozen food was still frozen solid, and the refrigerator food still felt cool, so I fared well in that area. However, we had a little scare about 11:30 when we started smelling something burning outside. A small branch in one of the large trees bordering Todd's and Morgans' property line was smoking. The nearby power line must have ignited it when the surge went through as the power came on. Bill Morgan called the fire department, who said they didn't know when they could get here to check it out, so we were to just keep an eye on it and call 9-1-1 if flames appeared. One of the guys predicted that once it burned through, the branch would fall and all would be OK, and that's exactly what happened. Two fire department personnel did show up about 4 pm, and they asked me to keep an eye on it even though it appeared all was fine. I haven't smelled or seen any further problem.
I had been trying to call Debbie and Tom both Sunday and Monday to see if they had power and finally reached Tom at work Monday morning. After I got power back, we made arrangements for Debbie to bring their freezer food over. They are not among the lucky to get power back early. David called me Sunday night to check on me and confirm that he did not have power. Becky called me Monday morning to check on me; her power was restored at about 4:30 am Monday. I don't know the status of Judi or Eddie.
A lesson from this: If you have a land line, keep at least one corded phone available. As long as there is phone service, a corded phone will work but the cordless ones don't. I'm glad that I still have a separate land line and not service that is bundled in with my cable and internet (which I have been thinking about doing), and that I had 2 corded phones sitting in the basement. Although my WOWWAY cable service apparently was OK, Time Warner cable service was lost, so people who had bundled phone service with that company had no phones at all. My cell phone service went in and out until today, when it seems to be consistently operating. After this experience, I've removed those corded phones from my garage sale stack!
I checked the cemetery this morning and saw limbs everywhere; many of the huge trees there have broken limbs or split trunks. A few of the flags around the Veterans Memorial have disappeared. Surprisingly, the silk flowers and flag in the vase at Ed's grave were all intact.
One common comment in my neighborhood is that this damage and lack of power is nothing compared with the loss of life and suffering of the people of Texas and the Gulf Coast area because of Hurricane Ike.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Our 22nd Anniversary August 9
I've been telling myself all week that I would write in the blog on our anniversary, but not being able to get back to sleep since I awoke at 4 a.m. has me at the keyboard trying to comfort myself. Ed and I would be celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary tomorrow. We knew each other for 5 years before we got married. He always told me that he knew very early on that we belonged together, but because of our age difference, he wanted me to be absolutely sure. When we had those talks, neither one of us ever thought he would be gone so soon. His parents lived to age 79. His dad had had a heart attack in middle age and his mom had heart problems as well, so we thought their circumstances were a predictor and that's why Ed saw a cardiologist every year. I suppose some would say that 20 years of married life (almost 21 years, just short of that by 2 months) is a long time, but I can't stop thinking that we weren't done yet. We still had so many plans, so many things he wanted us to do together.
Despite learning in my support group that significant days can bring back the intense grief, I didn't prepare myself for it to happen. I had a diversion last week, going to Melissa and Mark's from Wednesday to Sunday. I painted their kitchen, foyer, and hallway; we rode through the flood-devastated areas that are still a long way from recovering; we shopped; I enjoyed Will, of course. Even getting back home I found diversions by going to a downsizing workshop with a few friends, going to the weekly supper gathering, and helping a friend unpack at her new place. But each night for probably the last two weeks--even at Melissa's--I have awakened feeling just so sad and alone. Then I can't get back to sleep, which means I'm tired during the day and fall asleep in the afternoon, which then makes it difficult to get to sleep at bedtime. It's a vicious cycle. My friends have joked that we should set up some instant messaging alert so that when we are prowling the house at 3 a.m., we can signal that we're up and needing to talk. So I know I'm not the only one going through this.
I'm sure I'll get through tomorrow--and even get through today--because I have to and because I've gotten through every other down day. I also recognize that I mainly write in this blog when I'm feeling really down. So I should say that I do smile and laugh with my friends and enjoy my visits with family; I even laugh out loud at funny things on TV. Right now, thinking about our anniversary and missing Ed so much that it hurts just isn't one of those times when I can smile.
Despite learning in my support group that significant days can bring back the intense grief, I didn't prepare myself for it to happen. I had a diversion last week, going to Melissa and Mark's from Wednesday to Sunday. I painted their kitchen, foyer, and hallway; we rode through the flood-devastated areas that are still a long way from recovering; we shopped; I enjoyed Will, of course. Even getting back home I found diversions by going to a downsizing workshop with a few friends, going to the weekly supper gathering, and helping a friend unpack at her new place. But each night for probably the last two weeks--even at Melissa's--I have awakened feeling just so sad and alone. Then I can't get back to sleep, which means I'm tired during the day and fall asleep in the afternoon, which then makes it difficult to get to sleep at bedtime. It's a vicious cycle. My friends have joked that we should set up some instant messaging alert so that when we are prowling the house at 3 a.m., we can signal that we're up and needing to talk. So I know I'm not the only one going through this.
I'm sure I'll get through tomorrow--and even get through today--because I have to and because I've gotten through every other down day. I also recognize that I mainly write in this blog when I'm feeling really down. So I should say that I do smile and laugh with my friends and enjoy my visits with family; I even laugh out loud at funny things on TV. Right now, thinking about our anniversary and missing Ed so much that it hurts just isn't one of those times when I can smile.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Ed's birthday again
Today is Ed's birthday. I just heard some firecrackers go off in the neighborhood, and I am reminded that he used to claim any fireworks shot off on July 3 were a celebration of his birthday, not Independence Day.
Mass this morning at our church was for Ed and I attended, of course, since I arranged for the Mass intention. I took a dozen red roses to the cemetery afterwards. Things have been pretty quiet through the rest of my day today. I opted not to go to tonight's big Columbus fireworks display "Red, White, and Boom." Although I appreciated being there last year with Debbie and Tom and family, I just didn't have the desire to go this year. Watching them on TV will be good enough.
I guess I don't have much to say tonight. I miss Ed terribly, not just on his birthday but every day.
