And so this is Christmas, as the song says. It's a very different one for me. As I write this I'm alone, I have no place to go tonight (Christmas Eve) except to church later for midnight Mass, and tomorrow I'm joining two friends to go to an afternoon movie followed by dinner out. I have never had a Christmas like this before. No cooking, no baking, no multitude of visitors or going to people's houses, no traveling. I did have two visitors, however.
Sherry (Ed's daughter) and Jeremy (grandson), who live in St. Louis, visited this afternoon for about 1 1/2 hours; that was nice. Never fear, I haven't been a hermit. The days leading up to today have taken me out to places for shopping and, the last two nights, dinner out with friends. Sunday, December 20, was a really good day with my Hearts group coming over to decorate the tree (I did decorate the house this year), sing around the piano with me accompanying, and have lots of great food and drink and conversation and laughs. They are such dear people. Going back to last week, I worked on SAT essays Monday through Friday. For the long weekend of December 10-14, Melissa, Mark, and Will were here to help me celebrate my 60th birthday. That Saturday night, some of the Giesman kids and grands as well as a couple neighbors came over for birthday cake. While M & M & Will were here, we went to the Columbus Zoo to see the holiday lights that covered nearly every inch of the place, it seemed. Will also sat on Santa's lap--Santa just happened to be visiting the guard house at the entrance to my street. We got the platform out and set up the Lionel train (my first Christmas present when I was 11 days old), and as I expected, Will loved it. So of course we had to put the tree in place, too--which sat rather bare until my friends and I decorated it.
Despite all the activity in the past two weeks, it is very quiet in the house now. I've left all my gift wrapping chores go since the Giesman gathering won't be until January 1, here at the house, and our Christmas in Iowa will be sometime when I'm there January 7-12. I figured on filling the upcoming days with gift wrapping and preparing for the January events. Since I've gotten out only about half of the Christmas cards I usually send, I'll work on the rest of those Christmas morning. (Better they get out late than never.)
So it's a different Christmas this year. Not awful, just different. Kinda takes some getting used to.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Eyes update and more
It has taken this long to finally be able to report that the post-surgery inflammation is gone from both of my eyes. I got that good news from the ophthalmologist who has a specialty in persistent eye inflammation. So now over the next three weeks, I am weaning myself off the steroid drops; I stopped the other eye drops last week, but he recommended I continue using artificial tears, especially through the winter months. No one told me beforehand that eye surgery can cause dry eyes, not that that would have prevented me from going through with it. I go back to my ophthalmologist who did the surgery in two weeks. One thing that concerns me is that during the past few weeks my perfect vision has lessened for long distances although for close up and intermediate ranges it is still fabulous. What I've noticed is that if I focus on a distant road sign, for example, I can eventually make out what it says; however, when I'm driving I don't have the luxury of spending time to focus, hence the concern. I've read that it can take three to six months and even up to a year until you know what your final vision outcome is with the Crystalens implants. Until the doctor tells me otherwise, I'm going to assume that my eye muscles are still "in training" learning how to adjust the lens to respond to distance vision. But if it comes to needing glasses for certain situations (like driving), I'm OK with that.
A good test of how well the lenses are working was my work time on the SAT essays. I worked October 15-27, and even on the days when I worked 7 hours (which used to tire out my eyes and even give me a headache from looking at the computer screen for that long a stretch), I never had a headache, never felt like my eyes needed a rest. Before, when a student's handwriting or printing was really tiny, I would struggle to read it and would have to use a magnification tool built into the essay scoring software, but this time I didn't need to do that for even the tiniest printing. Pretty impressive, I'd say.
The other news from October is that I signed up for Social Security. I will be turning 60 in December, so I'm eligible for widow's benefits based on Ed's record. The first payment will hit my bank account in January. I remember walking out of the Social Security office with such mixed emotions after signing up--so grateful to Ed for his hard work and success that will now benefit me, so grateful that, really, he is still taking care of me in this way, but so sad and upset that it has to be this way. Yes, I cried in the parking lot.
Fortunately, my good friends continue to make me laugh--a lot. We haven't been going to the wine tastings on Fridays as often, but now we've added a new dimension to our social calendars. After our usual supper at Bob Evans on Wednesday evenings with anywhere from 8 to 18 people, most weeks my friends Cheryl, George, Ron, and I (and sometimes Ann) go out for a drink afterwards and more chatting and laughing. I have never in my life been to a bar this frequently (actually, the bar section of Champs restaurant); in fact, I've never been out to eat so frequently and regularly!
I am going to be traveling to Iowa for Thanksgiving week. Will and I will get to babysit each other for two of the days. Thanksgiving dinner will be at Mark's parents' house where there will be quite a large family gathering. I've already been requested to make huge quantities of deviled eggs as my contribution to the meal. Then I will be home for Christmas and New Year's. Melissa, Mark, and Will may be coming for my birthday in December; hopefully, that will work out. I'm planning to host the Giesman Christmas gathering on Jan. 1; Becky has hosted the last two years. Though I have always wanted to have it here, it was hard for some of Ed's kids to be here without him; hopefully enough time has passed that it won't be a problem for them. Then I've organized a group to go to a concert on Jan. 3. Sometime after that I'll go back to Iowa for a visit.