Mass this morning at our church was for Ed and I attended, of course, since I arranged for the Mass intention. I took a dozen red roses to the cemetery afterwards. Things have been pretty quiet through the rest of my day today. I opted not to go to tonight's big Columbus fireworks display "Red, White, and Boom." Although I appreciated being there last year with Debbie and Tom and family, I just didn't have the desire to go this year. Watching them on TV will be good enough.
I guess I don't have much to say tonight. I miss Ed terribly, not just on his birthday but every day.
Monday, June 16, 2008
One year
How can it have been a whole year since Ed's death? There have been so many times that it seems like he's just away on yet another business trip and will be coming home soon. Then reality kicks in, and my heart hurts.
My friends who already had their first anniversaries told me that the days leading up to the date were worse than the anniversary date itself. That proved true for me, too. Try as I may to focus on good memories, Ed's last weeks kept taking over my thoughts. My worst day was Saturday rather than yesterday. Perhaps that was because Ed died on Saturday, June 16 last year, the day before Father's Day. One comfort I did have on Saturday was that Melissa had asked me several weeks ago to place three red roses at his grave for Father's Day, one each from her, Mark, and Will. The florist was apologetic that she was out of baby's breath to put with them and supplied some purple-flowered stems, whose name I can't recall, instead of baby's breath along with some greenery. Little did she know how appropriate I thought the purple was--a remembrance of Norwalk city and school colors and of Melissa and Mark's wedding accent color. Then yesterday afternoon I added a rose from our rose bush to the arrangement.
Also on Saturday, I went to 5:00 Mass because Sherry had arranged for it to be in remembrance of her father; that was her Father's Day gift to Ed. Back when she did this, we both asked the woman at church who handles the Mass intentions to somehow assure that "Giesman" would be pronounced correctly. When I saw that the lector who would read the Prayer of the Faithful was a high school boy, I figured he would mispronounce it. But he said it perfectly--and that got to me instantly. It's difficult to camouflage tears streaming down your face when you're out in public, and it took me several minutes to compose myself. I was on the verge of a hard cry the entire rest of the Mass and barely made it into the car before I let it come.
A major distraction since Thursday of last week was the historic flooding in Cedar Rapids. Although their home in Fairfax, a few miles outside of Cedar Rapids, was fine and they never lost electricity or water or phone service, Melissa and Mark's work was affected because of the extreme street flooding which severely inhibited getting around and actual flooding in buildings. Melissa's work, Tanager Place Clinic, was shut down, and Mark's job in Marketing at Mercy Hospital turned into a very different role for him as part of the Emergency Management Team, especially since the hospital was evacuated. Melissa called me numerous times with updates or asking for advice on how to prepare for possible loss of power. I watched The Weather Channel a lot because they had extensive coverage of the situation. There were frequent comparisons in the news to the flooding in 1993; this flooding, however, is much worse. In 1993, we were living in Norwalk, IA, but the flooding in July then wiped out the water plant in Des Moines which provided our water, so we spent two weeks without running water. Ed missed out on some of this because he was in California on business.
My other distraction is that I'm working on SAT essays from the June test administration. I am having difficulty focusing at times, and I'm sure a computer somewhere at Pearson is tracking the fact that sometimes I've spent only 10 minutes working before taking yet another break. Yesterday I did put in a few hours total, but at midday my neighbors, Sherry Statczar and Ann Morgan, insisted on taking me to lunch--although with the largest and most comfortable car among us, I did the driving. When Sherry suggested this, I really did not want to go because I thought I just wanted to be alone for the day. But I know she wanted to do something nice for me and I didn't want to offend her, so I went. It was a pleasant time and the food was tasty, so I guess it was good "lunch therapy."
I had several e-mails in recent days and especially on Monday from Melissa, daughter Becky, niece Pat, several of my cousins, and from my support group friends, all letting me know how much they care about me. I also had a call from my sister, Marie, and one from daughter Sherry last evening. I really appreciate them all. As Ed would often say, even when we understood his diagnosis, "It is what it is." So the first anniversary is over, and my heart still hurts, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other to go on.
I have been writing this entry since 5:00 am when I woke up. I didn't think it would be so hard to compose it. Here's hoping I do a better job of focusing on those SAT essays today.
My friends who already had their first anniversaries told me that the days leading up to the date were worse than the anniversary date itself. That proved true for me, too. Try as I may to focus on good memories, Ed's last weeks kept taking over my thoughts. My worst day was Saturday rather than yesterday. Perhaps that was because Ed died on Saturday, June 16 last year, the day before Father's Day. One comfort I did have on Saturday was that Melissa had asked me several weeks ago to place three red roses at his grave for Father's Day, one each from her, Mark, and Will. The florist was apologetic that she was out of baby's breath to put with them and supplied some purple-flowered stems, whose name I can't recall, instead of baby's breath along with some greenery. Little did she know how appropriate I thought the purple was--a remembrance of Norwalk city and school colors and of Melissa and Mark's wedding accent color. Then yesterday afternoon I added a rose from our rose bush to the arrangement.
Also on Saturday, I went to 5:00 Mass because Sherry had arranged for it to be in remembrance of her father; that was her Father's Day gift to Ed. Back when she did this, we both asked the woman at church who handles the Mass intentions to somehow assure that "Giesman" would be pronounced correctly. When I saw that the lector who would read the Prayer of the Faithful was a high school boy, I figured he would mispronounce it. But he said it perfectly--and that got to me instantly. It's difficult to camouflage tears streaming down your face when you're out in public, and it took me several minutes to compose myself. I was on the verge of a hard cry the entire rest of the Mass and barely made it into the car before I let it come.
A major distraction since Thursday of last week was the historic flooding in Cedar Rapids. Although their home in Fairfax, a few miles outside of Cedar Rapids, was fine and they never lost electricity or water or phone service, Melissa and Mark's work was affected because of the extreme street flooding which severely inhibited getting around and actual flooding in buildings. Melissa's work, Tanager Place Clinic, was shut down, and Mark's job in Marketing at Mercy Hospital turned into a very different role for him as part of the Emergency Management Team, especially since the hospital was evacuated. Melissa called me numerous times with updates or asking for advice on how to prepare for possible loss of power. I watched The Weather Channel a lot because they had extensive coverage of the situation. There were frequent comparisons in the news to the flooding in 1993; this flooding, however, is much worse. In 1993, we were living in Norwalk, IA, but the flooding in July then wiped out the water plant in Des Moines which provided our water, so we spent two weeks without running water. Ed missed out on some of this because he was in California on business.
My other distraction is that I'm working on SAT essays from the June test administration. I am having difficulty focusing at times, and I'm sure a computer somewhere at Pearson is tracking the fact that sometimes I've spent only 10 minutes working before taking yet another break. Yesterday I did put in a few hours total, but at midday my neighbors, Sherry Statczar and Ann Morgan, insisted on taking me to lunch--although with the largest and most comfortable car among us, I did the driving. When Sherry suggested this, I really did not want to go because I thought I just wanted to be alone for the day. But I know she wanted to do something nice for me and I didn't want to offend her, so I went. It was a pleasant time and the food was tasty, so I guess it was good "lunch therapy."
I had several e-mails in recent days and especially on Monday from Melissa, daughter Becky, niece Pat, several of my cousins, and from my support group friends, all letting me know how much they care about me. I also had a call from my sister, Marie, and one from daughter Sherry last evening. I really appreciate them all. As Ed would often say, even when we understood his diagnosis, "It is what it is." So the first anniversary is over, and my heart still hurts, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other to go on.
I have been writing this entry since 5:00 am when I woke up. I didn't think it would be so hard to compose it. Here's hoping I do a better job of focusing on those SAT essays today.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Post-surgery update
I deliberately waited until after my follow-up visit to the surgeon to update the blog. Yes, I said surgeon. On Friday, April 25, I had my gallbladder removed. It was done with laproscopic surgery, which means it was outpatient surgery; I had 4 very small incisions to accommodate the instruments and a very quick recovery time compared with the more traditional surgery. The whole process of being admitted 1 1/2 hours before surgery time (which ended up starting an hour late) to coming out of the anesthetic took about 6 hours. Becky was my "babysitter." She took me to the hospital, waited, brought me home, stayed with me up until 24 hours past surgery time. I had no reaction to the anesthetic, very little pain afterwards, and by Thursday of last week I was out mowing already (even though neighbor Bill Morgan pestered me about doing that). The days in between the surgery and resuming normal activity I spent mostly in the recliner (shades of Ed around this time last year--that weighed on my mind heavily). From right after surgery, I began to eat normally and I have not had any problems with that. So overall, even though I had high anxiety beforehand, the surgery went very well, and the surgeon didn't even yell at me at the follow-up appointment for driving and doing things sooner than the discharge instructions said I should. I'm still not supposed to lift more than 10 pounds for another 4 weeks or so, but that's to prevent the possibility of a hernia developing in the area of the "poke hole" at my belly button. I can't do my morning stretches and crunches yet either, but I am supposed to get back to walking every day. I confess that so far, my walking has mainly been behind the lawn mower.
My last support group meeting was the Wednesday before the surgery. I along with about 10 others from my group of new friends have decided to "graduate." However, we also want to continue getting together as friends and have already laid the groundwork for doing that on a regular basis. Sixteen of us had a pot luck and lots of laughs and conversation last evening. We'll do it again next week, and next Saturday we'll spend the day at one friend's horse farm. I'm counting on this to continue because I have come to really cherish these people. It's a lot like the closeness Ed and I felt with our Lakewood/Norwalk/Iowa friends--they're more like family, very caring and ready to help each other if needed. In fact, one friend brought me supper on Sunday after my surgery, and numerous others offered to be with me for and after the surgery and to drive me around until I could drive. Our support group counselors reminded us that we can come back to the large group anytime for "booster shots." It's comforting to know that option is always there. Now, if I could just figure out how to stay asleep through the night, I wouldn't be up writing in the blog in the wee hours!
My last support group meeting was the Wednesday before the surgery. I along with about 10 others from my group of new friends have decided to "graduate." However, we also want to continue getting together as friends and have already laid the groundwork for doing that on a regular basis. Sixteen of us had a pot luck and lots of laughs and conversation last evening. We'll do it again next week, and next Saturday we'll spend the day at one friend's horse farm. I'm counting on this to continue because I have come to really cherish these people. It's a lot like the closeness Ed and I felt with our Lakewood/Norwalk/Iowa friends--they're more like family, very caring and ready to help each other if needed. In fact, one friend brought me supper on Sunday after my surgery, and numerous others offered to be with me for and after the surgery and to drive me around until I could drive. Our support group counselors reminded us that we can come back to the large group anytime for "booster shots." It's comforting to know that option is always there. Now, if I could just figure out how to stay asleep through the night, I wouldn't be up writing in the blog in the wee hours!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
A good visit and lots of visitors
Melissa, Mark, and Will arrived Thursday night, April 3, after a nine-hour drive from Iowa. Will did really well traveling, so they only stopped twice. I thought he did really well the entire visit except for refusing to take naps now and then. Too much going on that was new, I guess.
On Friday we lunched at Cheeseburger in Paradise, someplace M & M had never been, and while we were there in walked grandson Josh and his girlfriend Honesty. I think my calling out to him startled him, but I was glad to see the two of them and have them see Will (and Melissa and Mark, of course). Friday evening granddaughter Heather, Jeff, Payton, Madison, and Lillian came for a visit. The two sets of young parents compared notes and passed the baby around while I enjoyed playing with the three girls.
Neighbors Ann and Bill and Sherry all stopped by during the weekend, too. Everybody loves to meet and hold a baby. The weather was sunny and pleasant on Saturday, so Melissa and I strolled Will to the park, his first experience with that kind of setting. He is so fascinated by everything around him--that is, when he isn't focused on gnawing away at whatever he can get to his mouth. We also went to the cemetery where Melissa, Mark, and Will placed three red roses in the vase at Ed's marker.