As you can see, there were several "hopefully" comments above. That's kind of how things go these days. Deal with whatever comes up and hope for the best.
A good test of how well the lenses are working was my work time on the SAT essays. I worked October 15-27, and even on the days when I worked 7 hours (which used to tire out my eyes and even give me a headache from looking at the computer screen for that long a stretch), I never had a headache, never felt like my eyes needed a rest. Before, when a student's handwriting or printing was really tiny, I would struggle to read it and would have to use a magnification tool built into the essay scoring software, but this time I didn't need to do that for even the tiniest printing. Pretty impressive, I'd say.
The other news from October is that I signed up for Social Security. I will be turning 60 in December, so I'm eligible for widow's benefits based on Ed's record. The first payment will hit my bank account in January. I remember walking out of the Social Security office with such mixed emotions after signing up--so grateful to Ed for his hard work and success that will now benefit me, so grateful that, really, he is still taking care of me in this way, but so sad and upset that it has to be this way. Yes, I cried in the parking lot.
Fortunately, my good friends continue to make me laugh--a lot. We haven't been going to the wine tastings on Fridays as often, but now we've added a new dimension to our social calendars. After our usual supper at Bob Evans on Wednesday evenings with anywhere from 8 to 18 people, most weeks my friends Cheryl, George, Ron, and I (and sometimes Ann) go out for a drink afterwards and more chatting and laughing. I have never in my life been to a bar this frequently (actually, the bar section of Champs restaurant); in fact, I've never been out to eat so frequently and regularly!
I am going to be traveling to Iowa for Thanksgiving week. Will and I will get to babysit each other for two of the days. Thanksgiving dinner will be at Mark's parents' house where there will be quite a large family gathering. I've already been requested to make huge quantities of deviled eggs as my contribution to the meal. Then I will be home for Christmas and New Year's. Melissa, Mark, and Will may be coming for my birthday in December; hopefully, that will work out. I'm planning to host the Giesman Christmas gathering on Jan. 1; Becky has hosted the last two years. Though I have always wanted to have it here, it was hard for some of Ed's kids to be here without him; hopefully enough time has passed that it won't be a problem for them. Then I've organized a group to go to a concert on Jan. 3. Sometime after that I'll go back to Iowa for a visit.
As you can see, there were several "hopefully" comments above. That's kind of how things go these days. Deal with whatever comes up and hope for the best.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Eyes checkup
One month after cataract surgery and Crystalens implant in my left eye and one week after the same in my right eye, the report is mostly good. I have 20/20 vision at all distances, even a little better in the right eye at close range. However, both eyes have inflammation. The doctor says this is to be expected in the right eye because it has only been a week since surgery, but he has no explanation for the inflammation still in the left eye. His comment was "You're not a normal person." Some would say that's obvious. (That phrasing sounds just like Ed would say it.)
Nothing to panic or be worried about, the doc says. He thinks the blurriness I am experiencing is from the inflammation and expects that to improve in the next two weeks. Increasing the frequency of eye drops is the only thing to do about it. As of today, I'm down to two kinds of drops for each eye and I instill drops four times a day. He says having blurriness come and go is not what others who achieved the great vision I have have reported. I'm to be patient and give it all time to improve. I start eye exercises today. They really aren't anything special. I have 6 booklets of word search puzzles, each booklet in succession a smaller print. I'm to do the puzzles 10 minutes at a time twice a day, and after the 10 minutes look at least 10 feet away and focus hard on something. This is supposed to strengthen the eye muscle and teach it to move the Crystalens forwards and backwards the way a natural lens would move in response to viewing conditions. However, I haven't had a problem adjusting to viewing distance except for the blurriness, especially at longer distances. So I'll see what happens--pun intended.
Nothing to panic or be worried about, the doc says. He thinks the blurriness I am experiencing is from the inflammation and expects that to improve in the next two weeks. Increasing the frequency of eye drops is the only thing to do about it. As of today, I'm down to two kinds of drops for each eye and I instill drops four times a day. He says having blurriness come and go is not what others who achieved the great vision I have have reported. I'm to be patient and give it all time to improve. I start eye exercises today. They really aren't anything special. I have 6 booklets of word search puzzles, each booklet in succession a smaller print. I'm to do the puzzles 10 minutes at a time twice a day, and after the 10 minutes look at least 10 feet away and focus hard on something. This is supposed to strengthen the eye muscle and teach it to move the Crystalens forwards and backwards the way a natural lens would move in response to viewing conditions. However, I haven't had a problem adjusting to viewing distance except for the blurriness, especially at longer distances. So I'll see what happens--pun intended.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Our 23rd wedding anniversary
Today Ed and I would be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary. We would probably exchange cards (we were long past giving each other gifts) and enjoy grilling our main meal (especially because the temperature will be in the 90s today), probably have wine with dinner. We'd probably have tickets for a show or special event going on around this time and consider that part of our celebration, too. Simple pleasures, but those are what we enjoyed most. So are you supposed to still celebrate your anniversary when only one of you is here to do it? I haven't answered that question for myself yet.