Sunday was the big day for visitors. Will was very good in church but would not go to sleep afterwards. David, Sadie and Grayton arrived around 2:30, and Debbie, Tom and Annie shortly thereafter. As tired as he was, Will just wouldn't miss out on seeing new people and settled right into being passed around the various laps. Starting at 4:00 everyone else arrived--Becky and family, Ed and his two sons, grandson Rob and his fiance Colleen, and Judi. It was such a beautiful afternoon that I grilled some marinated chicken tenders to go with the rest of the spread. It was so good for my soul to have Melissa, Mark, and the baby here, get this meal together, and see everyone enjoying the food and conversation. This was the first time we were all together in this house since Ed's funeral. I've wanted everybody together here for so long and I knew Ed would want that. Having space to have everyone together was the primary reason we chose this house. So even though it probably sounds a little selfish--especially because I know it was hard for a few people to be here without Ed--I'm very glad it finally happened after so long.
Monday morning we went back to the cemetery; the roses were open and beautiful. I knew seeing Ed's marker and gravesite would be emotional for Melissa, but I'm grateful that she wanted to go visit the grave. I go often and my neighbor Bill has said he visits there occasionally, but I don't know if anyone else does. After that visit, M & M and Will left for home. It took a little longer to get back because Will was not a happy traveler this time, but Melissa reported that once he was free to roll all over the place on the floor at home, he was happy and even got up on all fours. He was showing signs here that he is getting ready to crawl--he "scooched" a little getting after some toys (is that how you spell that word?).
I told the support group last night that I had a really good week since last Wednesday. I thought having an empty house again would affect me immediately on Monday, and it did, but not as much as I anticipated. Perhaps it was because Monday evening I had a nutrition workshop to go to and knew I would see friends from the group there. After the workshop, three of us had one of those enjoyable parking-lot conversations that wanders all over the place--any excuse to be out in the pleasant night air for a bit with friendly people. Tuesday I picked up the tax returns, and even that didn't dampen my mood since the results weren't too bad. But now here I am, up since 4 a.m. and crying. I don't remember having a dream that triggered this, so I guess I haven't kicked that feeling-lonely and trouble-sleeping thing yet.
On Friday we lunched at Cheeseburger in Paradise, someplace M & M had never been, and while we were there in walked grandson Josh and his girlfriend Honesty. I think my calling out to him startled him, but I was glad to see the two of them and have them see Will (and Melissa and Mark, of course). Friday evening granddaughter Heather, Jeff, Payton, Madison, and Lillian came for a visit. The two sets of young parents compared notes and passed the baby around while I enjoyed playing with the three girls.
Neighbors Ann and Bill and Sherry all stopped by during the weekend, too. Everybody loves to meet and hold a baby. The weather was sunny and pleasant on Saturday, so Melissa and I strolled Will to the park, his first experience with that kind of setting. He is so fascinated by everything around him--that is, when he isn't focused on gnawing away at whatever he can get to his mouth. We also went to the cemetery where Melissa, Mark, and Will placed three red roses in the vase at Ed's marker.
Sunday was the big day for visitors. Will was very good in church but would not go to sleep afterwards. David, Sadie and Grayton arrived around 2:30, and Debbie, Tom and Annie shortly thereafter. As tired as he was, Will just wouldn't miss out on seeing new people and settled right into being passed around the various laps. Starting at 4:00 everyone else arrived--Becky and family, Ed and his two sons, grandson Rob and his fiance Colleen, and Judi. It was such a beautiful afternoon that I grilled some marinated chicken tenders to go with the rest of the spread. It was so good for my soul to have Melissa, Mark, and the baby here, get this meal together, and see everyone enjoying the food and conversation. This was the first time we were all together in this house since Ed's funeral. I've wanted everybody together here for so long and I knew Ed would want that. Having space to have everyone together was the primary reason we chose this house. So even though it probably sounds a little selfish--especially because I know it was hard for a few people to be here without Ed--I'm very glad it finally happened after so long.
Monday morning we went back to the cemetery; the roses were open and beautiful. I knew seeing Ed's marker and gravesite would be emotional for Melissa, but I'm grateful that she wanted to go visit the grave. I go often and my neighbor Bill has said he visits there occasionally, but I don't know if anyone else does. After that visit, M & M and Will left for home. It took a little longer to get back because Will was not a happy traveler this time, but Melissa reported that once he was free to roll all over the place on the floor at home, he was happy and even got up on all fours. He was showing signs here that he is getting ready to crawl--he "scooched" a little getting after some toys (is that how you spell that word?).
I told the support group last night that I had a really good week since last Wednesday. I thought having an empty house again would affect me immediately on Monday, and it did, but not as much as I anticipated. Perhaps it was because Monday evening I had a nutrition workshop to go to and knew I would see friends from the group there. After the workshop, three of us had one of those enjoyable parking-lot conversations that wanders all over the place--any excuse to be out in the pleasant night air for a bit with friendly people. Tuesday I picked up the tax returns, and even that didn't dampen my mood since the results weren't too bad. But now here I am, up since 4 a.m. and crying. I don't remember having a dream that triggered this, so I guess I haven't kicked that feeling-lonely and trouble-sleeping thing yet.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Unexpectedly hospitalized
Never did I think I would spend Easter Sunday in the hospital. I was awakened around midnight by a pain in the middle of my chest. To say I was scared is an understatement. As the pain intensified and felt like a tightening, I immediately thought I was having a heart attack and took some aspirin, wondering if I should call someone to come help me or dial 9-1-1. But then the pain radiated around my right side and up my back beside my right shoulder blade. Although it may have been foolish, I got online to look up signs of a heart attack in women because I remember reading that women may experience different symptoms than men do. I couldn't completely relate what I found to what I was experiencing, plus the aspirin seemed to help the pain subside a little and I was moving about the house OK despite the pain. But then it turned into a burning pain, so I went looking in the cabinet for something for heartburn (I've never had heartburn that I know of, so I don't know what it feels like). I chewed a Pepcid Complete, but it did nothing. The pain intensified more, so I called 9-1-1. Right after I hung up the phone, I felt nauseous and brought the Pepcid right back up. I knew nausea could be associated with a heart attack and prepared to go to the hospital, hoping I hadn't been foolish in delaying my call for help. I unlocked the front door, got dressed, gathered my purse and coat, and the paramedics arrived. They first did an EKG right in the living room and it showed no problem. By then the pain was subsiding again. They nevertheless wanted to take me in to be checked out and I agreed.
I had another EKG at the hospital and blood work to check for the tell-tale enzyme of a heart problem, but nothing showed up. Still, I was told I'd be admitted for observation and monitoring for 24 hours with continued blood draws and my wearing a heart monitor. However, other enzymes from the liver and pancreas showed slightly elevated levels, and that combined with my description of the pain and the fact that I got really sick to my stomach in the ER led the doctors to suspect stones in my gallbladder, one of which must have blocked a duct for about 1 1/2 hours and caused the pain--and an ultrasound showed that to be the case. So in addition to monitoring my heart, after I was admitted I had another, more thorough ultrasound. By mid-day, the internist who was assigned to me determined that there was no heart problem (other than my right bundle block which I've known about for a few years and which causes no problems and requires no treatment). He discontinued the IV and cancelled the rest of the blood draws, though I still had to wear the heart monitor. However, he called in a surgeon for a consult and they both studied my second ultrasound. They concluded that I was not in any danger from anything connected with the stones in my gallbladder and said I could go home. Some people have gallstones all their lives and never have a problem; they stay "silent." However, the internist recommended I have my gall bladder removed because once someone has an attack, more attacks are likely. The surgeon explained the procedure to me and recommended giving myself 2 weeks to settle back down, then see him in his office to discuss the surgery further and set a date for it sometime in the next 6 weeks. So I will discuss this with my own internist, but that's what I'm planning to do.
Getting out of the hospital was a fiasco. I won't go into all the details, but there were problems in communication among the doctors and nurses. No one signed my discharge paperwork; because all the monitoring orders were cancelled, my nurse just pretty much ignored me and then went home with the notation on my chart still saying that I was to be kept overnight. My complaints did get some attention from the night shift nurse, and after she made a bunch of calls and figured out how to discharge me electronically, I finally was disconnected from the heart monitor and allowed to leave. Debbie picked me up, and I got back in the house at about 10:15 pm, roughly 8 hours after I had been told I could go home.
Instead of writing about having Easter dinner at Becky and Tim's house--which obviously didn't happen for me--I can now tell you a lot about how the gallbladder functions and what happens in the body once it is removed. This was all quite an education for me from both the medical perspective and a more personal one. Once again I am reminded that I need to anticipate, pre-plan, keep medical and other information in order and accessible, and be sure to have a support system in place for emergencies and other times I will need help. It's quite a lesson.
I had another EKG at the hospital and blood work to check for the tell-tale enzyme of a heart problem, but nothing showed up. Still, I was told I'd be admitted for observation and monitoring for 24 hours with continued blood draws and my wearing a heart monitor. However, other enzymes from the liver and pancreas showed slightly elevated levels, and that combined with my description of the pain and the fact that I got really sick to my stomach in the ER led the doctors to suspect stones in my gallbladder, one of which must have blocked a duct for about 1 1/2 hours and caused the pain--and an ultrasound showed that to be the case. So in addition to monitoring my heart, after I was admitted I had another, more thorough ultrasound. By mid-day, the internist who was assigned to me determined that there was no heart problem (other than my right bundle block which I've known about for a few years and which causes no problems and requires no treatment). He discontinued the IV and cancelled the rest of the blood draws, though I still had to wear the heart monitor. However, he called in a surgeon for a consult and they both studied my second ultrasound. They concluded that I was not in any danger from anything connected with the stones in my gallbladder and said I could go home. Some people have gallstones all their lives and never have a problem; they stay "silent." However, the internist recommended I have my gall bladder removed because once someone has an attack, more attacks are likely. The surgeon explained the procedure to me and recommended giving myself 2 weeks to settle back down, then see him in his office to discuss the surgery further and set a date for it sometime in the next 6 weeks. So I will discuss this with my own internist, but that's what I'm planning to do.
Getting out of the hospital was a fiasco. I won't go into all the details, but there were problems in communication among the doctors and nurses. No one signed my discharge paperwork; because all the monitoring orders were cancelled, my nurse just pretty much ignored me and then went home with the notation on my chart still saying that I was to be kept overnight. My complaints did get some attention from the night shift nurse, and after she made a bunch of calls and figured out how to discharge me electronically, I finally was disconnected from the heart monitor and allowed to leave. Debbie picked me up, and I got back in the house at about 10:15 pm, roughly 8 hours after I had been told I could go home.
Instead of writing about having Easter dinner at Becky and Tim's house--which obviously didn't happen for me--I can now tell you a lot about how the gallbladder functions and what happens in the body once it is removed. This was all quite an education for me from both the medical perspective and a more personal one. Once again I am reminded that I need to anticipate, pre-plan, keep medical and other information in order and accessible, and be sure to have a support system in place for emergencies and other times I will need help. It's quite a lesson.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Memories flooding in
Writing in this blog is another way I am trying to cope, especially today, with a flood of memories that have come since a few days before Valentine's Day. Ed and I never went all out for Valentine's Day, just exchanging cards, an occasional gift, and always a nice dinner at home. This past one really hit me hard nevertheless. I was a crying mess at that week's support group meeting when the facilitator asked us how we were handling the hype. I think it was because the last card I ever got from Ed was Valentine's Day last year. To get through the day, I and several of my support group friends, who were also struggling with all the hype beforehand and the actual day, e-mailed each other all day long to boost our spirits.