This will probably sound silly, but I have been working hard not to cry today, though I'm not totally succeeding. Here's the reason: I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Thursday, and I don't know if crying would have any effect on how well my eye drops would be absorbed or would cause some sort of swelling that isn't good. So I'm trying to stay in control. My surgery included a re-shaping of my cornea to get rid of my astigmatism, and instead of the standard lens implant once the cataract was out of there, I got a Crystalens, which is a flexible lens that mimics the natural lens in helping me see. When everything is healed and my brain and the lens are working in sync, I shouldn't need my glasses so much--maybe even not at all. One day after surgery, I already had 20/20 vision for intermediate distance and 20/25 and 20/30 for close up and long distance. Right now my pupil is still dilated; somehow that prevents the eye muscle from trying to move the implanted lens. But about Wednesday, the pupil should be back to normal size and then I should experience even more improved vision. I'll be having cataract surgery on my right eye on August 27, having the Crystalens implant for that eye, too, though the astigmatism in my right eye is minimal so I won't have that correction done. I am looking forward to having perfect vision, or at least much much improved vision, and I'm told that will be for the rest of my life. I was fortunate not to have any pain or other effects from the surgery other than some peripheral blurriness that actually comes from the pupil being dilated. Hopefully, the surgery on my right eye will go as well. Our son-in-law Tom took me for the surgery, and he was allowed to watch it on closed-circuit TV trained on my eye, with a nurse right there explaining the procedures. He was fascinated by it all and described it as a great experience.
Because I'm not to do any strenuous work or exercise for a few days, I've had to baby myself--which means I'm getting pretty bored. I'm watching TV and reading without my glasses because now the left lens prescription is way way off, but that means my right eye gets tired, even a little sore, from not having my glasses for that eye. I did drive to church today without my glasses, and that went OK though I don't think I'd drive any great distance or drive at night just yet.
I can't help but remember that Ed hated having anything touch his eyes, hated eye drops. While I'm sure he would have encouraged me to get the Crystalens and be confident about the surgeries, there's no way he would ever have watched the operation! I am truly grateful that he left me with the means to be able to have this done. Time to put in more eye drops now. As I raise the three different bottles of eye drops, guess I'll treat them as a toast to our 23rd anniversary.
This will probably sound silly, but I have been working hard not to cry today, though I'm not totally succeeding. Here's the reason: I had cataract surgery on my left eye on Thursday, and I don't know if crying would have any effect on how well my eye drops would be absorbed or would cause some sort of swelling that isn't good. So I'm trying to stay in control. My surgery included a re-shaping of my cornea to get rid of my astigmatism, and instead of the standard lens implant once the cataract was out of there, I got a Crystalens, which is a flexible lens that mimics the natural lens in helping me see. When everything is healed and my brain and the lens are working in sync, I shouldn't need my glasses so much--maybe even not at all. One day after surgery, I already had 20/20 vision for intermediate distance and 20/25 and 20/30 for close up and long distance. Right now my pupil is still dilated; somehow that prevents the eye muscle from trying to move the implanted lens. But about Wednesday, the pupil should be back to normal size and then I should experience even more improved vision. I'll be having cataract surgery on my right eye on August 27, having the Crystalens implant for that eye, too, though the astigmatism in my right eye is minimal so I won't have that correction done. I am looking forward to having perfect vision, or at least much much improved vision, and I'm told that will be for the rest of my life. I was fortunate not to have any pain or other effects from the surgery other than some peripheral blurriness that actually comes from the pupil being dilated. Hopefully, the surgery on my right eye will go as well. Our son-in-law Tom took me for the surgery, and he was allowed to watch it on closed-circuit TV trained on my eye, with a nurse right there explaining the procedures. He was fascinated by it all and described it as a great experience.
Because I'm not to do any strenuous work or exercise for a few days, I've had to baby myself--which means I'm getting pretty bored. I'm watching TV and reading without my glasses because now the left lens prescription is way way off, but that means my right eye gets tired, even a little sore, from not having my glasses for that eye. I did drive to church today without my glasses, and that went OK though I don't think I'd drive any great distance or drive at night just yet.
I can't help but remember that Ed hated having anything touch his eyes, hated eye drops. While I'm sure he would have encouraged me to get the Crystalens and be confident about the surgeries, there's no way he would ever have watched the operation! I am truly grateful that he left me with the means to be able to have this done. Time to put in more eye drops now. As I raise the three different bottles of eye drops, guess I'll treat them as a toast to our 23rd anniversary.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Another birthday
Tomorrow, July 3, would have been Ed's 74th birthday. I didn't expect to feel the emotional strain today. I thought it would come tomorrow. Yet here it is. It actually hit me while I was at a mall shopping this afternoon. There were a lot of couples and families shopping, and it seemed like every time I paused to look at something, I heard a man's voice commenting to his wife or daughter. In our early years together, Ed and I would go shopping a lot--from food shopping to Target runs and especially lots of Christmas shopping trips. Once he retired, he wasn't so keen on going with me; but the times I went alone to the mall, I always called him when I was on my way home, and inevitably he would have supper ready for me when I got back. Who'd have thought I'd miss so much being able to call home and say, "I'm on my way."
Melissa called today when she was on her way home from work (something she frequently does), and she asked me what I planned to do tomorrow. Bless her--I didn't have to say anything to remind her of Ed's birthday. She guessed correctly that I would be going to the cemetery. Beyond that, I don't know what I'll do. I've been digging and chopping away at tree roots for a couple of hours each day recently. I had three tree stumps ground out but before I plant grass seed in two of the places or plant a new tree in the other spot, I want to get as many of the roots out as possible. I have the two smaller spots out front done, but the back yard tree area is a much larger project. Perhaps I'll work on that again tomorrow. I figured out how to swing the axe to chop out a couple of rather large tree roots in the back yard. If Ed was watching me, I'm sure it gave him a laugh or two--or maybe it scared him to see my clumsy swings. But I did make some headway.
I can honestly say that within the last month I've recognized some changes in myself. All this time, I still felt married. That probably sounds strange, but I did. I felt married, and it wasn't right that my husband wasn't here. I don't know what happened to change that feeling or exactly when it changed, but now when I cry or feel down, it comes from a mixture of missing Ed and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so aware that I'm alone. I tell myself to quit being so self-centered, and sometimes that works for a while.
Maybe my neighbor Sherry's circumstance had an effect. Sherry lost her husband Butch to pancreatic cancer a month after Ed died. Sherry and Butch were high school sweethearts who married young and were married for over 40 years. Sherry is 11 months older than I am so she's already 60, but you'd never know it by looking at her because she is very petite and stylish and just doesn't look her age. She told me a short time ago that she was dating our across-the-street neighbor who is divorced. When two of my Hearts friends found new partners within a year of their husbands' deaths, I was a little surprised but pleased for them. But Sherry's news shocked me. She had talked with me now and again about being asked out by businessmen or pilots she met at work (she's a flight attendant), but she always declined. She always said she just wasn't ready. So to hear she was dating our neighbor really stunned me. (Guess I wasn't very observant around the neighborhood!) Then she decided she only wanted to be Mike's neighbor and friend, and she turned to eHarmony. Lo and behold, for the last month she has been dating someone she met on eHarmony, and his SUV is once again in her driveway for the weekend even as I write this. So maybe her moving on with her life is a jolt for me.
I always struggle with how to end these posts in the blog. The English teacher in me wants to turn them into essays with proper introductions and conclusions. How's this for a closing: Tomorrow is Ed's birthday. I wish he were here with me to celebrate; but he's not, so I hope he is OK and happy.
Melissa called today when she was on her way home from work (something she frequently does), and she asked me what I planned to do tomorrow. Bless her--I didn't have to say anything to remind her of Ed's birthday. She guessed correctly that I would be going to the cemetery. Beyond that, I don't know what I'll do. I've been digging and chopping away at tree roots for a couple of hours each day recently. I had three tree stumps ground out but before I plant grass seed in two of the places or plant a new tree in the other spot, I want to get as many of the roots out as possible. I have the two smaller spots out front done, but the back yard tree area is a much larger project. Perhaps I'll work on that again tomorrow. I figured out how to swing the axe to chop out a couple of rather large tree roots in the back yard. If Ed was watching me, I'm sure it gave him a laugh or two--or maybe it scared him to see my clumsy swings. But I did make some headway.
I can honestly say that within the last month I've recognized some changes in myself. All this time, I still felt married. That probably sounds strange, but I did. I felt married, and it wasn't right that my husband wasn't here. I don't know what happened to change that feeling or exactly when it changed, but now when I cry or feel down, it comes from a mixture of missing Ed and feeling sorry for myself, feeling so aware that I'm alone. I tell myself to quit being so self-centered, and sometimes that works for a while.
Maybe my neighbor Sherry's circumstance had an effect. Sherry lost her husband Butch to pancreatic cancer a month after Ed died. Sherry and Butch were high school sweethearts who married young and were married for over 40 years. Sherry is 11 months older than I am so she's already 60, but you'd never know it by looking at her because she is very petite and stylish and just doesn't look her age. She told me a short time ago that she was dating our across-the-street neighbor who is divorced. When two of my Hearts friends found new partners within a year of their husbands' deaths, I was a little surprised but pleased for them. But Sherry's news shocked me. She had talked with me now and again about being asked out by businessmen or pilots she met at work (she's a flight attendant), but she always declined. She always said she just wasn't ready. So to hear she was dating our neighbor really stunned me. (Guess I wasn't very observant around the neighborhood!) Then she decided she only wanted to be Mike's neighbor and friend, and she turned to eHarmony. Lo and behold, for the last month she has been dating someone she met on eHarmony, and his SUV is once again in her driveway for the weekend even as I write this. So maybe her moving on with her life is a jolt for me.