Now today, I have come to one of the "first anniversaries." One year ago today, we were preparing for a six-day trip to Iowa to paint Melissa and Mark's newly finished basement family room. I was looking out the front window in the loft, watching Ed put our trash can out for the next morning's pickup, after which we would start our drive to Iowa. What I saw is so vivid in my mind now. He was limping, badly, favoring his right side. When he came inside, he said he thought he must have pulled a groin muscle lifting the garage door because he hadn't felt anything prior to that. Although our double garage door is on an automatic opener, the single door has to be opened manually, so it seemed possible that's what happened. Since it didn't bother him to sit, we decided that a good night's rest, some ice and some Advil would help, and we would still make the trip. The next morning we debated again but still decided to make the trip. Ed even took the first couple hours of driving. When we stopped for lunch in Champaign, IL, he was in severe pain when walking and could barely walk to get lunch. We talked about just turning back, but once again since he could sit and even drive comfortably, we kept on going. The entire time we were in Iowa, he sat in an easy chair; he just could not stand or walk without discomfort, even with taking Advil and using ice. He joked that it was a good thing the Big Ten basketball tournament was on TV to keep him occupied since he couldn't help paint. He made it to the basement twice while we were there to see how the room was coming along. Mostly we all waited on him so he wouldn't have to move around much. He seemed to feel a little bit better after a few days of inactivity. Once we got back home, we scheduled a visit to a GP for the next day. That was the start of many trips to various specialists. The GP also thought it was possible that he pulled a groin muscle or that he had arthritis in his hip, but he wanted to do other tests, too, starting with a urologist to check for prostate cancer. He gave Ed a pain pill to take and arthritis medication to try. The pain pill helped; Ed didn't like the way the Celebrex affected him and he stopped taking it after a few doses.
I really do not believe that losing a week before getting to a doctor made any difference. We obviously didn't know that the pain in Ed's hip was from the deterioration the cancer had already caused as it spread. The doctor never guessed that it was renal cell carcinoma because Ed had absolutely no symptoms of that. The urologist wasn't thinking that either, and first treated Ed for a urinary infection while waiting for test results for prostate cancer, which were negative.
I won't go into any more detail now. It's just been not the best day today even though I have tried to keep busy and not dwell on the memories that have come flooding back. Last night I had a dozen people from the support group here for supper; we had two weeks "off" between sessions, but some of us still like to get together on those off Wednesdays mainly for the companionship and the chance to talk about more than just dealing with our grief. I thought having these friends here would help me handle today, and e-mails from a couple of them today have helped. But I was painfully aware of how empty the house felt when they all left at 10 last night.
Thursday of last week, I finally got down to Cincinnati to see my sister-in-law Maryellen and niece Pat (technically Ed's niece, but she still calls me Aunt Joni, and I like that). I was finally able to deliver the family tree I created with Bob's picture and his kids' and grandkids' names, just like the one I gave everyone at Christmas with Ed's photo and names, showing the research that Ed had done back several generations. I know both Maryellen and Pat appreciated having it. We had a nice, long, lots-of-talking lunch together that I think was good for all of us. We are all still grieving the loss of both brothers--it's still so hard to believe they could both be gone within months of each other. I also had a little alone time with Pat that was good for both of us, too, I think. Kirk, Pat's husband, even made it home from work early, and with their daughter and son getting home from school, it was so pleasant to be with them all.
Some days in the past two months, I have thought that maybe I don't need the support group as much anymore, though I would definitely want to stay in touch with the friends I've made. But facing the "anniversaries" is something others in the group have talked about that I can relate to, so I will be going back for another eight weeks. If I find I'm doing OK or the issues we talk about are becoming repetitive rather than helpful, I can always stop going, or just go occasionally for "booster shots," as the facilitators call them.
Now today, I have come to one of the "first anniversaries." One year ago today, we were preparing for a six-day trip to Iowa to paint Melissa and Mark's newly finished basement family room. I was looking out the front window in the loft, watching Ed put our trash can out for the next morning's pickup, after which we would start our drive to Iowa. What I saw is so vivid in my mind now. He was limping, badly, favoring his right side. When he came inside, he said he thought he must have pulled a groin muscle lifting the garage door because he hadn't felt anything prior to that. Although our double garage door is on an automatic opener, the single door has to be opened manually, so it seemed possible that's what happened. Since it didn't bother him to sit, we decided that a good night's rest, some ice and some Advil would help, and we would still make the trip. The next morning we debated again but still decided to make the trip. Ed even took the first couple hours of driving. When we stopped for lunch in Champaign, IL, he was in severe pain when walking and could barely walk to get lunch. We talked about just turning back, but once again since he could sit and even drive comfortably, we kept on going. The entire time we were in Iowa, he sat in an easy chair; he just could not stand or walk without discomfort, even with taking Advil and using ice. He joked that it was a good thing the Big Ten basketball tournament was on TV to keep him occupied since he couldn't help paint. He made it to the basement twice while we were there to see how the room was coming along. Mostly we all waited on him so he wouldn't have to move around much. He seemed to feel a little bit better after a few days of inactivity. Once we got back home, we scheduled a visit to a GP for the next day. That was the start of many trips to various specialists. The GP also thought it was possible that he pulled a groin muscle or that he had arthritis in his hip, but he wanted to do other tests, too, starting with a urologist to check for prostate cancer. He gave Ed a pain pill to take and arthritis medication to try. The pain pill helped; Ed didn't like the way the Celebrex affected him and he stopped taking it after a few doses.
I really do not believe that losing a week before getting to a doctor made any difference. We obviously didn't know that the pain in Ed's hip was from the deterioration the cancer had already caused as it spread. The doctor never guessed that it was renal cell carcinoma because Ed had absolutely no symptoms of that. The urologist wasn't thinking that either, and first treated Ed for a urinary infection while waiting for test results for prostate cancer, which were negative.