I always struggle with how to end these posts in the blog. The English teacher in me wants to turn them into essays with proper introductions and conclusions. How's this for a closing: Tomorrow is Ed's birthday. I wish he were here with me to celebrate; but he's not, so I hope he is OK and happy.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Coming up on 2 years
It has been so long since I've written in this blog that I forgot my password! When I last wrote, I was so aware of the two-year anniversary of finding out about Ed's cancer, and since then that awareness has continued every day. When June 16 arrives, it will be a work-on-SAT-essays day for me. I'm hoping that will make the day less emotional because I'll have to be occupied and focused.
Since I last wrote, I've had a trip to Iowa in early April; I worked on a batch of SAT essays for 12 days; Melissa, Mark, and Will were here for Memorial Day weekend; many of the Giesman clan came to visit that Sunday; I spent a day in Cincinnati to attend a funeral and visit family; and last weekend I was in Lancaster, PA, for a family event. Having visitors here for a few days and for the Giesman gathering on Sunday was so good for my spirits. Unfortunately, that lift was followed by finding out that Ed's Aunt Jinny Runk had died. After her funeral, one of Ed's cousins hosted everyone at his house, so I had a chance to catch up a little bit with several of Ed's cousins. They are so warm towards me that it does my heart good. Afterwards, I spent time with my sister-in-law, Maryellen, and most of her family at "Ed's favorite niece" Pat's house. I don't get to see my own relatives much; in fact, because we lived in Iowa and Illinois for so many years, I often missed out on family gatherings back in PA. It was a seven-hour drive to Lancaster, but it was well worth it to re-connect with family on my mother's side. The occasion was a celebration of the 60th wedding anniversary of Aunt Kim (my Mom's sister) and Uncle Jack.
I did have a "gasp" moment when I got to my hotel. My last trip to Lancaster was actually one Ed and I made to attend the funeral of my Aunt Lou in January 2007. When I got inside my hotel room, I realized that I was one floor above the room Ed and I stayed in back then. No one--and certainly not either of us--looking at Ed back then would ever have guessed that he'd be diagnosed with cancer and gone in a few short months.
I had lunch recently with one of my "Hearts" friends, Ruth Ann, who had her two-year anniversary over Memorial Day weekend. She made the point that after this amount of time, people assume you are OK; and some people are. But she and I seem to be moving at the same pace, able to put on a good face but still badly grieving deep down. My staying in a hotel room last weekend instead of with a relative was a sort of test to see how I'd handle being alone on a trip. The actual traveling, whether driving or flying, doesn't bother me though I'm constantly asking Ed to be with me and keep me safe. But that hotel room was another story. It seems 3 a.m. hits just as hard as it does when I'm in my own home, maybe even a little more intense. Or maybe the emotions were so high because these are the days leading up to the two-year anniversary. Or maybe there was also a little fear of how I'd handle people asking me how I'm doing. As it turned out, only one person specifically raised the issue of how I'm handling being alone, and I was able to answer without breaking down.
If you'd like to see some photos of the happy time when Melissa, Mark, and Will were here visiting, check out my Facebook page. Being on Facebook has given me a chance to see photos of family and friends I don't get to see much, and it has put me back in touch with friends from long ago. Facebook is probably the reason I don't feel the need to write in the blog so much. Still, I am comfortable writing things in this blog that I wouldn't say on Facebook, like how much I miss and long for my husband every day.
Since I last wrote, I've had a trip to Iowa in early April; I worked on a batch of SAT essays for 12 days; Melissa, Mark, and Will were here for Memorial Day weekend; many of the Giesman clan came to visit that Sunday; I spent a day in Cincinnati to attend a funeral and visit family; and last weekend I was in Lancaster, PA, for a family event. Having visitors here for a few days and for the Giesman gathering on Sunday was so good for my spirits. Unfortunately, that lift was followed by finding out that Ed's Aunt Jinny Runk had died. After her funeral, one of Ed's cousins hosted everyone at his house, so I had a chance to catch up a little bit with several of Ed's cousins. They are so warm towards me that it does my heart good. Afterwards, I spent time with my sister-in-law, Maryellen, and most of her family at "Ed's favorite niece" Pat's house. I don't get to see my own relatives much; in fact, because we lived in Iowa and Illinois for so many years, I often missed out on family gatherings back in PA. It was a seven-hour drive to Lancaster, but it was well worth it to re-connect with family on my mother's side. The occasion was a celebration of the 60th wedding anniversary of Aunt Kim (my Mom's sister) and Uncle Jack.
I did have a "gasp" moment when I got to my hotel. My last trip to Lancaster was actually one Ed and I made to attend the funeral of my Aunt Lou in January 2007. When I got inside my hotel room, I realized that I was one floor above the room Ed and I stayed in back then. No one--and certainly not either of us--looking at Ed back then would ever have guessed that he'd be diagnosed with cancer and gone in a few short months.
I had lunch recently with one of my "Hearts" friends, Ruth Ann, who had her two-year anniversary over Memorial Day weekend. She made the point that after this amount of time, people assume you are OK; and some people are. But she and I seem to be moving at the same pace, able to put on a good face but still badly grieving deep down. My staying in a hotel room last weekend instead of with a relative was a sort of test to see how I'd handle being alone on a trip. The actual traveling, whether driving or flying, doesn't bother me though I'm constantly asking Ed to be with me and keep me safe. But that hotel room was another story. It seems 3 a.m. hits just as hard as it does when I'm in my own home, maybe even a little more intense. Or maybe the emotions were so high because these are the days leading up to the two-year anniversary. Or maybe there was also a little fear of how I'd handle people asking me how I'm doing. As it turned out, only one person specifically raised the issue of how I'm handling being alone, and I was able to answer without breaking down.