I won't go into any more detail now. It's just been not the best day today even though I have tried to keep busy and not dwell on the memories that have come flooding back. Last night I had a dozen people from the support group here for supper; we had two weeks "off" between sessions, but some of us still like to get together on those off Wednesdays mainly for the companionship and the chance to talk about more than just dealing with our grief. I thought having these friends here would help me handle today, and e-mails from a couple of them today have helped. But I was painfully aware of how empty the house felt when they all left at 10 last night.
Thursday of last week, I finally got down to Cincinnati to see my sister-in-law Maryellen and niece Pat (technically Ed's niece, but she still calls me Aunt Joni, and I like that). I was finally able to deliver the family tree I created with Bob's picture and his kids' and grandkids' names, just like the one I gave everyone at Christmas with Ed's photo and names, showing the research that Ed had done back several generations. I know both Maryellen and Pat appreciated having it. We had a nice, long, lots-of-talking lunch together that I think was good for all of us. We are all still grieving the loss of both brothers--it's still so hard to believe they could both be gone within months of each other. I also had a little alone time with Pat that was good for both of us, too, I think. Kirk, Pat's husband, even made it home from work early, and with their daughter and son getting home from school, it was so pleasant to be with them all.
Some days in the past two months, I have thought that maybe I don't need the support group as much anymore, though I would definitely want to stay in touch with the friends I've made. But facing the "anniversaries" is something others in the group have talked about that I can relate to, so I will be going back for another eight weeks. If I find I'm doing OK or the issues we talk about are becoming repetitive rather than helpful, I can always stop going, or just go occasionally for "booster shots," as the facilitators call them.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Will's Baptism
It has taken me a while to get to writing about Will's baptism. January 20 was the date, held at St. Jude's church in Cedar Rapids after the 11 a.m. Mass. Melissa waited until after Mass to dress Will in his white knit outfit. He looks so good in white (no bias there, of course). The godparents were Melissa's good friend Jill King (now Versteeg) and Mark's brother Matt Wehr, the maid of honor and best man from Melissa and Mark's wedding. There were two other babies being baptized also, which disappointed Melissa a little because she wanted this to be a special occasion focused on Will. Of the three babies, Will had the most traditional name, William James. He was fascinated, I think, by most of the ceremony, crying only a very little towards the end--probably because he was getting hungry. Will loves his bath, so having water poured over his head was no problem. The priest got a little heavy-handed with the holy chrism, smearing it all over Will's head. A couple of us joked that maybe it would cure Will's "cradle cap" dry skin problem.
Afterwards, our group went back to the house for a very nice luncheon together. Besides Melissa, Mark, Will, and me, there were Mark's parents Jim and Marna, Melissa's Dad Jim and Peggy, Jill and her husband Todd, Matt, and Mark's sister Michelle. Although my mother and sister would have liked to be there, the weather and my Mom's health were issues. That weekend, Cedar Rapids had actual temperatures below zero and a high on that Sunday of only 4 degrees. Marie had decided well before the date that Cedar Rapids in January was likely to be too cold for her liking and, moreso, too hard on our mother. Having to change planes at O'Hare is always anybody's guess as to whether or not there will be a jetway to and from the planes--and my Mom would never be able to handle those tiny steps of a regional jet nor be able to walk any distance within the airport. Melissa had Todd record the baptism, so Great-Grandma and Great Aunt Marie (she always knew she was a "great" aunt) and family can at least watch a DVD of the event.
Normally, I would have slipped right into the role of hostess at the house and been the clean-up person, but this time, others had to get the food out and do the cleaning afterwards. On Saturday evening while getting up from playing with Will on the floor, I reached to pick him up and twisted the wrong way. I should have immediately put ice on my back and quit doing things for the rest of the night, but there were still things to be done to be ready for the luncheon, so I kept at them. Big mistake. During the night I was in horrendous pain, and I knew I had a severe muscle spasm in the same spot as when I hurt my back taking care of Ed. I was in pain, despite lots of Advil and alternating ice and heat, all day and night Sunday and Monday. On Tuesday, Melissa dropped me off at the airport at 8 a.m., and I suffered my way through the flying. Of course, that happened to be the day that O'Hare shut down for several hours--the weather was cold but sunny and no one could tell me the reason for the shut down. That meant my flight out of Cedar Rapids was cancelled, the next flight I was on sat on the runway for two hours, my connection to Columbus was nowhere to be found on the board at O'Hare, and the next flight I was put on was delayed for 5 hours. I finally pulled into my garage at exactly midnight. Sitting on those planes and having to walk back and forth from B concourse to C concourse at O'Hare a couple of times because of gate changes was not exactly what my back needed, to say the least. Pity the people who had to sit near me; they were treated to the menthol smell of Icy Hot that I was rubbing on my back every hour (yes, it does come in a small enough tube that is permitted to be carried onboard a plane).
My back is partly the reason I haven't written in the blog. Sitting at the computer--in fact sitting anywhere--has not been the most comfortable position for me since I got back home. It has taken over a week to get that muscle spasm worked out. It wasn't as severe as when I hurt myself in May, but it still is giving me a little bit of a problem. Of course, having this happen is one of those triggers that bring back painful memories of what Ed was going through at the time. I haven't exactly been the cheeriest person these days. I haven't had to ask anybody to come help me because of my back, but the prospect looms that something could happen to me when I would need help, and it scares me to think I might be in a situation where I can't get to a phone. Guess I need to pay more attention to those Medic Alert ads.
So I'm having many roller coaster days lately, sometimes finding things to smile about and then not so much. I'm back to grading SAT essays until February 12, so that will keep me occupied for a while. With the cold weather keeping people indoors and my neighbors the Morgans being gone for January and February to a warmer climate, I don't have a whole lot of human, face-to-face contact right now. That really emphasizes the feelings of loneliness and missing Ed so much. Once again, thank goodness for the weekly support group.
Afterwards, our group went back to the house for a very nice luncheon together. Besides Melissa, Mark, Will, and me, there were Mark's parents Jim and Marna, Melissa's Dad Jim and Peggy, Jill and her husband Todd, Matt, and Mark's sister Michelle. Although my mother and sister would have liked to be there, the weather and my Mom's health were issues. That weekend, Cedar Rapids had actual temperatures below zero and a high on that Sunday of only 4 degrees. Marie had decided well before the date that Cedar Rapids in January was likely to be too cold for her liking and, moreso, too hard on our mother. Having to change planes at O'Hare is always anybody's guess as to whether or not there will be a jetway to and from the planes--and my Mom would never be able to handle those tiny steps of a regional jet nor be able to walk any distance within the airport. Melissa had Todd record the baptism, so Great-Grandma and Great Aunt Marie (she always knew she was a "great" aunt) and family can at least watch a DVD of the event.
Normally, I would have slipped right into the role of hostess at the house and been the clean-up person, but this time, others had to get the food out and do the cleaning afterwards. On Saturday evening while getting up from playing with Will on the floor, I reached to pick him up and twisted the wrong way. I should have immediately put ice on my back and quit doing things for the rest of the night, but there were still things to be done to be ready for the luncheon, so I kept at them. Big mistake. During the night I was in horrendous pain, and I knew I had a severe muscle spasm in the same spot as when I hurt my back taking care of Ed. I was in pain, despite lots of Advil and alternating ice and heat, all day and night Sunday and Monday. On Tuesday, Melissa dropped me off at the airport at 8 a.m., and I suffered my way through the flying. Of course, that happened to be the day that O'Hare shut down for several hours--the weather was cold but sunny and no one could tell me the reason for the shut down. That meant my flight out of Cedar Rapids was cancelled, the next flight I was on sat on the runway for two hours, my connection to Columbus was nowhere to be found on the board at O'Hare, and the next flight I was put on was delayed for 5 hours. I finally pulled into my garage at exactly midnight. Sitting on those planes and having to walk back and forth from B concourse to C concourse at O'Hare a couple of times because of gate changes was not exactly what my back needed, to say the least. Pity the people who had to sit near me; they were treated to the menthol smell of Icy Hot that I was rubbing on my back every hour (yes, it does come in a small enough tube that is permitted to be carried onboard a plane).
My back is partly the reason I haven't written in the blog. Sitting at the computer--in fact sitting anywhere--has not been the most comfortable position for me since I got back home. It has taken over a week to get that muscle spasm worked out. It wasn't as severe as when I hurt myself in May, but it still is giving me a little bit of a problem. Of course, having this happen is one of those triggers that bring back painful memories of what Ed was going through at the time. I haven't exactly been the cheeriest person these days. I haven't had to ask anybody to come help me because of my back, but the prospect looms that something could happen to me when I would need help, and it scares me to think I might be in a situation where I can't get to a phone. Guess I need to pay more attention to those Medic Alert ads.
So I'm having many roller coaster days lately, sometimes finding things to smile about and then not so much. I'm back to grading SAT essays until February 12, so that will keep me occupied for a while. With the cold weather keeping people indoors and my neighbors the Morgans being gone for January and February to a warmer climate, I don't have a whole lot of human, face-to-face contact right now. That really emphasizes the feelings of loneliness and missing Ed so much. Once again, thank goodness for the weekly support group.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Such good neighbors and friends
I haven't said often enough what good neighbors I have, but the latest episode of help from a neighbor reminds me to express my gratitude and appreciation. When I returned from my Christmas trip to Iowa, I discovered that the small, ornamental peach tree in the backyard had been blown over, with the trunk breaking off from the roots. Luckily, I had always kept it trimmed so that it wasn't tall enough to reach the sunroom when it fell in that direction. Although there is a chain saw in the garage, I wasn't about to try to use it myself. I wasn't having much luck finding help to get the tree cut up. Last Sunday and Monday when we had some unusually warm days, I went out with my pruning saw and some clippers and "denuded" the tree of its twigs and smaller branches. While I worked on that, my across-the-street neighbor Mike came over to see what was going on. He doesn't have his own chain saw and wasn't comfortable trying ours, but he expressed his concern and tried to come up with suggestions for what I could do. Then, at my support group Wednesday evening, I chatted with Debbie, one of my friends there, and told her what happened with the tree. Thursday morning, she forwarded three e-mails to me with names and phone numbers of people who would help me with the tree; she had posted a note on the Hilliard School District (where she works) internal bulletin board about my need and had responses within minutes. I planned to call one of those contacts today--except before I could do that, my tree was gone! My backyard neighbor, Todd, was outside about to use his chain saw on his own fallen tree branches but came over to my yard first. Not only did he cut up the remaining limbs and trunk, he removed everything and put it with his own branches to dispose of so I wouldn't have that problem to deal with. How grateful I am to him!
Not only that, on Thursday I woke up to a cold house; it turned out the computerized blower control board in the furnace had shorted out. When my across-the-street neighbor Diana saw how long the repair van was in my driveway, she called to make sure I was OK and to invite me over until I had heat again. It wasn't necessary to do that, but I do appreciate her concern. Likewise, my next-door neighbors Bill and Ann Morgan have brought me homemade food, check on me when they haven't seen me for a day or so, look after the house when I'm gone, and are always ready to chat and keep me company. Neighbor Sherry, also a widow, is always up for a chat, too, and always asks how Will is doing and asks to see his latest photos. They all make me feel so blessed to have them as neighbors and friends. I just needed to put that in writing.
Not only that, on Thursday I woke up to a cold house; it turned out the computerized blower control board in the furnace had shorted out. When my across-the-street neighbor Diana saw how long the repair van was in my driveway, she called to make sure I was OK and to invite me over until I had heat again. It wasn't necessary to do that, but I do appreciate her concern. Likewise, my next-door neighbors Bill and Ann Morgan have brought me homemade food, check on me when they haven't seen me for a day or so, look after the house when I'm gone, and are always ready to chat and keep me company. Neighbor Sherry, also a widow, is always up for a chat, too, and always asks how Will is doing and asks to see his latest photos. They all make me feel so blessed to have them as neighbors and friends. I just needed to put that in writing.
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