If you'd like to see some photos of the happy time when Melissa, Mark, and Will were here visiting, check out my Facebook page. Being on Facebook has given me a chance to see photos of family and friends I don't get to see much, and it has put me back in touch with friends from long ago. Facebook is probably the reason I don't feel the need to write in the blog so much. Still, I am comfortable writing things in this blog that I wouldn't say on Facebook, like how much I miss and long for my husband every day.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Decisions, decisions
I've been roaming the house, unable to sleep since 3:45 am, so it must be time to write in the blog again. I've had a Facebook page since November but didn't really do much with it until February when Melissa also got on Facebook. Mostly I use it to see photos posted by family and friends, and perhaps that sort of contact made me not feel the need to blog so much.
I've recently had quite a few nights of having trouble sleeping again. I'm guessing it's because I'm in the midst of an anniversary of sorts. It's now 2 years since we realized something was wrong with Ed and started the rounds of doctoring and testing. I also have had too much time to think because I haven't been working, and the memories come so easily. The good memories come, too, but both kinds still bring tears.
I was very disappointed to learn just days before I was supposed to start on the January SAT essays that Pearson was not assigning me to them. There were far fewer students taking the test than last year (another effect of the lousy economy), and on test day the weather was awful in many parts of the country, so people didn't show up to take the test. As a result, not that many scorers were needed. I have often wondered when my being at the top of their pay scale would affect whether or not I'd be hired for a project, and I think that was part of the reason. About 2 weeks later Pearson offered me a different scoring project, the Standards of Learning test given to 11th graders, and I decided to accept. Instead of working only 12 days straight at a time on the SATs, this is a month-long project. I do the training next week, then will work March 24 to April 23. The compensation for this project is structured differently, so I don't know if I'll be making the same kind of money as the SATs. The prospect of working every day for a month made me think I'd want a break at some point, so I will be going to Iowa April 2-7. I should still have no problem getting in the minimum required weekly hours. Then in May and June, I hope to be assigned again to the SATs since the numbers of test-takers should be higher then, meaning more scorers will be needed again.
Meanwhile, I ended up having to research and get estimates on replacing the heat pump. It was making really loud, annoying noises in February that even woke me up at night, then it seemed like the outside fan would run for hours when it shouldn't be running at all because the gas furnace takes over heating when the temperature outside drops to a certain point. Last Thursday I finally called in the HVAC guy, but there was nothing to fix. The compressor was shot. So after getting several estimates, I decided which company and which heat pump to go with. The new one should be installed next week.
Next decisions to be made are how to get the hairline crack in one of the sunroom windows fixed and who to get here to figure out why there was a really bad leak in the sunroom when the snow and ice were melting off the roof in February. The sunroom seems to have taken the worst hit from the bad winter we had. There was also a day with 60-mile-an-hour winds in February, and this time a tree in the front yard was affected. A small fir tree is now leaning a bit towards my neighbor's yard, yet its roots weren't pulled from the ground. I can't push it upright--it just doesn't budge. I've asked grandson Robby, who works for a landscape company, to come take a look and maybe figure out how to straighten it back up or determine if it needs to be cut down, but he hasn't stopped by yet. So that will be yet another decision to make. I already have one tree stump that needs to be out of the ground in back and another small ornamental tree in the front that I think is dying. Could be a big landscape bill coming up this spring
Starting March 1, I was ready to leave for Iowa at a moment's notice. Will was sick, so I stayed partially packed in case Melissa couldn't make arrangements for someone to be home with him on her Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday work days. Actually, we were supposed to meet up near Cincinnati the night and morning of March 4-5. Melissa, Mark, Will, Mark's parents, brother, and sister were to make a driving trip to Knoxville, TN, for a family wedding. I made hotel arrangements in Harrison, OH, which would have been their overnight stop, so we could have breakfast and spend a couple of hours together. However, Will was diagnosed with RSV and Melissa and Mark had to cancel their trip. He was a pretty sick boy at the start of the 10 days or so till it ran its course, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. He didn't require hospitalization, not even nebulizer treatments like the other kids at his daycare (guess we know where he picked it up). He was back at the sitter's this week, so I never did have to make the trip to help out.
I've recently had quite a few nights of having trouble sleeping again. I'm guessing it's because I'm in the midst of an anniversary of sorts. It's now 2 years since we realized something was wrong with Ed and started the rounds of doctoring and testing. I also have had too much time to think because I haven't been working, and the memories come so easily. The good memories come, too, but both kinds still bring tears.
I was very disappointed to learn just days before I was supposed to start on the January SAT essays that Pearson was not assigning me to them. There were far fewer students taking the test than last year (another effect of the lousy economy), and on test day the weather was awful in many parts of the country, so people didn't show up to take the test. As a result, not that many scorers were needed. I have often wondered when my being at the top of their pay scale would affect whether or not I'd be hired for a project, and I think that was part of the reason. About 2 weeks later Pearson offered me a different scoring project, the Standards of Learning test given to 11th graders, and I decided to accept. Instead of working only 12 days straight at a time on the SATs, this is a month-long project. I do the training next week, then will work March 24 to April 23. The compensation for this project is structured differently, so I don't know if I'll be making the same kind of money as the SATs. The prospect of working every day for a month made me think I'd want a break at some point, so I will be going to Iowa April 2-7. I should still have no problem getting in the minimum required weekly hours. Then in May and June, I hope to be assigned again to the SATs since the numbers of test-takers should be higher then, meaning more scorers will be needed again.
Meanwhile, I ended up having to research and get estimates on replacing the heat pump. It was making really loud, annoying noises in February that even woke me up at night, then it seemed like the outside fan would run for hours when it shouldn't be running at all because the gas furnace takes over heating when the temperature outside drops to a certain point. Last Thursday I finally called in the HVAC guy, but there was nothing to fix. The compressor was shot. So after getting several estimates, I decided which company and which heat pump to go with. The new one should be installed next week.
Next decisions to be made are how to get the hairline crack in one of the sunroom windows fixed and who to get here to figure out why there was a really bad leak in the sunroom when the snow and ice were melting off the roof in February. The sunroom seems to have taken the worst hit from the bad winter we had. There was also a day with 60-mile-an-hour winds in February, and this time a tree in the front yard was affected. A small fir tree is now leaning a bit towards my neighbor's yard, yet its roots weren't pulled from the ground. I can't push it upright--it just doesn't budge. I've asked grandson Robby, who works for a landscape company, to come take a look and maybe figure out how to straighten it back up or determine if it needs to be cut down, but he hasn't stopped by yet. So that will be yet another decision to make. I already have one tree stump that needs to be out of the ground in back and another small ornamental tree in the front that I think is dying. Could be a big landscape bill coming up this spring
Starting March 1, I was ready to leave for Iowa at a moment's notice. Will was sick, so I stayed partially packed in case Melissa couldn't make arrangements for someone to be home with him on her Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday work days. Actually, we were supposed to meet up near Cincinnati the night and morning of March 4-5. Melissa, Mark, Will, Mark's parents, brother, and sister were to make a driving trip to Knoxville, TN, for a family wedding. I made hotel arrangements in Harrison, OH, which would have been their overnight stop, so we could have breakfast and spend a couple of hours together. However, Will was diagnosed with RSV and Melissa and Mark had to cancel their trip. He was a pretty sick boy at the start of the 10 days or so till it ran its course, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. He didn't require hospitalization, not even nebulizer treatments like the other kids at his daycare (guess we know where he picked it up). He was back at the sitter's this week, so I never did have to make the trip to help out.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Christmas 2008 and the New Year
This is what happens when a person is sleeping better at night--I'm not prowling the house at 3 a.m. looking for something to do, so I haven't written in the blog lately. I'm not sure why I'm sleeping better. I still wake up during the night, but I'm able to go back to sleep quickly.
Rob (Judi's son) and Colleen's wedding on December 6 was very nice though the snow had some guests leaving the reception early because the roads were getting slick. Ed's family doesn't dance. Son-in-law Tom and I do like to dance, however, and so does granddaughter Sadie, so the three of us got out on the floor a few times.
My travels to Iowa on Christmas Day were a mess. First, there was no flight crew in Columbus even though American's flight to Chicago was sitting there ready for us to board. Luckily, I had scheduled 3 hours between my flights at O'Hare. The crew finally showed up a few minutes after our scheduled departure, acting as though they weren't the least bit late. We finally left Columbus, then sat on the tarmac at O'Hare for an hour until a gate opened. My guess is American was understaffed everywhere--probably people calling in "sick" instead of working on Christmas. My flight to Cedar Rapids was delayed because of more confusion. A flight to Cincinnati was sitting at our gate 3 hours after that flight was supposed to have left, again without a crew, then was switched to be my flight, then was switched again and again and again until finally, at a different gate with a different plane and about an hour late, we took off. Mark's parents waited Christmas dinner for me, so Melissa picked me up and took me straight there. It was a nice evening after all.
We had our Christmas gift opening Friday morning and pretty much just enjoyed Will and relaxing for the next few days. Will was not into opening gifts; he mostly liked to stand on the boxes. He really wasn't attracted to his new toys except for the one that I got him, a little table with all kinds of moving parts that create music. Then somehow I managed to get a stomach bug that Melissa and Mark and Will had had 3 weeks before. I was so sick that I could not fly back on December 31. I re-scheduled for January 2 and just did not eat much of anything so that I was less likely to throw up on the plane. Luckily, getting back went smoothly.
When I got home, I still had to finish wrapping the Giesman clan gifts. I finished at 1:30 p.m. Saturday (January 3), loaded the car, and drove to Becky's for the 3 p.m. gathering. Everyone was there, and we were enjoying talking and eating the good food Becky had prepared when great-granddaughter Payton asked me as she jumped up and down if we could open the gifts. A long time ago Ed set the precedent for how the gift-opening goes. He passed out a gift to each person and everyone had to wait for all to have a gift in hand, then everyone opened at the same time. And that's what we still do, though Tom did the honors of passing out the gifts with help from the younger kids. I had hoped this Christmas would be the one where everyone would be willing to gather in this house, but Becky thought there were a few who still simply can't handle being here. That is so disheartening to me. Maybe next year. Meanwhile, I got a chuckle out of grandson Tommy, who recently turned 21, who was hoping I would host this year because he knew he could have a beer here!
I did get to have a gathering here on January 10--at least my Hearts group likes to come to this house! My friend Abbi is also Slovak, so we decided to have a holubky party. We each made our family's recipe for stuffed cabbage rolls, both of which were very good. I had told the group about the Yuengling brewery in Pottsville, PA, America's oldest brewery, and they have all been on the lookout to buy me some Yuengling beer. However, it's not sold in Ohio, so I brought some back when I visited my Mom at Thanksgiving. The party was also a Yuengling tasting and a wine tasting thanks to friend Cheryl who supplied 6 different kinds of wines and a Jimmy beer tasting thanks to another friend's homemade beer. Everyone brought appetizers and side dishes, so it was quite a feast.
Watching the inauguration yesterday, several times I thought that Ed should be here witnessing this bit of history. Every major event, whether it's a family thing or otherwise, makes me think it's just not right that he is gone. Wonder if I'll ever get to the point to be able to say, as he used to, "It is what it is."
Rob (Judi's son) and Colleen's wedding on December 6 was very nice though the snow had some guests leaving the reception early because the roads were getting slick. Ed's family doesn't dance. Son-in-law Tom and I do like to dance, however, and so does granddaughter Sadie, so the three of us got out on the floor a few times.
My travels to Iowa on Christmas Day were a mess. First, there was no flight crew in Columbus even though American's flight to Chicago was sitting there ready for us to board. Luckily, I had scheduled 3 hours between my flights at O'Hare. The crew finally showed up a few minutes after our scheduled departure, acting as though they weren't the least bit late. We finally left Columbus, then sat on the tarmac at O'Hare for an hour until a gate opened. My guess is American was understaffed everywhere--probably people calling in "sick" instead of working on Christmas. My flight to Cedar Rapids was delayed because of more confusion. A flight to Cincinnati was sitting at our gate 3 hours after that flight was supposed to have left, again without a crew, then was switched to be my flight, then was switched again and again and again until finally, at a different gate with a different plane and about an hour late, we took off. Mark's parents waited Christmas dinner for me, so Melissa picked me up and took me straight there. It was a nice evening after all.
We had our Christmas gift opening Friday morning and pretty much just enjoyed Will and relaxing for the next few days. Will was not into opening gifts; he mostly liked to stand on the boxes. He really wasn't attracted to his new toys except for the one that I got him, a little table with all kinds of moving parts that create music. Then somehow I managed to get a stomach bug that Melissa and Mark and Will had had 3 weeks before. I was so sick that I could not fly back on December 31. I re-scheduled for January 2 and just did not eat much of anything so that I was less likely to throw up on the plane. Luckily, getting back went smoothly.
When I got home, I still had to finish wrapping the Giesman clan gifts. I finished at 1:30 p.m. Saturday (January 3), loaded the car, and drove to Becky's for the 3 p.m. gathering. Everyone was there, and we were enjoying talking and eating the good food Becky had prepared when great-granddaughter Payton asked me as she jumped up and down if we could open the gifts. A long time ago Ed set the precedent for how the gift-opening goes. He passed out a gift to each person and everyone had to wait for all to have a gift in hand, then everyone opened at the same time. And that's what we still do, though Tom did the honors of passing out the gifts with help from the younger kids. I had hoped this Christmas would be the one where everyone would be willing to gather in this house, but Becky thought there were a few who still simply can't handle being here. That is so disheartening to me. Maybe next year. Meanwhile, I got a chuckle out of grandson Tommy, who recently turned 21, who was hoping I would host this year because he knew he could have a beer here!
I did get to have a gathering here on January 10--at least my Hearts group likes to come to this house! My friend Abbi is also Slovak, so we decided to have a holubky party. We each made our family's recipe for stuffed cabbage rolls, both of which were very good. I had told the group about the Yuengling brewery in Pottsville, PA, America's oldest brewery, and they have all been on the lookout to buy me some Yuengling beer. However, it's not sold in Ohio, so I brought some back when I visited my Mom at Thanksgiving. The party was also a Yuengling tasting and a wine tasting thanks to friend Cheryl who supplied 6 different kinds of wines and a Jimmy beer tasting thanks to another friend's homemade beer. Everyone brought appetizers and side dishes, so it was quite a feast.
Watching the inauguration yesterday, several times I thought that Ed should be here witnessing this bit of history. Every major event, whether it's a family thing or otherwise, makes me think it's just not right that he is gone. Wonder if I'll ever get to the point to be able to say, as he used to, "It is what it is."
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